BLOODSHOT (2020)
a review by Evan Landon
The latest movie I saw in theater since this whole quarantine epidemic was the newest Vin Diesel led franchise based off of a comic book, Bloodshot. While it’s not the usual b-movie, slapstick, body horror spectacle you guys are used to me reviewing, I do enjoy a good comic book movie every once in a while. Whilst criminally panned by critics (which usually sends me straight to watch it), this new wannabe franchise is pretty enthralling.
Doing my usual amount of above average sleuthing, I came across the Valiant Comics that the movie originally came from. If you know anything about me, I love me some comic books! I read the first volume in about an hour and still want more. Aside from the character’s real name being different than the one in the movie, it stays pretty consistent with the character Vin Diesel portrays. I don’t think it makes much of a difference if the character’s name is Angelo Mortalli or Ray Garrison, but the former definitely sounds more badass and like any Vin Diesel character ever. I wonder what made him change it because that definitely sounds like a classic Vinnie move for creative control, but I am merely speculating at this point.
The story follows a soldier who is killed after he and his wife are hunted down by an amazing Toby Kebbell who once again steals the show, even though I thought his character should have been extended more. He is brought back as the first dead soldier brought back to life by the company RST (Rising Spirit Tech) through nanotechnology. With this technology, CEO Dr. Emil Harting (Emmanuel Kuretich in the comics. Much better, again, right?) has a slew of other soldiers with synthetic eyes, legs, and lungs. These players have almost little or nothing to do with the real story, except for Dr. Harting (played by an always fantastic Guy Pearce) who turns out to be imprinting memories of Bloodshot’s death to utilize him as an assassin. He actually sees a different killer that shot him and his wife every different time.
I don’t want to spoil too much, but the nanotechnology that keeps him regenerating effect are pretty awesome and way different spectacle than what we have seen with Deadpool or Wolverine in the Marvel films which makes this comic book film stand apart. Even though Vin Diesel always plays Vin Diesel in every Vin Diesel movie, I feel like he did an alright job. Being surrounded by some pretty decent actors didn’t hurt neither.
2 out of 5
The Dead Don’t Die (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
If you told me the premise of The Dead Don’t Die before I even saw it, I would tell you that sounds like my kind of movie. If you went on to tell me who all was in it and what the filmmakers had done before it, I would tell you the same again. If you showed me a trailer of The Dead Don’t Die and a few scenes here or there, again I would say “that sounds like my kind of movie!” Unfortunately, for me, it was not.
Even in my own head, I tallied everything up and it stayed consistent that this would totally be the movie of the year for me. It checked every single box: self-aware, tongue-in-cheek, zombie movie parody starring an A-List of talent headed by the great and magnificent Bill Murray. It even had a modest, indie budget, written and directed by a highly acclaimed, up and coming filmmaker. For some reason, however, all of this fell very flat to me.
The film opens with our heroes, Officers Robertson & Peterson (played by Bill Murray and Adam Driver, respectfully) taking care of the mundane occurrences in the small town of Centerville, USA. The usual rigamarole of getting to know the townsfolk going through their daily routines is cliché enough to overlook somewhat, but a few strange characters enter the fray. Tilda Swinton plays a very eccentric mortician from Scotland who wields a katana and has a very interesting character twist at the end. Tom Waits portrays the homeless drifter on the edge of town that Robertson & Peterson let shoot at them from the forest, for some reason, and serves as a narrator of sorts. Steve Buscemi and Danny Glover also make appearances as clueless townsfolk who don’t add much to the story except fodder for the zombies. It certainly is a waste of two such fine actors, but not much else to be expected in a movie like this. In fact, Officer Morrison (played by an uninspired Chloe Sevigny) is more quizzical than afraid which downplays most of what happens, or should I say what doesn't happen.
All in all, this slow moving zombie flick falls just short of hitting the mark in every way for me which sucks because I really wanted to like this movie. Oh well. Maybe I'll change my mind after another viewing.
2 out of 5
DOCTOR SLEEP (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
I was a bit hesitant to write on this film, at first, because I am a huge fan of the book written by Stephen King in 2013. I am also a huge fan both the 1980 film, The Shining, as well as the 1977 book the same name. In that regard, I did not want it to seem like I was being any sort of biased in celebrating or completely flogging this movie, which is always more likely. But alas, this movie was great! It competently tied all three together to tell a story that is not only comprehensible in telling all three stories and adapting the fourth one seamlessly, but could even stand on its own in the annals of Hollywood films. Unfortunately, at the time of writing this article, the moviegoing audience did not agree.
The story opens much the same as the book with Danny and his mother mentally reeling from the events of The Shining somewhere in Florida not too long after. Doesn’t really matter where in Florida because all of Florida sucks swamp water. After an episode with the crazy naked ghost lady from Overlook Hotel Room 237 (Room 217 in the book) who absolutely loves taking baths, he is visited by his old friend, Dick Halloran. What is pretty cool about how the story is wound together with both the movie and the book is how Halloran was killed in the 1980 The Shining movie, but not the 1977 The Shining novel, and how the director is able to make it somewhat ambiguous on if the character is deceased or not.
Director Mike Flanagan brings his ghostly storytelling expertise to the forefront coming fresh off the 2018 Netflix sensation, House on Haunted Hill utilizing a great mix of camera shots and effects to immerse the viewer in very different universe almost flawlessly. His attention to detail is well apparent too within the confines of the movie allowing the audience to trust the integrity of each shot enough to let the eye wander exactly to where the director wants it to. The dreamscapes and psychic trances are done masterfully, as well as the deaths of the members of the True Knot.
Is it safe to say that Ewan MacGregor is one of the finest actors of our time? Ever since his debut in Trainspotting some 20 odd years ago, he has done nothing but kill it every single time. He was also Obi-Wan Kenobi, so chew on that for a second. Although he is the only A-List actor in this film, the rest of the cast deliver top bill performances as well. Rebecca Ferguson gives a haunting performance as the menacing leader of the True Knot, Rose the Hat, whose character is considered to be the most beautiful of all time, but hides the maniacal elements of a monster taken almost word for word from the book. Kyleigh Curran’s also steals the show as the young Abra, a child with a shining even more powerful than Danny’s or Rose the Hat’s and becomes Danny’s redemption. Also, Carl Lumbly’s portrayal of Dick Halloran is so on point, I was not sure at some points if it wasn’t Scatman Crothers’s ghost coming back to play the specter himself!
Some things differ from the 2013 novel of Doctor Sleep, but nothing that would take away from the story. There were some things here and there that I had to fact check, but anything that differed from the book has the whole intention of making a cohesive story that feathers in pieces of the original predecessor’s book and movie. For instance, the battle scenes between the True Knot and their quarry take place at different parts of the story and contain different outcomes, but are given enough room to breathe life into the story on their own. I won’t even get into the ending too much, as it would contain huge spoilers, but it does differ enough from the book to again tie all of the stories from the cinematic universe to the novels in a very tasteful way and should be applauded for doing so.
As far as the horror element goes, there isn’t much to make it anything stronger than a PG-13 rating, so there is a lot of gore and nudity missing from this film. That being said, the scares are more akin to that of The Conjuring or Insidious series, but the visual artistry is concise enough to leave images that will stick with you long after the movie. As the book itself had some horror aspects to it, it was really more of the story of Danny’s recovery and redemption than anything else, so the fact that they didn’t go crazy in that department is well and fine by me, but I think every movie could use more gore and nudity, of course.
The overall critical reception of this movie was good, almost the same as mine, but that did not translate into box office sales, unfortunately. It opened in the U.S, on November 8th, 2019 bowing to the Roland Emmerich historical war film, Midway, opening with a paltry $5 million versus a $55 million budget making it a huge disappointment for Warner Bros Studios. It finished up its box office run on December 10th, 2019 with a final income of $69.8 million leaving everyone a little worried if Stephen King’s moviegoing popularity is waning, but I will say this for certainty – his movies have always been hit or miss. Some become classics like The Shining, Carrie, or The Green Mile while some completely miss the mark and are almost immediately forgotten like Sleepwalkers, Thinner, or Dreamcatcher. The less said about those, the better. The name Stephen King will always be bankable even if he has a few duds along the way. It is a shame that this one fell into that category though.
3.5 out of 5
Girl On The Third Floor (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
Okay…
Let me first start off by stating this: I am a huge fan of professional wrestling. I am also a huge fan of horror If that does not send you running to the hills and not hearing my opinion about this movie for those reasons alone and you are still here, I think you might have a clue about why I wish to speak on this film.
This movie stars a Phil “CM Punk” Brooks, who was a very popular professional wrestler somewhere around 5 years ago and left the business for a plethora of reasons I cannot fully get into right now. It is probably easier, for the uninitiated, to go ahead and look up any interviews or videos to which he speaks of his experiences. Long story short, he left to pursue other avenues of entertainment, such as mixed martial arts, writing comic books, and finally acting. Is he any good at any of these? Well, we’ll get into that in a minute.
I, myself, am a very big fan of the professional wrestler formerly known as “CM Punk” and fully commend him on trying out different ventures that interest him. Not very many people, successful nor otherwise, have the balls to do such a thing. I admire that in anyone, not just someone who I am a big fan of. That being said, I am somewhat biased in my opinion of him as an actor, writer, or anything else he attempts, even if it isn’t up to the standards I hold most to. In his defense, I will say that in this film, Phil “CM Punk” Brooks is trying his hardest to harness his inner Bruce Campbell, even bearing his own freshly shaven chin. He wore Mr. Campbell’s Evil Dead garb in the first few scenes as an obvious homage to the actor too.
Now, for the film, The Girl On The Third Floor. The story is a clusterfuck of ideas that seem very incoherent, shot on an obvious shoestring budget (to which I still cannot find an exact budget for at the time of writing this article) that was shot in a home that was in the middle of being remodeled in real life. Mr. Brooks does his best to carry the film, but without any acting chops to fall back on, it seems to be an exercise in futility. What is essentially a character driven film, all of the characters are so haphazardly slapped together that you end up caring little to nothing for them. What does carry this film, however, is the practical effects and gore that won it multiple awards at festivals this year. You better bet that they touted this fact when promoting the film wherever they could.
I won’t go into spoilers because even if I did it wouldn’t make much sense anyways, but the practical effects and camera shots are impressive. There are some very memorable scenes, but taken out of context the viewer is left wondering just what the fuck is happening immediately after seeing it. The ending is atrocious too which I could easily chalk up to the producers running out of money and ideas. My two major gripes in the script, for anyone still reading this far, is: 1. How did they buy a house that obviously has a third floor (thus the title), and 2. What are the motives of any of these characters to do anything they do in this film. Also, two words: Anal beads. If you see this movie, you will know what I mean. The less I say about that, the better.
So, the big question is do I recommend this film? Like I said, it is an obviously low budget movie that spent their load on practical effects which I absolutely adore. Any fan of that aspect in their horror genre, by all means, check it out specifically for that, even though it doesn’t really start picking up until the final half hour. For a 90-minute movie though, that ain’t half bad. For anyone who is not a fan of horror movies and loves a cohesive storyline and good acting, I say stay away. It is definitely a low budget, independent, haunted house of gore galore that refuses to relent as soon as it gets going. It is difficult to say if this movie will bomb or not because it was just released in theaters today, October 30th, 2019, but if I was a betting man, I would say there is a 90% chance that it will. I guess we will find that out together. In the meantime, maybe just go watch Evil Dead 2 again and don’t worry about seeing what this one is all about.
Again. Anal beads.
2 out of 5
3 FROM HELL (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
For my first review on this wondeful, glorious webpage, I chose to write a review on Rob Zombie’s 3 FROM HELL, the third movie in the Firefly Family Trilogy which has just came out on Blue-Ray, October 15th, 2019. It also made enough profit for Fathom Events to re-release it to theaters a second time on this date only, which is odd, but I’ll get into that later.
Now, I have only read the few reviews I could find for this film only because I don’t think anyone except for hardcore Rob Zombie fans would wish to go see it, but none of them were good. I don’t usually jump on bandwagons, so that should say something about this film and how much it sucks. When I realized that this and our other article that we have just put out are both “Zombie” movies, I left an imprint of my forehead permanently etched into the work desk. I can already hear the keyboard warriors in the comment section wondering how this film is a “Zombie” movie, so I will merely direct you to the name of the writer/director’s name. Do you now have the same imprint on your table?
Some harrowing news does accompany this review, however, so you may dismiss it right after this next sentence: I could not watch any more of this movie after 20 minutes. In the world of cinematic critics, I understand this would mean that my review should be disregarded and thrown out with the trash. That being said, you would find my opinion right next to a copy of this movie that had been stepped on, run over, lit on fire, and thrown into the trash heap right next to it.
Considering that I have seen both films that precede this, I am somewhat familiar with the characters, but nothing in any of these films has made me feel anything at all for any of the characters; I do not care about the victims, the Firefly Family themselves, nor any of the cops or innocent human barriers that stand in their way. To me, they might as well be the same as any extras walking by in the background, but they sure as Hell (no pun intended) don’t get paid the same.
I make this post fully aware that Sid Haig has recently passed away at the ripe old age of 80 this September, so I want to make it perfectly clear that in no way do I diminish what an accomplished and profoundly remarkable character actor he was. His prominence was on full blast in his later years highlighted most of all by his portrayal of Captain Spaulding in Rob Zombie’s movies. I take nothing away from the other actors who have worked with the writer/director/producer as well: Danny Trejo, Chris Hardwick, William Forsythe, Rainn Wilson, etc. whom have all had accounts of having improved a good portion of their lines due to lack of script and on set changes. What does make me a little sick to my weak ass stomach is how he flagrantly throws his wife around in his films like a maniacal stripper for the whole world to see and them to screw to at home. It’s not quite porn for the viewer though; it’s more like a softcore snuff film for adolescents.
I could go on and on about the cinematography, the art design, special effects, blah blah blah… But like I said, I only watched 20 minutes of this god-awful movie. So I’ll just stop now and leave you with some of the numbers: With a budget of $3 million (from Hell, apparently), the movie pulled in a measly $2.24 million which most likely barely covered advertisement costs, making this a solid bomb and begs the question as to why entertainment content provider, Fathom Events, would open it again for one night only. In comparison, Devil’s Rejects came in at $19.4 million to a $7 million budget and House Of 1000 Corpses bringing in similar numbers. We can all only hope that this is the final nail in the coffin of this franchise, much less Rob Zombie’s moviemaking career. But, as we all know, some poor idiot will give Rob Zombie more money to make another film despite how hard this one underperformed, so we can unfortunately expect another sequel.
1.5 out of 5