XXX-MAS (2023)
a review by Evan Landon
Christmas time. A time for cheer. A time for family and reflection. A time for holiday horror movies starring porn actors. Most of them, anyways.
Q: What exactly constitutes a porn star. . ? I mean, you could be in porn and not be a star. You would have to be in a lot, right? I don't have any notes on any of the cast because they are all mostly unknowns, but they may just be Only Fans models. That does not mean they are bad, in any sort of way. Porn stars are not known for their acting abilities either, but I am getting off track here.
Writer/director James Dean (no, not that one. . or the other one) was able to slip this chaotic holiday horror homage to YouTube, without a ton of heavy editing, which is fantastic for anyone brave enough to witness this blood and tit festival of debauchery. How much better of a review can I give without telling you exactly what happens? So, that is what I am going to do: Santa gets pissed at how naughty all of these porn stars are, so he slaughters them. That's it. There is your movie.
It would be remiss of me to end the review right there, so I will go into the other tirade about how many of these fucking Christmas horror movies we have these days. Violent Night, Krampus, Krampus: The Reckoning, Santa's Slay, and now, a fucking remake of Silent Night, Deadly Night??
The point is not to get caught up in what works in this film and what does not. I would never get upset for the graduation of intricate plot lines, unless it was meaning to progress any unimaginable thing that would leave something worth of value. I mean, it is not out of the realm of possibility that we have no new ideas, as far as major motion pictures go, but we really don't. The cookie-cutter approach of Hollywood bigwigs to regurgitate the same nonsensical stories starring fartboxes that had once made them money has seriously missed the mark with today's audiences, but they still do not seem to get the message. In most cases, I would be more supportive of anyone making a movie of any kind, but when these unoriginal dipshits fall flat on their bloated faces, I relish in it.
All that being said, what makes XXX-Mas different from all of those others is that it seems like everyone involved is having a great time making the picture. I cannot tell you how many times in big budget movies it seems like the actors look like they want to be anywhere else except the movie itself. It also feels like the entire crew is either bored, tired, or counting the minutes until they get their paycheck, then run off to their next project. Not here. Not in this one. That is very refreshing.
XXX-Mas is a lot of fun with enough gore to keep any horror fan interested and enough b-movie schlock for any aficionado to enjoy.
2 Out Of 5