VELOCIPASTOR (2017)
a review by Evan Landon
Within the first five minutes of this comedy horror classic from 2017, our cold open is merely a title card that reveals the movie is “Rated X by an all-Christian jury.” A pastor then exits his church to be subject to his parents dying in an explosion, which is shown to the viewer as a title card that reads “VFX: Car On Fire.” The next scene is an old pastor comforting our hero by chugging communion wine whilst offering the sage words of, “That's what parents do. They die on you.” That should be enough to let you know what kind of movie we are in for.
Imagine the year is 2010, and a young student at the School of Visual Arts in Manhattan named Brendan Steere is attempting to text the word “velociraptor”, then autocorrect changes it to “velocipastor” and, thusly, begins to form a screenplay in his head. That is the genesis of this brilliant concept.
I guess I would be remiss if I did not tell you what this movie is actually about, so let's go there: a Catholic priest named Doug Jones goes to China, after his parents are killed to “see the world,” and cleanse his spirit. Once there, he comes across a woman who is attempting to escape a group of ninjas whom are trying to take a tooth, or artifact, that will turn one into a “dragon warrior.” After trying to kill her, in her dying gasps, she gives Father Doug the artifact, which he immediately botches and cuts his hand open.
Now, I know what you are thinking: “Isn't he supposed to be a priest who turns into a dinosaur? Perhaps, a velociraptor?” The only answer is “yes.” Yes, he certainly does. However, if that is your only gripe with this film, you might be watching the wrong movie.
Velocipastor is definitely not a good movie. It's not even a great movie. It is considered by many to be a “so bad, it's good” movie, but it kind of transcends that for me. I watch a lot of terrible movies, and while this is one of them, it is also echelons above other self-aware, terrible popcorn flicks. There are more names than Lavalantula that fit into that category. Believe me.
Obviously, nobody who is willing to watch this movie is thinking about special effects, so let's just skip that shit. One of the easiest scenes to find online has to be the final battle where a half-man/half-velociraptor has to fend off a half-dozen ninjas in a Barney-esque costume. The less I say about that scene, the better.
Aside from the acting, the music is actually pretty damn good. Gregory James Cohan resembles a solid-mix of Dexter & John Mulaney, so if that entices you, go for it. As far as the music goes, “The Holy Mess” does an incredible job with some songs that really make this movie work.
All-in-all, Velocipastor is a self-aware, schlocky B-movie from a time that never should have been. It was made to be what it is, and shall always remain that. Props.
There is a sequel too. We should pin that for later. .
3 Out Of 5