1408 (2007)

  a review by Evan Landon

I remember seeing advertisements for this movie when it came out in 2007 on WWE television and was wondering how this could possibly be an interesting movie. 104 minutes of John Cusack in a fucking hotel room? There is no way that could be entertaining. . Unless, yknow, it was that kind of movie, but even then, that is about 100 minutes too long (giggity). Holy shit, was I ever wrong! It happens more than you think.

The plot of 1408 is a relatively simple one: a once promising writer becomes a sensationalist writer, hoping to see past the veil of death by compiling “Top 10” supernatural lists of grisly deaths after the death of his daughter, which in turn had spurned the demise of his marriage. After receiving an enigmatic postcard from an unknown party from the extravagant Dolphin Hotel in New York saying “Don't enter 1408”, author Michael Enslin is compelled to go back into the city he has avoided to find the one story that could revitalize his career, or help him find some sort of solace. The issue is that 56 people have died in that room over the course of the hotel's existence, leading the manager to forbid anyone from ever staying in it.

My brother was eaten by wolves on the Connecticut Turnpike. .

Any issues 1408 has is nothing to do with the production or story itself. The acting is even exemplary. In fact, 1408 is very close to being a perfect movie, but you don't want to hear me gush about how much I have adored this movie over the years since its release. But I digress. .

Let's get into the acting first: John Cusack. That really is all you need, although he is accompanied by some very good actors, but they are barely in the film. Samuel L. Jackson co-stars as the manager of the Dolphin Hotel, Tony Shalhoub as his editor who gets him the room after being denied, and even the late Isiah Whitlock Jr in a blink and you will miss it role as the handyman sent to help our hero fix the thermostat.

Swedish director Mikael Håfström definitely had a vision when creating the adaptation that no one saw being such a success by granting him $25 million to complete the film. A lot of credit goes to the cast, but let us think about the ones behind the lens which leads me directly to the set designer, Andrew Laws, who is the true hero of this tale. How a person can make such a loose, yet concise script palatable, this man did it in spades.

I would be remiss to not mention the alternate endings, to which there are four, but let's just get to the bestest: 

1. The Theatrical Release – No Spoilers. Just watch this one.

2. The Director's Cut – NOPE

3. The Alt Manuscript – Whatevs.

4. The Alt Alt Script – Fuck Off. Cannot even find it.

The story of 1408 has surpassed anything Stephen King could have imagined by taking a short story the writer conjured while in a strange hotel room himself. If you are wondering how the story compares to the movie, there are very subtle changes, but it is allowed to expand upon its universe, unabashedly. To me, as a writer with his own regrets and vices, the ultimate conclusion of life and death is very much amplified and observed, which is an exploration of self-discovery, faith, abandonment, and redemption. With references to Kafka and Lovecraft, it is for sure a movie almost specifically written for writers of the abstract and horror genres. That being said, I don't think there are many more ways I can fully recommend this film, except for my rating. The same as our dear reformed protagonist author, Michael Enslin's. .

10 Out Of 10 Skulls

Haunters Of The Silence (2025)

a review by Evan Landon

It always bewilders me how students in film school are usually the ones to create experimental films. It is almost as if it is a required course, then abandoned the genre as soon as graduation is finished. Speaking of Finnish. . .

Haunters Of The Silence is a 2025 experimental folk horror film from newcomer Tatu Heikkinen in his filmmaking debut. The term “folk horror” might be a bit of a stretch, but it definitely has that kind of ambiance throughout. I would love to tell you what exactly happens in this movie, but I honestly cannot remember anything that wholly resembles a plot. That is a common issue in experimental films though, so it does not get any points for or against it there.

In it's 72 minute run time, our unnamed main character is plagued by otherworldly visions of a being in a top hat that tortures him from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. There are mementos of a woman, who I can only assume is his wife because she is played by his wife (Veleda Thorsson-Heikkinen) who also helped write and direct the film. In fact, with a budget of around $2k, the two wore many different hats in post-production to lower costs and protect the quality of the picture. That is probably the most noteworthy part of the production notes, in my opinion.

There were a few parts that reminded me of the French impressionist and German expressionist films of the early 1900's, as well as Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal and Andrei Tarkovsky's Andrei Rublev, but that may be because they are all artsy-fartsy pictures in black and white. Don't worry, I'm surprised I know all of that shit too, so I will spare you the editing and cinematography discussion because aspect ratios and camera lenses are boring. I am absolutely certain that Heikkenin knows all about that though.

One thing I found interesting about Haunters Of The Silence was how Heikkenin created the story based off of his own experiences with sleep paralysis which brings about that drunken, psychedelic bleeding of thoughts and dreamscapes that propel the storyline. . Or whatever resembles one, anyways. There really is no fulfilling end to the story because it feels like it is just a perpetual nightmare of never being able to fully rest. The machinations of circadian rhythms is how we get to the fifth stage of sleep, Rapid Eye Movement (R.E.M. no, not the band), where our brain is actually able to fully reset by slipping into our subconscious for our human minds to dream. That, right there, is the true waking horror of this film.

If you love experimental folk horror flicks that conjure images to tell their narrative instead of the usual second-viewing expository extravaganza that are being celebrated all over streaming service, this 72 minute outing is definitely worth checking out. To everyone else who doesn't think they would enjoy it, this may not be for you.

3 Out Of 5

Censor Addiction (2026)

 a review by Evan Landon

There is something to be said about the fortitude of independent artists. Writers, filmmakers, comedians, and musicians are just some of the avenues artists have found to publicly create and promote their art forms independently. Sure, any distribution is a plus to getting their product out to their fans, but it is no longer necessary in the creation process. For example, a musician may think that being on a record label is imperative to be successful when it has been proven to be incorrect, over the course of independently-owned business evolution itself. It simply does not operate that way anymore.

That brings me neatly to filmmaker Micheal Matteo Rossi, who looks as if he has no intention of quitting any time soon. It was two years ago that Rossi released his low-budget action thriller, The Charisma Killers, to which many of this same cast are easily recognizable. Aside from the biggest names being Vernon Wells and Vanessa Angel, yet again, it is Daniel O'Reilly and Chris Moss doing the heavy lifting, although a huge shout out to Bart Voitila for chewing the scenery of every single one he is in. However, it hardly is any secret that when a director likes his actors, they are always considered for a part in whatevs batshit movie script they have dreamed up next.

This one starts off with an overly extensive title crawl depicting everything that happened leading up to the beginning: In 2027, crime is so rampant all over the United States that a pharmaceutical company comes up with a one time pill that eradicates the receptors that urge a person to commit violence. Once Congress voted to resupply the drug, the company then realized they could make more money off of it making the population more violent, they began tailoring it for that specific purpose. Now, only a small group of revolutionary ex-employees stand in the way before the world as they know it begins to disintegrate. 

One of the most impressive things about Rossi's films, to me, is always how crazy every detailed plot he comes up with is. Every story is always something interesting, it is just the overall execution of each one that leaves the viewer wanting. It is not the micro budget or the acting (which I rarely have an issue with), it is the unnecessary dialogue and plot holes that are the most frustrating. Believe it or not, some of the kills are actually pretty decent, despite the obvious fake guns and CGI blood. You just have to look past that to see what I am talking about here because most bad guys use gold-plated guns, a la Nic Cage in Face/Off.

If you have the time and enjoy sci-fi action b-movies, you can check out Sensor Addiction on DVD and other streaming services on March 3rd, 2026. In the meantime, I am absolutely certain Michael Matteo Rossi is already thinking up his next batshit movie for the viewing audience. . and I am all for it!

2.5 Out Of 5

IRON LUNG (2026)

a review by Evan Landon

I remember the first Markiplier Let's Play YouTube video of the horror game Layers Of Fear a few years ago that was entertaining enough for me to subscribe to his channel. That was before he had 38 million subscribers and rocked short pink hair. From there, he has become one of the richest streamers on the internet; so much so, that he was able to independently fund this passion project, direct, edit, and star in it. That is nowhere near the most aspiring aspect of this feature, as it is based off of a new, somewhat obscure computer game.

Yes. You read that correctly. Iron Lung is an independently-released film based off of an independently-released computer game. I am also almost absolutely certain that it is one of Method Man's aliases & that metal tube that breathes for polio patients. Nonetheless, the film and game, subsequently, are pretty slow moving as far as the pacing goes, which I can see turning some people off to it. Personally, I don't mind a slow burn, every once in a while, as long as it pays off. In this case, it does.

The plot of Iron Lung is the same as the game, to which it follows very closely: After an event called “The Quiet Rapture”, where all of the stars and most of the human population suddenly vanished, a prisoner named Simon is tasked with piloting a small submarine called the “Iron Lung” on a blood-covered moon to explore. Turns out that they have sent the same submarine down before with a different pilot to get some samples off of a skeleton at the bottom of the ocean that could have the key to save humanity. Simon must then gain the sample, get it back to the surface for the larger ship to acquire, all the while fixing the Iron Lung from filling up with blood and ultimately killing him while he hallucinates some very dark images hindering his process.

Now whether you think the plot I just explained to you is something you would like to see or not, the story behind how Markiplier (born Mark Fischbach) put this whole passion project together is much more interesting. After playing the game on his channel for all of his followers, he had an idea to make it into a movie, so he teamed up with the creator of the game, David Szymanksi, and another streamer to create the movie from the bottom up. They even made a moving submarine capsule of the “Iron Lung” on hydraulics to simulate the actions on the inside of the ship, as everything outside of the ship is mostly crude stills on a grainy camera that adds to the feeling of paranoid isolation.

With all $3 million coming from Markiplier himself and not going through a major studio with a larger budget and more fingers in the pie, he definitely bet on himself to make his vision come to life. Some are able to pull it off and some are not, so it is very satisfying to see this one work because that right there is a game changer for the filmmaking industry. It is a breath of fresh air to see this sort of thing happen because most of what we see about the future of movie making is most studio producers afraid of AI more than an indie darling proving they do not need a major budget to pull off something that works for both the artist and the audience. What started off as a limited theatrical release soon grew larger across the country as the grassroots demand grew, proving that little to no advertising could be as effective as a widely-marketed major release. Shit, it wasn't even released during the season for a movie like this and pulled in $49 million, proving that the cinema going audience is still alive, as well. Brilliant!

The truth is that if you like a psychological horror movie with some prosthetic body horror and a clear cut case of claustrophobia, you should not even worry that this is based off of a video game that some dude played over the internet. That's how I feel about it, anyways.

3.5 Out Of 5

Seven Cemeteries (2024)

a review by Evan Landon

It should be common knowledge by now that Danny Trejo is more than just a character actor, but a Mexican-American treasure. Making his debut in the 1985 action adventure Runaway Train at 41 years-old, he has gone on to win over 20 awards and has over 250 acting credits to his name. Not only that, he was also a lightweight and welterweight boxing champion in the San Quentin penitentiary after being charged with multiple armed robbery and drug-related offenses. You need look no further for inspiration than this man.

Interesting Factoid: the original Runaway Train screenplay was based off an original Akira Kurosawa script that was never made, which is odd because Seven Cemeteries is almost (if not) a complete recreation of Kurosawa’s epic, Seven Samurai, which has been remade enough times for this one to be condoned, or forgiven. 

In this one, Trejo plays a revolutionary hero who has been locked up for a few decades and is immediately contacted by a young woman whose husband was killed for their land as soon as he is released. She needs protection from the guy who did it, a business mogul named “El Abuelo” (or “The Grandpa” en espanol), who told her he would be back to make her sign it over. He says “nope” and tries to walk away to go live his own life, but is stopped by a corrupt sheriff who decides to murder him because of his known reputation. This leads a local “bruja” (or witch) to bring him back to life so he may kill El Abuelo and bring order to their forsaken land by resurrecting his dead posse for one last mission. The group contains a Mexican hockey player named “Stickface”, a redneck named “Tommy Lasorda”, a luchador couple who never said their goodbyes, a guy who tried to kill him in prison, and the bruja’s own special zombie. That makes seven, right..?

Like I said, this movie is almost a complete recreation of Seven Samurai with a supernatural twist, but we have already had so many that it seems to replicate itself. I suppose if Yojimbo was remade, he would find a way to turn a gang of vampires and a gang of werewolves against each other and make a good paycheck off that too. Writer/director John Gulager can have that idea for a sequel, if he is still looking for any ideas. 

The issues with Seven Cemeteries are not even the weak, lifted storyline or the action scenes, which are done quite well considering the budget. There is also some decent gore too, so that def gives it a higher rating, but the issue is the incoherent script and its multitude of plot holes that are so glaring that it almost hurts the brain. The dialogue is reprehensible too, right down to the ridiculous lament the wrestler sings to his lover after she tells him she ended herself to get away from him. There are some dark themes, for sure.

For the most part, even though the story is lifted and needs a lot of polish, Seven Cemeteries is a pretty fun ride for what it is and what it unapologetically chooses to be. It’s not so terrible that you cannot watch it, but fun enough to turn the tv on and turn the brain off. Not a bad place to be, if you ask me, because it could have easily been fucked from the start with that premise.

2.5 Out Of 5

XXX-MAS (2023)

a review by Evan Landon

Christmas time. A time for cheer. A time for family and reflection. A time for holiday horror movies starring porn actors. Most of them, anyways.

Q: What exactly constitutes a porn star. . ? I mean, you could be in porn and not be a star. You would have to be in a lot, right? I don't have any notes on any of the cast because they are all mostly unknowns, but they may just be Only Fans models. That does not mean they are bad, in any sort of way. Porn stars are not known for their acting abilities either, but I am getting off track here.

Writer/director James Dean (no, not that one. . or the other one) was able to slip this chaotic holiday horror homage to YouTube, without a ton of heavy editing, which is fantastic for anyone brave enough to witness this blood and tit festival of debauchery. How much better of a review can I give without telling you exactly what happens? So, that is what I am going to do: Santa gets pissed at how naughty all of these porn stars are, so he slaughters them. That's it. There is your movie.

It would be remiss of me to end the review right there, so I will go into the other tirade about how many of these fucking Christmas horror movies we have these days. Violent Night, Krampus, Krampus: The Reckoning, Santa's Slay, and now, a fucking remake of Silent Night, Deadly Night?? 

The point is not to get caught up in what works in this film and what does not. I would never get upset for the graduation of intricate plot lines, unless it was meaning to progress any unimaginable thing that would leave something worth of value. I mean, it is not out of the realm of possibility that we have no new ideas, as far as major motion pictures go, but we really don't. The cookie-cutter approach of Hollywood bigwigs to regurgitate the same nonsensical stories starring fartboxes that had once made them money has seriously missed the mark with today's audiences, but they still do not seem to get the message. In most cases, I would be more supportive of anyone making a movie of any kind, but when these unoriginal dipshits fall flat on their bloated faces, I relish in it.

All that being said, what makes XXX-Mas different from all of those others is that it seems like everyone involved is having a great time making the picture. I cannot tell you how many times in big budget movies it seems like the actors look like they want to be anywhere else except the movie itself. It also feels like the entire crew is either bored, tired, or counting the minutes until they get their paycheck, then run off to their next project. Not here. Not in this one. That is very refreshing.

XXX-Mas is a lot of fun with enough gore to keep any horror fan interested and enough b-movie schlock for any aficionado to enjoy.

2 Out Of 5

TOP 10 WORSTEST FILMS OF 2025

a review by Evan Landon

Before we get to the list, let's remind ourselves of a few things:

1. This is just my personal list, so take from that what you will. Or just make your own. Fuck it.

2. There were a lot of movies that came out last year, so no, I did not see every single one.

3. If I did a review on it already this year, it will not appear on any lists I make because I already did it. If you think I am missing something, it is most likely somewhere in there.

4. Most lists have a lot of major studio films on their lists, but they get enough promotion or enough shit from everyone else that they don't need mine. Like I just said, it has already been done.

So, without further ado, let's get to burying some of these 2025 turds because there certainly was a lot. For whatevs reason, my worstest list is much more popular than my bestest, so let's all sit back, relax, and listen to me kick these horrible movies in the balls.

10) MEGAN 2.0 – Much like the other sequels on this list, Hollyweird has a hard time letting a lucrative entity alone, so they just piggyback off the success of the first film thinking it will do just as well. In a lot of cases, it does; in a lot of other cases, it doesn't. That is exactly where this sequel sits: an odd mix of science fiction and action instead of the horror motif of the first film, to which powerhouse horror producer Jason Blum admitted was a stupid idea. Plus, there was no repulsive TikTok dance to go along with it, so no help there. Anyways, if you are a fan of both of these films, I would love to understand why. However, this was hardly the worst sequel of 2025.

2 Out Of 5

9) BLACK PHONE 2 – Director Scott Derrickson has an extensive filmography that has proved to be very profitable, with films such as The Exorcism Of Emily Rose, Sinister, Doctor Strange, and The Black Phone under his belt. Though he co-wrote both with C. Robert Cargill, this one was their original idea as a follow-up to The Black Phone which they had worked closely with the author of the story, Joe Hill, who happens to be the son of Stephen King. Despite this drastic shift in tone, Black Phone 2 actually performed well at the box office for a year when moviegoers decided to stay home. These kinds of cash grabs are a dime a dozen, but since this one did so well, you can bet they are already in the process of producing a script. I hate to say it, but if a third installment is made, it will most likely make my list for that year too.

2 Out Of 5

8) THE PHOENICIAN SCHEME – Whatever abstract sheen that Wes Anderson once had in the Hollywood scene has obviously worn off. Long gone are the days of picturesque wonder and enigmatic tales of situations of the bizarre that was as refreshing as it was disruptive like The Royal Tenenbaums, Moonrise Kingdom, and The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. What we are left with now is the shell of such artistic vision with banal, mentally-draining tripe resembling The French Dispatch, Asteroid City, and The Phoenician Scheme. It should be common knowledge by now that Anderson has never cared about how well his movies do or how well they are accepted because of his bottomless pit of Hollywack-soaked money, but there is still a group of wanna-be art aficionado boot-lickers out there who have yet to pick up on that. Benicio del Toro could not even make this thing watchable.

2 Out Of 5

7) HONEY DON'T! – It is hard to say who was looking forward to this because the Coen brothers have already shown that their highest peaks are when they work together. His brother, Joel, made The Tragedy of Macbeth in 2021 that hardly anybody saw, so it seems as if that is what they want to do now. . Which sucks. This is supposedly the second in a trilogy of films by Ethan Coen called his “lesbian B-movie trilogy” with his wife, Tricia Cooke, which is probably the only thing I like about this incoherent nonsense, but not even hot lesbian sex scenes between Margaret Qualley and Aubrey Plaza could make this watchable. Sure, on paper this looks like the kind of movie that I would be gushing for (..giggity), but it is missing that loverly Coen brothers sardonic humor that they pull off almost effortlessly. This being the second in the trilogy after Drive-Away Dolls, there will be a third installment that may or may not make the other two much better in hindsight, so we will just have to see about that.

2 Out Of 5

6) THE STRANGERS: CHAPTER 2 – I have no idea why they have made so many sequels and prequels or whatevs for this nonsense movie, but apparently they are not planning on slowing down any time soon. Renny Harlin is a very well-known filmmaker with such releases as Cliffhanger, Cutthroat Island, Nightmare On Elm Street 4: Dream Master, The Long Kiss Goodnight, and Die Hard 2: Die Harder. Now, you may not think any of those films are any good, but you have heard of them, thus allowing Harlin to hitch his golden lasso to The Strangers franchise which is astounding to me how they have made so many. The first one was okay, not good enough for all of the subsequent films, but they are already in post-production for The Strangers: Chapter 3. Might as well believe that it does not matter how well it does, someone is already writing The Strangers: Chapter 4. At least people are getting paid, guess. Whoopty shit.

1.5 Out Of 5

5) I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER – This one right here is another that just bewilders the shit out of me. I mean, I understand that the original is a classic, but they killed off this franchise decades ago. I suppose that they must have come up with an idea to make a legacy sequel after the short-lived 2021 Amazon series, which obviously did not do very well. Believe it or not, these fairly basic films are based off of a novel of the same name in 1973 by young adult writer Lois Duncan. They pulled Jennifer Love Hewitt out of whatever witness protection program to look like she would rather be anywhere else and I won't even go into what they do with Freddie Prinze Jr. Mike Flanagan was attached to a reboot in 2014, but you would think the reception to I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer would have deterred such a prolific director and it instead fell to young writer/director Jennifer Kaytlin Robinson who may or may not have been out of her depth. Who knows? All I know is these legacy sequels always throw in some weird twist that does not make any sense and this pile of garbage is no different.

1.5 Out Of 5

4) AFTER THE HUNT – For anyone who has yet to see a Luca Guadagnino movie, there is a certain hue to each that somehow creates a dreamlike state for the viewer that is unique. Not in this one. This is one of the most drab, boring, wastes of people's time staring at walls that makes all of his other movies marvels in comparison. This 2 ½ hour slog is well in keeping with his filmography, as this one focuses on a young college student who is allegedly sexually assaulted by a professor, so she gets him fired, or something. Why do I care about any of these people? Good question. Ayo Edebiri is a fucking sponge that soaks up all of the talent of anyone near her and spews out shit in return. She sucks in EVERYTHING. Ayo claims to be a comedian, but comedians are supposed to be funny, or at least endearing. Andrew Garfield is about as appealing as a used napkin in this too. I would say that Julia Roberts did a good job here, but she irks the fuck out of me too. You could spend 2 ½ hours crocheting a hat and have more fun. Fuck this movie.

1 Out Of 5

3) FLIGHT RISK – This one is kind of weird to put in here because I may watch it again just because of how bad it is. I have no idea how Mel Gibson got this in his inbox, but he should fire that intern immediately. It would make sense if it was Mark Wahlberg himself saying it would be cool if he played his serial killer as a bald man because absolutely nobody has ever thought about it, much less asked for it. Lionsgate says that they spent $20 million on promoting it while Gibson told them nothing about it, so the blame game is strong with this one. It was filmed during the SAG-AFTRA strike, so do not think for a second that anyone else will be showing up in a movie that takes place in one cockpit. I have a feeling that either Mel read this and reminded him of him trying to fly a plane himself, or he just picked whatever movie was at the top of the Hollywood “Black List” and just went with it for tax purposes. Either way, this one is so bad that it somehow fits into a genre all its own.

1 Out Of 5

2) POPEYE: THE SLAYER MAN – I truly was hesitant to put this on my list of the worstest of 2025 because I have slammed these stupid free reign horror movies with children cartoon characters, so I think this will be the last year I pick on movies that intentionally suck. There are way too many movies that try to be decent films and fall flat on their faces, much like every other entry on this list. This is just the latest from a bunch of dorks who want to make a horror movie based off an intellectual property that can now be used for “free use” just because they can. I'm not going to look it up because I don't give enough of a shit about it, but I assume the character “Popeye” just became free to use the likeness of because this was not the only Popeye-themed horror movie from this year. Popeye's Revenge and Shiver Me Timbers both took their shots at who could make the most despicable movie about the spinach-scarfing comic book sailor, so I only chose this one because it is the most popular. I'm not even going to write about it, it annoys me that much. There is still one movie that was exponentially worse to take the cake of worstest in 2025.

0.5 Out Of 5

1) WAR OF THE WORLDS – Maybe a few of you saw this coming, but holy shit. This movie is almost beyond words. It would be difficult to put this one any higher on the list because no other movie this year had such an iconic title attached to it. I heard someone say that this is the closest to the anyone has gotten to the source material, and that could very well be up for discussion, but I hardly doubt H.G. Wells had Ice Cube's stupid face yelling at a computer screen for an hour and a half in mind when he wrote it in 1895. It would have made since if Cube had paid Jeff Bezos off for this to never see the light of day, however, this vehicle is also a straight-up advertisement for Amazon. Hell, they dumped it straight to Prime anyways, so only they know how many people actually watched it. It was shot during COVID, but that does not excuse how short-sighted any of this was; although it is pretty hilarious when Cube finally gets out of his chair and escape his computer room only for the door to be locked and the wall panels shake when it is supposed to be an underground bunker. Again, this will probably end up a cult favorite of some kind because of how horrifically bad it is, but it is not for a lack of trying to cash in on whatever nonsense you have on your company hard drive.

0.5 Out Of 5

TOP 10 BESTEST FILMS OF 2025

a review by Evan Landon

Before we get to the list, let's remind ourselves of a few things:

1. This is just my personal list, so take from that what you will. Or just make your own. Fuck it.

2. There were a lot of movies that came out last year, so no, I did not see every single one.

3. If I did a review on it already this year, it will not appear on any lists I make because I already did it. If you think I am missing something, it is most likely somewhere in there.

4. Most lists have a lot of major studio films on their lists, but they get enough promotion or enough shit from everyone else that they don't need mine. Like I just said, it has already been done.

Thusly, as I give you my list of my Top 10 movies every year, here is my TOP 10 BESTEST FILMS OF 2025. Most of these are considered horror, but that should not stop you from checking these out, but I say that every year. I have wasted enough time already, so let's get right into it:

10) TOGETHER – For his feature full-length debut, writer/director Michael Shanks tasked real-life married couple (Alison Brie and David Franco) with presenting a fable of intimacy, sacrifice, and trust that seems a little overreaching at times. At other times, the story is refreshing with its take on how one can lose themselves and who they are bending over backwards for someone else. Through impossible physics and good ole body horror, the tale never takes itself too seriously and that is its greatest quality, in my opinion. I never really enjoy movies where someone has a sex scene with someone they are not married to or with, so this crossed off that box right off the bat. Is that a kink? I don't care. Alison Brie is hot and I can pretend I'm James Franco for ninety-minutes.

3.5 Out Of 5

9) NOVOCAINE – I swear, I thought Jack Quaid was losing his mind when he was a guest on RedLetterMedia's Best Of The Worst, but it turns out he has a awkwardly stellar plan on how he goes about choosing his projects. From the Scream franchise to The Boys, Quaid has definitely carved his own path apart from his celebrity parents. This one finds him in his same squirrelly demeanor as a bank manager who cannot feel any pain because of his congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis (yeah, had to look that up). After a bank heist that resulted in his co-worker to whom he has feelings for, he is launched into a series of episodes of incredible violence up until the satisfying ending. The story is so batshit insane that you rarely think about it when the action scenes occur, to which there are many.

3.5 Out Of 5

8) CAUGHT STEALING – I said that if this movie even played a snippet of that Jane's Addiction song, I would shit all over this movie. Thank god they didn't and made the soundtrack with one of my favorite bands ever, Idles, which probably moved it up a couple of spots just with that. Filmmaker Darren Aronofsky has had a very polarizing career with films like Requiem Of A Dream, The Fountain, The Wrestler, Black Swan, and my personal favorite, The Whale. Austin Butler continues to show why he is a superb leading actor as a baseball player turned bartender who falls into an underworld drug empire with characters bonkers enough to make a Guy Ritchie movie jealous. This one is definitely a great sleeper to check out if you haven't. Very re-watchable, and that is incredibly important when I make these lists.

3.5 Out Of 5

7) BRING HER BACK – After their surprised international hit, Talk To Me, the Philippou brothers have returned for their second outing that blows Harry Potter vs. Star Wars away. It is difficult to do that when such expectations are placed on such high levels, but these guys did it, and they did it well. I think it takes a real eye for such stories to become real and sometimes what comes out ain't so great. Sometimes, it comes out horrific and to keep that sort of thought close to the chest is never a bad idea. The plot, centered around a brother and sister whose parents have passed, are picked to live with a woman who has lost her daughter. There is a creepy kid who likes to chew on knives that hangs out there too, so there's that. I love what these guys are doing and look forward to whatevs project they got next.

3.5 Out Of 5

6) THE MONKEY – With two entries this year, Osgood Perkins has really come out of the gates steaming hot as a diverse director of horror, taking his talents to create drastically different films in the genre. I can say for certain that none of his three movies in the past three years are anything alike and I can say that for his other three too. This is another one that benefited from not taking itself too seriously. James Wan was so interested that he became the main producer, then Theo James got involved to play twins in a movie that is almost incomprehensible and it just became something bigger than anyone thought it could be. The kills are awesome too, don't forget that. Sure, it is based off of a Stephen King story, and I think I saw an MST3K called Merlin's Shop Of Mystical Wonders, but when is the last time making a Stephen King movie worked out for anyone? worked out for anyone? Give me The Long Walk and I will raise you a remake of Running Man. This horror flick is made for popcorn and is way better than I, or anyone I know, was expecting.

3.5 Out Of 5

5) BUGONIA – Already on the popular movie radar with his nomination in 2023 for Poor Things, which did make my list of Top 10 Bestest of 2023, Yorgos Lanthimos outdoes himself, yet again. The Greek director, who got his beginnings in experimental theater, has made some quiet favorites of mine (Killing Of A Sacred Deer, The Lobster) and has definitely outdone himself with this one. Emma Stone continues to make stellar choices when it comes to her filmography, with whom Lanthimos has collaborated with multiple times. However, it is Jesse Plemons that truly steals the show and deserves an award for this portrayal of a man betrayed by his own conspiracies who takes to kidnapping the female executive of the pharmaceutical CEO he works for so she can save the planet. The whole movie, from the acting to the cinematography to the script itself is off the charts. I cannot wait for what he comes out with next.

4 Out Of 5

4) ONE BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER – This one snuck in really high on my list, but that is because I literally just saw it on New Years Eve. That being said, there are a few titles I missed like Anemone and Marty Supreme, but we will leave those for another time. Writer/director Paul Thomas Anderson has outdone himself yet again, this time with Leonardo DiCaprio pulling off his greatest Jeff Bridges impression and Sean Penn with his hyper-sexualized pervert of a general tasked with taking out a group of radical left wing terrorists after freeing multiple groups of detained immigrants set for deportation. That may seem a little too heavy of a topic for a lot of people during these times, but it also serves as a time capsule of the events currently going on in the political world. What works about this film is how it relates family to revolutionary action and why it is both dangerous and complicit in both realms. I would have this much higher on my list if it were not for the 2 ½ hour run time.

4 Out Of 5

3) THE UGLY STEPSISTER – While I am not at all surprised this one did not make any other lists, that is merely because not many have heard of it. Norwegian filmmaker Emilie Blichfeldt decided to make her feature film debut as the story of Cinderella's stepsister adapting her body in the most bizarre ways to be attractive, noting the Brothers Grimm's version, Aschenputtel, with the stepsister cutting off her toes to fit the glass slipper as her inspiration. What ensues is the untold story of how obsessive one can be to change their outward appearance, given the horrific ways one would go about it in the middle ages. Many people could take a look at this and realize very quickly how aesthetics have always been a demon of desire, wandering and meaningless, only to beckon the call of the fragile. I think this is one of the most overlooked movies of 2025 and even if your are not a fan of body horror, this story is ripe enough with amazing talent from an unknown filmmaker. When I first saw it, I knew it was going to be on this list.

4.5 Out Of 5

2) FRANKENSTEIN – Guillermo Del Toro has done it again. I had no doubt that his interpretation of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein would be anything short of incredible, given his films in the Hellboy series, Pan's Labyrinth, Crimson Peak, and his Academy Award-winning The Shape Of Water (or, as I call it, 'the merman fuck film'), but I consistently asked myself, “Why make another Frankenstein film? This story has been told 100 thousand different ways already. What's the point?” After resigning to already dismiss the movie after being dumped to Netflix, I went ahead and watched it on many friends opinions and was perplexed as to how dismissive I had been to one of the greatest filmmakers of our time. Jason Isaac continues to shine on camera, despite his odd choices of roles. Jacob Elordi is unrecognizable as “The Creature” which adds the second part of the story. Mia Goth is always a breath of fresh air, as I do not believe I have seen her in something that I hated, and I have seen her in a lot! Just like with One Battle After Another, the 2 ½ hour runtime is the only thing I hold against it. This interpretation of Frankenstein might just be my favorite. . Thus far. There will be more.

4.5 Out Of 5

1) WEAPONS – I think I purposefully decided not to review this movie earlier on in the year. Fuck it, this one has had me baffled, starstruck, and doubled-over. When Zach Creggar made this, he was following-up to his magnificent first movie, Barbarian, and the more amazing shit I have to say about that one, the better. Hearing how Creggar dedicated this, in some way, towards his fallen friend from TheWhitest Kids You Know is some of the most heart-wrenching shit I could think of. To use such pain to move beyond, in a movie that would very easily be misinterpreted as incoherent, is more than any sort of praise I can muster. There is a huge message about alcohol and domestic abuse that is very prevalent, yet never makes itself truly known, and broken up into multiple stories does give it that pulp-like nostalgia that is so easy to follow. Josh Brolin is amazing in everything he does, Julia Garner keeps the same hairstyle and high-waisted jeans she did in The Wolfman, Alden Ehrenreich and Austin Abrams do an amazing job in their subplot, but Cary Christopher steals the show as Alex, the kid who takes down the evil Aunt Gladys. I am not certain how this or any others I picked for this list are going to age, but that is not for me to decide. This is my gem of this year.

4.5 Out Of 5

Sew Torn (2024)

a review by Evan Landon

What a taught thriller!

I found myself watching Sew Torn at a very weird place in my life. I won't get too far into it, but most of what this movie portrays itself as is an ethical tale about discovering new paths in our own livelihoods, no matter what conditioning or set backs one could imagine. The things we consider core to our truths outweigh not even the actions of others, but ourselves, too. At the center of every story, accountability is probably the most overall trait to any success, but what clearer stance do you need when writing a thriller? You can only do so much with whatever resources you have to create the story and timeline that is warranted for such a vehicle. This one chose thread.

The premise of Sew Torn is an incredibly simple one: a young woman, Barbara Duggen, is plagued by memories of her overbearing mother and inherits her sewing business that ain't doing too well. That would be okay, if she wasn't constantly reminded, through makeshift patches with her mother's voice, that her only job is to keep the sewing business alive. An old woman from town tasks her to sew a button on her wedding dress, but she loses it down a vent, so she has to go get another one. What ensues is a series of possibilities where she uses her sewing skills to survive two random motorists killing each other over a case of money.

The movie breaks itself into three individual stories that are all uniquely tied together.

1. Perfect Crime – In this first iteration, Barbara takes the case with all of the money in it. Through a series of her stringing elaborate designs together between the two motorists, she is able to give both of the guns back to their rightful owners for them to kill each other. Problems occur when one refuses to perish, leading to a string of incidents that leaves many dead along the wake.

2. Call Police - In this second iteration, Barbara takes the case with all of the money in it. Much like the first time, Barbara is intent on keeping the case full of money, except this time she chooses to call the police. The problem is that the sole police officer is also the judge, sheriff, and magistrate of the town and has no time for her bullshit. The only problem is that now everyone involved is being hunted by the owner of the case, one of whom being the owner's son.

3. Drive Away - In this third iteration, Barbara decides NOT to take the case with all of the money in it, but they find her anyways. Merely following her to the next stop, the owner of the case wanted his son to follow in his footsteps by making the money drop, but the son has no interest in doing so. Through a series of very subtle actions, Barbara attempts to free herself and the son with her insane sewing skills.

What makes this movie work is how it seamlessly threads every moment and action that obscures the thought of fate and inevitability. Fairly unknown actress Eve Connelly does a fantastic job carrying the film and veteran actor John Lynch always pulls off a menacing performance as the man hunting the case full of money down. With an indie movie like this, the acting needs to be as good as the words that are written in the script and this one does it almost flawlessly.

Blending an entire wealth of avant garde surrealism, Sew Torn is a wonderfully told yarn of madness. In fact, Freddy Macdonald wrote this with his father, Fred Macdonald, who ran the production company “Olive Jar Studios” through commercials, music videos, and advertisements after Freddy made an award-winning short of this film that caught the eye of one of the Coen brothers. Things start off like a lost episode of Twin Peaks and you wouldn't be too surprised to imagine that because of the amazing score by Jacob Tardien constantly reminding you what sort of weird shit you are watching.

These are the kinds of movies that should be made, not nostalgia-bait regurgitated bullshit. Not every success needs to be a franchise. This is a fine example of that, but I don't foresee that happening with this gem and that's a good thing. Plus, you get a ton of unnecessary sewing puns when anyone discusses it.

“The mobile seamstress, suddenly not so mobile. .”

4.5 Out Of 5

The Man Who Killed Hitler And Then The Bigfoot (2018)

a review by Evan Landon

We've all thought about it.

What would happen if Bigfoot had a virus that could wipe out all of mankind, so the United States and Canadian governments hire a man who killed Hitler to hunt the sucker down and put a bullet in it's head? No..? You have never thought about that? Well, you might be dumbfounded to know that is the exact story that writer/director Robert D. Krzykowski wished to tell.

Now, I bet you are saying to yourself, “I thought Hitler died in some bomb shelter. . or whatever” and you would be absolutely right. That is not to say that certain stories have taken liberty with such facts, but like I always say, don't let facts get in the way of a good story!

Thusly, the story of The Man Who Killed Hitler And Then The Bigfoot is exactly what it says it is, even if that is a word salad of a title. An old World War II veteran named Calvin Barr is asked by both the United States and Canadian governments to track down and exterminate the mythical creature, Bigfoot. Why, you ask? Simple. Bigfoot is carrying an apocalypse-level disease. The only problem is that the world-weary veteran is disillusioned with his government because of how they covered up the assassination of Adolf Hitler he completed all those years ago.

What initially sounds like a tongue-in-cheek, campy b-movie is actually a somber tale of an aging man coming to terms with a life that has felt like a lie when no one acknowledged his major triumphs. Told through flashbacks, the time spent playing the role of Calvin Barr is split up between the great Sam Elliott and Irish-born actor, Aidan Turner, or as I like to call him “Kili, The Hot Dwarf From Those Shitty Hobbit Films.”

Writer and director Robert D. Krzykowski stated that his vision for the film was “the imagery of Norman Rockwell and the words of John Steinbeck” which seems like a really odd choice. I mean, if you are shooting for some type of prestige film, maybe pick a different topic. . But what the fuck do I know? I walked into this one hoping for a horror/action b-movie and got a mild-mannered table licker.

It could be worse, I guess.

Sam Elliott is worth watching, no matter what kind of movie he makes and he is always fantastic to watch. There is one action scene at the beginning that you can clearly tell is not him, so that made me think it would get a little more tacky. Instead, we get an elderly man who sits around eating dinner, playing with his dog, and staring off into space for most of its 98 minute run-time. So, I suppose if it were anyone else that weren't Sam Elliott, it would be completely unwatchable. If that is the kind of movie you are expecting, however, by all means, have at it!

Oh yeah, there is also absolutely no gore, so it is bestest to get that idea out of your skull first before watching.

2 Out Of 5

The Way Of The Gun (2000)

a review by Evan Landon

“For the record, I'll call myself Mr. Parker. My associate will be Mr. Longbaugh. . .”

- Parker (The Way of the Gun, 2000)

To be completely honest with you, I am not entirely sure how many times I have watched this movie, so let's just say my review is going to hinge on how much I fucking love it. Thats fine, right?

It truly is a difficult task to tell you how great The Way of the Gun is without giving up the ghost in this review. The fact is, The Way of the Gun is a time capsule within itself, and there is a certain reverence to pay homage to. In order to really explain it all in full detail would beggar logic, so let us get past pleasantries the same way this one does. .

Within the first 20 minutes of this film, we are introduced to our main characters, Parker & Longbaugh, who do not just smack the fuck out of Sarah Silverman in the very first scene, but also get the shit kicked out of them for it. Then, we are brought elegantly to our plot where these two sociopaths overhear that a young lady is a surrogate mother for a perfectly capable couple who cannot be bothered to carry it, so they do the most logical thing in this movie and kidnap her. What ensues is a cat-and-mouse game from southern California into Mexico while our two protagonists attempt to succeed in their hair-brained scheme against insurmountable odds with some of the greatest, unheralded tactical gunplay scenes I have ever witnessed.

Writer Christopher McQuarrie shines in his directorial debut after his beloved screenplay, The Usual Suspects, made him a household name. He would go on to write and direct a good number of Tom Cruise films, including Valkyrie, Jack Reacher, Edge of Tomorrow, The Mummy, Top Gun; Maverick, & the last four Mission: Impossible movies.

Some lines are so memorable that I will just leave a few right here:

“There is always free cheese in a mousetrap. .”

“Karma is justice without the satisfaction, & I don't believe in justice.”

“ A woman needs security like a man needs approval.”

“We're not talking about how long you're going to live, hun. It's how slow you're gonna die.”

“A heart is the only thing of value. If you have one, get rid of it.”

As deeper meditations of old age, James Caan and Geoffrey Lewis are able to depict the maturing “bag men” insanely well, as they are the main characters in a subplot that coalesces seamlessly with all of the others, and there are a few! I would be remiss if I did not mention Taye Diggs (in maybe my favorite of any of his many parts) and the late, great Nicky Katt (R.I.P) as Juliette Lewis's bodyguards with their own intentions in mind.

The Colt 1911 is heavily featured, so if'n ya love a good armory, fuck yeah, it's there! There are plenty of other guns, so if'n you are squeamish with that, maybe it is better not to watch a movie called The Way of the Gun, but yknow. . It's your life. Watch whatevs.

This is just a fantastic movie that never gets old for me and never gets talked about enough. My only tiny, little gripe is that it drags a lot in the middle, but that is done on purpose to flush out the multi-layered characters that populate this tense underworld. That's it though. Definitely watch this one, if you have not yet. If you have, fuck it. Watch it again!

“Til that day. . .”

Til that day, indeed.

4.5 Out Of 5

Anything For Jackson (2020)

a review by Evan Landon

There is a lot to be said about Canadian horror.

For decades, the maple leaf country has been at the forefront of the genre, making its statements with such titles as Black Christmas, The Changeling, My Bloody Valentine, The Gate, Ginger Snaps, and anything to everything David Cronenberg or his kids have ever made. That is too many to name in one review, but you catch the drift.

Enter the longtime writer/director team of Keith Cooper and Justin G. Dyck, who have delivered on such horror classics as A Puppy For Christmas, My Dad Is Scrooge, A Very Country Christmas, Christmas With A Prince: Becoming Royal, Christmas In Paris, Christmas In The Rockies, and many other holiday classics. Needless to say, this pair were well-versed enough to tackle their first supernatural horror film.

The movie starts out fairly reasonably, as the elderly couple of Henry & Audrey are attempting to use dark magic to bring back the soul of their grandson, Jackson, and shove it into the fetus of a pregnant lady who may or may not know how she got that way, but definitely wants to keep it. What ensues is a number of different escapades to thwart their progress, such as: a guy who really wants to plow their driveway, a detective who is looking for the missing pregnant girl, a bald ginger who frequents their local satanic mass, and a whole host of angry ghosts and ghouls ready to cross the rubicon and terrorize the living.

For the most part, I really enjoyed Anything For Jackson because of its premise and overall execution. You can easily tell that a lot of care and attention went into every scene of the story that is shot by very competent, experienced filmmakers. The acting by the grandparents, played respectfully by Sheila McCarthy and Julian Richings, is a perfect cross between diabolical and pathetic that adds an overall dreary atmosphere that coalesces throughout the film. You kind of end up rooting for them, in some sick way. Konstantina Mantelos is adequate as the pregnant mother and enough time has passed for her to have been in many more projects, but I suppose this one flew way too far under the radar for major production companies to take notice.

My only gripe would be certain aspects of the story that I had to rewind to make sure did not elude me from the very first scene. Like how is the girl kidnapped at the very beginning, why some of the lesser characters are purposefully offing themselves, and what is the background or reason for some of the unwanted spirits. A great story can only take you so far, but not conveying certain aspects of it clearly can sink that boat pretty quickly.

A pretty funny anecdote about how Cooper and Dyck came up with the premise for Anything For Jackson is when they were pitching ideas to their company execs and were asked if they had any ideas for a horror film. They lied and said they did. In the car ride home, Cooper & Dyck came up with what they called a “backwards exorcism” that focused more on the ones that are usually the victims, like elderly grandparents. Turns out these two are insane satanists trying to shove the soul of their beloved grandson into an unsuspecting prego chica.

I love this movie for how it is done and everything pays off. It is very dark, but also comedic, which is fantastic.

3.5 Out Of 5

PussyCake (Emesis: El Amor Mata) (2021)

a review by Evan Landon

Now, I know what you are thinking: “are we reviewing pornography now?” or “how does a pussy or a cake even go together?” or, my favorite, “seriously. . is this pornography?”

No, sir. This is an Argentinian horror film. In fact, Argentina has been releasing tons of fantastic horror movies, as of recent. Titles such as When Evil Lurks, Terrified, The Wailing, Into The Abyss, and History of the Occult spring immediately to mind, but there is surely more to come.

Let me set this horror masterpiece up for you: an all-girl pop band (that everyone seems to love, or at least enough for them to have a manager) is out enjoying their tour, but then their van breaks down. That serves to be a minor inconvenience to the stylistic group of vixens because their van happens to break down in a town under attack by a body-snatching inter-dimensional final boss that plants humans in the ground so it can attach roly-polies to the backs of their heads, thus making them his braindead killer zombies army. Pretty simple, right?

I mean, there is a loose origin story at the beginning about a kid trying to find out about his father creating man-made blackholes that should be discussed a lot more, but you get the drift. All the same, these girls act just like anyone else their age would, as immature rockstars, taking copious amounts of drugs and fucking around with the other band members. As a former musician and band member, I can tell you that is a BIG problem in bands.

PussyCake (Emesis: El Amor Mata) is the first film that I have witnessed by prolific Argentinian sci-fi/horror director Pablo Parés and am flummoxed as to how I have never crossed paths with any of his films until now! I am now currently running through his catalog of titles such as Daemonium: Underground Soldier, Plaga Zombie: American Invasion, I Am Toxic, and Doctor Cerebro which I will gladly watch and report back what I find.

By the way, I might be the only person who gives these movies favorable reviews, so make your own decisions when it comes to what you watch. Or what I watch. I know that nobody agrees with everything I do because I don't agree with everybody else about everything they do. So there. Formulate your own opinions. That being said, it seems that this one did not get a lot of favorable reviews and that is just fine.

As with any horror film, I love my gore and this one has it in spades. Pablo Parés started his production company Cine Salvaje and Bum-Fi-Bum with his brother, then distributed through FARSA Producciones that does a lot of audiovisual work all over Argentinian television and film. Their production value and cinematography is miles above what we do with our practical effects in horror films these days.

Described as a “horror musical”, there really is not any aspects of a musical, unless you count their rendition of their hit song, “Espejos de una Tormenta”, which is not played by the actresses (who do a fantastic job btw), but by Pablo Fuu, who is huge in the Argentinian horror scene and deserves a lot more international credit. I also think it's hilarious how the girls in the band all have the last name “cake” like they are The Ramones. I mean, their names are literally Elle Cake, Sara Cake, Sofi Cake, and Juli Cake.

Like I said, PussyCake (Emesis: El Amor Mata) is not going to change the mind of any sane person. A foreign horror film described as Josie & The Pussycats meets Evil Dead is ill-equipped to do that, but to those of us who delight in this dumb, gory fun, it is fundamentally everything we ask for... and boy, does it deliver!

4 Out Of 5

HEMET, or the Landlady Don't Drink Tea (2023)

a review by Evan Landon

To be completely honest with you, I had no idea that “Hemet” was an actual city in southern California, much less a dark indie comedy from 2023 that completely skipped my radar. The root of the word is “a cloth to finish garments” which will not help you in understanding just what the fuck is going on in this movie.

What this movie attempts to conjure is a small town in SoCal that is under attack by zombie-like citizens that are turned in to cannibals via bath salts. Now, this is no ordinary zombie apocalyptic invasion because the zombies are not truly zombies. In fact, they are merely regular ole folk that happen to be addicted to bath salts just meandering around town that get high and cannibalize people.

The plot revolves around a residential complex in the arid area of southern California that resembles a dilapidated motel in the middle of nowhere, although the city streets do not seem to be affected. There is a small town police force that patrols, as the beleaguered tenants resolve to find new ways of dispatching their geriatric landlady that has absolutely no problem cursing them out or evicting them for no reason. The more we find out about these tenants, however, it would seem that she is not the worst of the lot of them.

Built on a shoestring microbudget, a movie like Hemet, or the Landlady Don't Drink Tea must depend on its characters and wily dialogue in order to excel beyond other films with larger budgets just to compete. If it was an indie heartbreaking arthaus tearjerker, it would be built on scenic photography and people you don't know crying every 5 minutes, but this is a black horror comedy, so you kind of have to wait for the gore - which is adequate for what kind of film this one attempts to be.

Let's count some of the kills, shall we: A hippy gets an axe to the head after being offered a six pack of truce, a cop accidentally shoots a psychopathic redneck in the head after cutting off the hippy's hand, a cat gets blended up with bath salts so a boy can poison his family, his young girl is gunned down in the back by cops trying to escape, and most of the characters that are left end up with their legs eaten by bath salt zombies.

Now, if I was going to search for an underlying theme here, I would say that while this film was filmed in 2021 during the pandemic, it represents a profound view of what isolation would seem like to a person cut off from the normality of everyday life and left to their own devices instead. The few people around are equally as distressed and possibly more warped than the next with absolutely no release of their frustration.

As a standout, co-writer and producer Brian Patrick Butler leads the cast as the savage, filthy, elderly landlady that terrorizes her tenants, but the cast is able to coalesce with his charisma enough to pull off a fun little B-movie that truly understands what it is and they all understand the assignment. If you enjoy a schlocky, low-budget movie that is self-aware in its complexity, this is definitely one to check out.

Poor cat though. That always gets me.

3 Out Of 5

VELOCIPASTOR (2017)

a review by Evan Landon

Within the first five minutes of this comedy horror classic from 2017, our cold open is merely a title card that reveals the movie is “Rated X by an all-Christian jury.” A pastor then exits his church to be subject to his parents dying in an explosion, which is shown to the viewer as a title card that reads “VFX: Car On Fire.” The next scene is an old pastor comforting our hero by chugging communion wine whilst offering the sage words of, “That's what parents do. They die on you.” That should be enough to let you know what kind of movie we are in for.

Imagine the year is 2010, and a young student at the School of Visual Arts in Manhattan named Brendan Steere is attempting to text the word “velociraptor”, then autocorrect changes it to “velocipastor” and, thusly, begins to form a screenplay in his head. That is the genesis of this brilliant concept.

I guess I would be remiss if I did not tell you what this movie is actually about, so let's go there: a Catholic priest named Doug Jones goes to China, after his parents are killed to “see the world,” and cleanse his spirit. Once there, he comes across a woman who is attempting to escape a group of ninjas whom are trying to take a tooth, or artifact, that will turn one into a “dragon warrior.” After trying to kill her, in her dying gasps, she gives Father Doug the artifact, which he immediately botches and cuts his hand open.

Now, I know what you are thinking: “Isn't he supposed to be a priest who turns into a dinosaur? Perhaps, a velociraptor?” The only answer is “yes.” Yes, he certainly does. However, if that is your only gripe with this film, you might be watching the wrong movie.

Velocipastor is definitely not a good movie. It's not even a great movie. It is considered by many to be a “so bad, it's good” movie, but it kind of transcends that for me. I watch a lot of terrible movies, and while this is one of them, it is also echelons above other self-aware, terrible popcorn flicks. There are more names than Lavalantula that fit into that category. Believe me.

Obviously, nobody who is willing to watch this movie is thinking about special effects, so let's just skip that shit. One of the easiest scenes to find online has to be the final battle where a half-man/half-velociraptor has to fend off a half-dozen ninjas in a Barney-esque costume. The less I say about that scene, the better.

Aside from the acting, the music is actually pretty damn good. Gregory James Cohan resembles a solid-mix of Dexter & John Mulaney, so if that entices you, go for it. As far as the music goes, “The Holy Mess” does an incredible job with some songs that really make this movie work.

All-in-all, Velocipastor is a self-aware, schlocky B-movie from a time that never should have been. It was made to be what it is, and shall always remain that. Props.

There is a sequel too. We should pin that for later. .

3 Out Of 5

SINNERS (2025)

a review by Evan Landon

A lot of horror movies get a lot of praise these days. Some a little more than others, but at least we are seeing a lot more recognition for the kind of films that are usually overlooked. In fact, many of my arthouse, academy-loving friends like this movie a lot more than I do... & no, that does not make me stupid, or ignorant. Does it?

In Ryan Coogler's original screenplay, that started off as an untitled project, with the leading man he had solidified with his other franchised films, we are introduced to two vastly different characters, who just happen to be twins. That becomes the apparent plot-point extremely quickly. That happens when both twins (played by Michael B. Jordan & Michael B. Jordan), named “Smoke” & “Stack” which are unimaginative enough for it to feel like somebody would name their kids that, except this is the 1930's. So, it fits. They, as a pair, have fought against all odds to become more than mere sharecroppers with the disjointed societal and economic decline as its backdrop. From the cars to the people that inhabit it, the setting of 1932 Clarksdale, Mississippi is so believable that the viewer is never once unaware of that fact.

After the brothers return to their hometown, they decide to take their ill-gotten earnings, made in Chicago, and establish a speakeasy for their community to frequent. With a host of positions for each of their old acquaintances to fill as employment, their opening night is one thing that they were not counting on. An Irish vampire turns a married Klansmen couple, then stumble (or float) upon the twin’s soiree. After turning them away, the vampires elect to set up shop right outside their establishment and end up turning Stack's ex-girlfriend. Once she is invited back inside, well... let's just say things get quite fucked up pretty quickly.

Now, if that sounds like a damn interesting movie, ya damn right it is! If you have read any of my reviews before, you know I love my horror schlock, but for some reason this one just did not gel with me. There were some bewildering choices in this film that threw me off.

To be perfectly honest, this movie has more in common with From Dusk Til Dawn than it is different. Two criminal brothers take their ill-gotten gains to start a new life, then when everything seems like everything is going to work out for them, a bunch of damn vampires show up and slaughter a shitload of people in a bar. Sounds familiar, right?

One thing I definitely enjoyed was the music. Miles Caton really put himself on the map playing the nephew, Sammie, who really is the heart of this film. He definitely did play all of the songs he portrays in the film, and that is so refreshing because all we get in movies these days is dumbed-down remixes of songs we have already heard. Taking this approach certainly adds a lot of depth, as well as bringing to light certain talents that other actors fail to represent. At 20 years-old, the sky is the limit for this talented man.

As far as the gore goes, it's mediocre. Then again, I do give a lot of high praise to grindhouse flicks, so my senses might be a bit augmented. Again, it is no From Dusk Til Dawn. There is a scene that really took me out of the carefully procured setting and that is where the establishment starts going through genres across different times and countries. That shit was jarring and I can see what Coogler is going for, but it just impedes everything built to that point. The ending was a bit lackluster too, but I won't get too much into that for anyone who has not seen it yet.

I am looking forward to Coogler and Jordan's next feature about the Atlanta public school cheating scandal, so that should prove to be interesting enough to watch. It does seem like these two's fates are tied together after Sinners, Black Panther, Fruitvale Station, and the entire Creed series. No problem working with who you like though; it is a hallmark of many prolific filmmakers.

Sinners gets a lot of high praise for what it is and I agree. It is a cool film with a lot of topical and historical things to say... plus vampires! What else do you need?

3.5 Out Of 5

Shaun Of The Dead (2004)

a review by Evan Landon

“Take Pete's car, go to mum's, kill Phil, grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How's that for a slice of fried gold?”

- Shaun

It truly is a difficult task to make an original comedy that is incredibly funny and oddly satisfying, all the while seamlessly balancing it with the horror genre. Like I have always said, there is a fine line between horror and comedy, but they are more alike than they are different. Just look at how many comedians there are in horror films and how many horror actors are in comedies. Once you see it, you can't unsee it.

In all sincerity, watching a horror movie of any kind is going to grab my attention and usually I have a great time, comedic or not. Believe it or not, as close as those two genres are, there is a subtle way to blend both together majestically even though the contrast is easily observed. It's like if you put peanut butter and jelly on a steak as opposed to a piece of bread. That is a strange metaphor, but you get what I'm saying.

That is exactly what a young, fresh-faced filmmaker named Edgar Wright had set out to accomplish early in his career, landing a job early on as director of the British sitcom Asylum where he met Simon Pegg. The pair would then create Spaced where they met actor Nick Frost and history was made. Wright and Pegg then wrote Shaun Of The Dead, which was inspired by an episode of Spaced where Pegg's character hallucinated that he was killing zombies after taking amphetamines. The group would go on to collaborate on the Three Flavours Cornetto trilogy which includes Shaun Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz, and The World's End.

If you are not familiar with Shaun Of The Dead, the plot revolves around Shaun, a down-and-out electronics salesman. His co-workers humiliate him, he hates his stepfather, and his girlfriend just broke up with him. After a night of getting plastered with his best friend, Ed, his dickhead roommate, Pete, comes home after being bitten by an attacker on the way home. Finally realizing they were in the middle of a zombie apocalypse after disposing of two zombies in the backyard with household goods and Shaun's record collection, Shaun and Ed formulate a plan to steal zombie Pete's car, retrieve Shaun's mum and kill his zombie-bitten stepfather, pick up his ex-girlfriend and her flatmates, then go to their favorite watering hole, The Winchester, and wait for it all to blow over. Needless to say, not all of it goes according to plan in a series of comedic consequences. Yes, a lot of people die, but for some reason – it's fine. Whatevs. You have to expect these kind of things in zombie movies.

What truly works in this comedy horror fever dream is how everyone involved in this movie understands their assignment from the very start. Despite knowing full well that Shaun is your main character, he is incredibly unlikable, unfunny, uninteresting, and untrustworthy. He really does become less irritating as a character and shows the true growth that he lacked in his dreary, everyday life. When you are first introduced to him, he comes off as a living zombie going through his mundane, repetitive bullshit with no respect for himself, which in turn leads everyone around him to treat him the same. Admit it, we all know someone just like that. There is one hilarious scene where he sleepily walks to the store the same way does every day, not noticing that the zombie apocalypse had fallen upon the upscale Crouch End neighborhood of London.

I would be remiss if I did not mention the makeup effects by Stuart Bray and his team at the Iver Makeup Academy, which is better than most of the horror movies with even larger budgets. The soundtrack plays a huge part too, especially the final bar scene at The Winchester set to Queen's “Don't Stop Me Now” that fits perfectly for God knows what reason, but it does. Also, you will never hear Duran Duran's “White Lines” the same way without thinking of the zombie they confuse for a drunk limping down the alley.

Making its premier in spring of 2004, this unexpected hit cleaned up $38.7 million at the box office against a small $6 million budget making it a worldwide success and launching the careers of everyone involved from Simon Pegg and Nick Frost to the key grip (Paul Hatchman has had a lovely career) and Edgar Wright has gone on to create the aforementioned Hot Fuzz and The World's End, but also hits like Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Ant-Man, and Baby Driver. He even dated Anna Kendrick for a while, so that makes me a little jealous.

If you have never heard of this movie or you have just never seen it, I suggest you change that today because that is something you will not regret. I haven't given out 5 stars in years, but I honestly cannot think of anything I dislike about this film and it still makes me laugh my ass off like no other movie can twenty years later... I just don’t like Simon Pegg as an actor, but that’s fine too. I doubt he cares.

Yeah, boyyyeee!

4 Out Of 5

CUBE (1997)

a review by Evan Landon

I think anyone that is even slightly familiar with the current movie landscape can agree that horror movies have been on the upstroke recently, especially in this past year. In fact, we are seeing horror movies winning academy awards that are not shoehorned into the special effects category, just to get that ever-elusive nod from the academy. What a time to be alive!

One movie that I never miss a chance to enjoy, whenever it comes on, is writer/director Vincenzo Natali's feature length breakthrough, 1997's Cube. Believe it or not, Natali got his start as a storyboard artist for some of my favorite television cartoons as a kid, such as Beetlejuice, Tales From The Crypt Keeper, and Eek! The Cat.

I can literally imagine a man noteworthy for storyboarding making a series of pictures so cohesive that the viewer has no choice but to be involved. The pictures, frame-by-frame, coalesce better than any background could even own, yet it does. The dying art of the scenery leads every character into multiple mistakes that make the rules of the script very, very real.

In Cube, a group of individuals, who have nothing at all in common with each other (besides being in a fucking cube) awaken in a mysterious Cube-esque structure. Thus, the nomenclature: CUBE.

The are a total of seven characters that are introduced in the first 15 minutes. Yes, only seven. The first one dies within the first 5 minutes (just to let you know what kind of movie you are fucking watching), so no use in getting to know him. Your new 6 characters are:

QUENTIN: a cop with a family whose only remorse is that he cannot provide for his daughters while he is imprisoned in the CUBE.

RENNES: a French escape artist who has escaped from seven maximum security prisons, who could care less if the others follow.

HOLLOWAY: a conspiracy theorist and free clinic doctor who, when asked what she remembers before she got there, yells “Pierogies!”

WORTH: a mysterious man who may know more than he is letting on, saying “No one is in charge. There is no master plan. Big Brother is not watching you. Someone got voted out, or this is an accident.”

LEAVEN: a young high school student, who has a hidden talent that no one is aware of at first, but once figured out, she becomes the guide through this immensely confusing maze.

KAZAN: an autistic savant that our most of established characters meet that could be the key to all of their salvation.

Upon this, each character is tested and alignments shift over the course of the film, as their backgrounds and intentions become clearer. The characters themselves draw it's audience into the very surroundings that continue to confuse and program terror into both viewer and it's characters, making the setting a character in itself. Can a group of total strangers in a diabolical series of cells work together to escape a maze of deathly traps, or will they begin to blame each other as their minds and bodies begin to dissolve under the stress?

I think, deep down, Cube is a story of self-reflection and audience. I mean, why tell the story of a bunch of people you could not care about? You know nothing about about any of these characters, yet the story dictates that anything that the characters come across is already an obstacle. Why? I don't know, maybe it's when well-known character actor, Julian Richings, getting sliced into a million pieces in the first 3 minutes.

I would be remiss if I did not offer the token of “nature vs. nurture” as a common vice between the arguments of these title characters. The subtleties of the Kafka-esque, prison-like environment also points to another layer of underlying philosophies that are more than abundant in this indie, sci-fi horror classic.

There is one glaring issue that happens in the second act where whats her name is able to keep main man from punching homeboy's lights out, so I don't think I will overlook that. Beyond that, this movie is substantially perfect.

Oh. There is a sequel, a prequel, and a Japanese remake too with a sick soundtrack. I'll get to all of those soon enough, but none compare to the original Cube.

4.5 Out Of 5

GLASS CASA (2024)

a review by Evan Landon

What would happen if four women were at a bachelorette party, took drugs with a stranger in a domicile that was not theirs, then a male stripper winded up dead? A road to wackiness, that's what happens! That is my initial synopsis of 2024's Glass Casa, a ridiculous mystery-comedy by writer and director Laa Marcus. Laa only has two other short films to draw from: 2006's Waiting Room & 2016's Divorce Party which are whimsical in the same way as this one. Is that a good thing though?

The easiest way for me to describe Glass Casa to any random person walking down the street is that it is a bunch of drugged-up idiots lighting up a stranger's house while they are not there. I don't know how selling houses works, but I am absolutely fucking certain that you cannot just set up shop there. Let's just put that on the back-burner for now tho...

Glass Casa begins with a montage of what occurs in the movie, highlighted by a young girl's voice saying “this is what happened the night I was born...” I won't spoil too much here, but the child being born is a complete afterthought. Then there is a very Supernatural-esque title card that they may want to look into before they trashed with any copyrights. 

Our story focuses on a group of women who are invited to a pregnant realtor's luxurious home that she is selling to throw a party for one of the girl’s bachelorette party. Simple. One girl, Evie (Geri Courtney-Austein) has the brilliant idea of bringing a male stripper over and, guess what... he dies in a bathtub from a head wound! Did he slip or was he bludgeoned and placed there? That premise will continuously get worse as the bachelorette, Jamie (Harley Bronwyn), is now tripping balls with the others and wants to keep fiasco from her fiance. Then the dude that was there beforehand that was squatting there, Charlie (Justin Michael Terry), keeps making things worse, I don't know... He might be the only interesting character to be honest. I feel like he was supposed to be a bit part, but then they realized the character was more interesting than anything else that happens, so they just gave him more screen time. This movie is a fucking mess.

From the very first scene, I just had a feeling that nothing was going to add up. When it did, the movie did it under the guise of humor that almost led me to believe that the events would unfold into some ridiculous and idiotic that I wanted to throw my shoe at the television screen.

Also, if the characters are all tripping on acid, where were all of the visuals?! That would have at least kept my mind busy on something else aside from the bullshit plot and stale acting that tries to make sense of the drab dialogue confined to a ludicrous script. I won't even attempt to explain to you what happens because I have watched this fucking thing three times and I still remember nothing. The characters are unlikeable, the story is stupid, and nobody with half a brain and stoned could possibly enjoy this. It did win some awards, I guess, so check it out for yourself. Maybe I'm wrong.

To sit here and try to muster any sort of validation as to why this pile of shit exists only serves to make me want to sit under a tree and have a pigeon shit all over my face. That is a little harsh though, so I will say getting mauled by a beaver with rabies sounds a lot more interesting than watching this one more time.

Note: I really do want to help independent filmmakers reach their highest potential, but when this is their highest potential, I cannot sit here and lie to you saying that this is a good movie. I am not Rotten Tomatoes, so nobody is paying me to give this anything more than my overall score.

My advice to filmmaker Laa Marcus is this: pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and put a little more effort into something that will actually entertain its viewers. There is some potential here, so don't get too down on yourself, Laa.

I don’t think taking acid or getting high or piss drunk to watch this movie will help you. Imagine some of the most insufferable, bland, directionless idiots run around tripping on acid when there is a very real problem is at all entertaining. It is obvious that the people making it had a good time tho, but that doesn’t mean shit to the audience. There are some post credit outtakes that are supposed to ingratiate the audience to this obnoxious group of characters that honestly made me hate this movie even more.

0.5 Out Of 5

The Gorge (2025)

a review by Evan Landon

What irritates me the most about certain movies is how they get a huge budget for their screenplays, but care almost nothing for their storytelling. That could be an issue with every movie, but The Gorge truly suffers for other reasons.

Stars Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller continue to both baffle and impress me with their choices of projects they have been picking as of late. Teller has been making subtle waves since the Divergent series, then capturing a lot of attention as Goose's son, Rooster, in 2022's Top Gun: Maverick. Taylor-Joy has always had a closer place in my heart for her turns in The Witch, The Menu, The Queen's Gambit, and Furiosa, but I feel like her talents are completely wasted in this outing.

To be perfectly honest, The Gorge feels like a passion project more than a cash grab, so I do respect it on that level. That being said, is it a movie that is interesting? What The Gorge engages in is almost a writer/director/producer not knowing how to tell a love story, yet masks it in the background of zombie-ish warfare. Two snipers who fall in love in the face of mutated zombies does sound kind of heartwarming and romantic, right? I have strange tastes.

The plot is pretty ridiculous, so if you are not fond of how wacky this premise is, you will absolutely hate this movie. The story follows an ex-marine sniper named Levi (Miles Teller) and Lithuanian sharpshooter, Drasa (Anya Taylor-Joy), who are both tasked with containing whatever evil resides at the bottom of a gorge from two separate sides; Levi on the west side of the chasm and Drasa on the east side.

Throughout the course of six months, the two begin to form a friendship even though they were instructed never to communicate. After a series of attacks from the mutated, zombie-like creatures residing at the bottom, Levi fashions a rope to cross over to Drasa. Their friendship quickly shifts from strangers, then to comrades, and ultimately lovers. When the rope breaks on his way back across, Levi crashes to the misty grounds at the bottom of the chasm. Having just made love, Drasa parachutes down to save him from certain death. Now, the two must make their way back to the top of the gorge, all the while struggling to survive the treacherous inhabitants of the canyon floor.

The story by writer Zach Dean is no doubt a romance in a world straight out of a horror novel, which is no doubt a pretty exciting setting. The major problems with the script is not the only thing that fails in The Gorge, however. To become fully invested in either of these characters, one has to suspend disbelief from the very beginning and that could be a chore in itself. The dialogue is clunky and there are multiple plot holes that are so big that you could compare them to the gorge itself, leaving it up to the charm of these two characters to truly resonate with the audience. In some ways, it does, but there really is no chemistry between the two, so if you are already buying in to the world that has been built for you, it should not be too difficult to surmise.

Journeyman director Scott Derrickson is able to make some semblance of danger to convey, but is undone when the CGI mutants are just goofy enough to be in a SyFy channel movie. There is some decent action scenes, if you can get past that, but those creatures were just too fake for me to overlook. There is multiple cringe scenes where they come up with the dumbest ways to shoehorn in songs you know Derrickson thought would be bad ass. In turn, it is hilarious in all the ways it attempts not to be.

In the end, The Gorge is an exciting, romantic action flick that is a lot more fun if you turn your brain off. It boasts a great premise with an equally great cast, but it does not stick the landing. There are also multiple cringe scenes that are shoehorned in so hard that it feels like any song that truly spoke to the director allows a slew of montages on so many different, superfluous occasions.

Anya Taylor-Joy continues to be a saving grace in every film she is in though. Falling in love with her might be the most believable part of any movie.

2.5 Out Of 5