Seven Cemeteries (2024)
a review by Evan Landon
It should be common knowledge by now that Danny Trejo is more than just a character actor, but a Mexican-American treasure. Making his debut in the 1985 action adventure Runaway Train at 41 years-old, he has gone on to win over 20 awards and has over 250 acting credits to his name. Not only that, he was also a lightweight and welterweight boxing champion in the San Quentin penitentiary after being charged with multiple armed robbery and drug-related offenses. You need look no further for inspiration than this man.
Interesting Factoid: the original Runaway Train screenplay was based off an original Akira Kurosawa script that was never made, which is odd because Seven Cemeteries is almost (if not) a complete recreation of Kurosawa’s epic, Seven Samurai, which has been remade enough times for this one to be condoned, or forgiven.
In this one, Trejo plays a revolutionary hero who has been locked up for a few decades and is immediately contacted by a young woman whose husband was killed for their land as soon as he is released. She needs protection from the guy who did it, a business mogul named “El Abuelo” (or “The Grandpa” en espanol), who told her he would be back to make her sign it over. He says “nope” and tries to walk away to go live his own life, but is stopped by a corrupt sheriff who decides to murder him because of his known reputation. This leads a local “bruja” (or witch) to bring him back to life so he may kill El Abuelo and bring order to their forsaken land by resurrecting his dead posse for one last mission. The group contains a Mexican hockey player named “Stickface”, a redneck named “Tommy Lasorda”, a luchador couple who never said their goodbyes, a guy who tried to kill him in prison, and the bruja’s own special zombie. That makes seven, right..?
Like I said, this movie is almost a complete recreation of Seven Samurai with a supernatural twist, but we have already had so many that it seems to replicate itself. I suppose if Yojimbo was remade, he would find a way to turn a gang of vampires and a gang of werewolves against each other and make a good paycheck off that too. Writer/director John Gulager can have that idea for a sequel, if he is still looking for any ideas.
The issues with Seven Cemeteries are not even the weak, lifted storyline or the action scenes, which are done quite well considering the budget. There is also some decent gore too, so that def gives it a higher rating, but the issue is the incoherent script and its multitude of plot holes that are so glaring that it almost hurts the brain. The dialogue is reprehensible too, right down to the ridiculous lament the wrestler sings to his lover after she tells him she ended herself to get away from him. There are some dark themes, for sure.
For the most part, even though the story is lifted and needs a lot of polish, Seven Cemeteries is a pretty fun ride for what it is and what it unapologetically chooses to be. It’s not so terrible that you cannot watch it, but fun enough to turn the tv on and turn the brain off. Not a bad place to be, if you ask me, because it could have easily been fucked from the start with that premise.
2.5 Out Of 5