Color Out Of Space (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
"...and over all the rest reigned that riot of luminous amorphousness, that alien and undimensioned rainbow of cryptic poison from the well—seething, feeling, lapping, reaching, scintillating, straining, and malignly bubbling in its cosmic and unrecognisable chromaticism."
"The Colour Out Of Space" by H.P. Lovecraft, March 1927
That's right, this movie is based off one of Lovecraft's finest short stories from nearly a century ago and completely holds up to this day! Whilst I have a tendency to talk about movies that are somewhat campy and silly in a poor attempt at comedy or lampooning certain lackluster films, I felt the need to talk about a movie I truly enjoyed by an author I adore. Enter this 2019 science fiction body horror from director Richard Stanley in his first film outting since the 1996 debacle, The Island Of Dr. Moreau starring a bored Marlon Brando and an incensed Val Kilmer.
The movie was released almost a year ago to the day of Nicolas Cage's film, Mandy, to which it is compared to quite heavily, although in my opinion are very different. Both star Nicolas Cage, are of the cosmic horror genre, & make substantial use of bright, vivid colors. In fact, magenta is used specifically in this movie because of how it is described in the short story as falling outside anything in the range of the visual spectrum. The color magenta, itself, is a construct of our brains to assess red & blue in the color spectrum that no wavelength of light can manufacture, so our brains imagine it as it is not an actual color. Cool, huh?! You learn something new every once in a while here on Villainous Cinema!
Back to the story, the movie is almost exactly like the acclaimed short story, aside from the names, the body horror, the daughter's experimentation with the Necronomicon (also a Lovecraftian device), and Nic Cage's obsession with alpacas that I found peculiar. In the end, it didn't hurt the film in the least bit. Lovecraft's tale is so streamlined and well told that anything Stanley added only made it better. Joely Richardson plays Cage's wife who suffers quite possibly the worst fate in the film (see body horror reference) whom I recognized immediately from another one of my fave movies, Event Horizon. Tommy Chong also makes an appearance as, you guessed it, a stoned hippie. Believe it or not, Elijah Wood was also an executive producer on this film.
Unfortunately, like Mandy, this film made round about the same $1 million against a $6 to $10 million budget, making it a box office failure. Fortunately, however, Stanley's return to directing will be followed up by another Lovecraft adaptation, The Dunwich Horror which I very much look forward to.
This one might not be one to show grandma, but it is a must for any fan of well thought out storytelling from one of the masters. The beautiful scenery and insane body horror doesn't hurt neither. Y'know how much I love that shit.
4 out of 5
HOST (2020)
a review by Evan Landon
We've all been locked away inside for so long, we all want something to break our boredom. We all want something to take our minds off of what is going on. That's what movies are for, right? Well, why don't we make our own horror movies over the same Zoom meetings we use for business and family board games online? Yeah, that will take our minds off of it!
Apparently, this is also how you can do séances and summon spirits, demons, or other worldy beings from beyond the veil. No worries tho; the afterlife also seems to be equipped with the latest version of Microsoft Windows because apparently Vista doesn't have that kind of range.
This type of filmmaking is a new style called "Screen Life” or "Computer Screen Film" or "Desktop Film" which is a sub genre of "Found Footage" that was capitalized on in such classic films as Unfriended, The Den, even Searching (with John Cho) and is a perfect format for this pandemic lockdown the film industry is currently facing. Shit, it is done on such a low budget, I'm even thinking about making one of my own. The new craze is here, dammit, & you're gonna watch!
All joking aside, this is an ambitious take on making movies since no one can really be in the same room together, much less share a stage of any kind. All of the actors even give their own names as characters, so they were definitely chiming in with their own ideas. One of the girls is even listed as a writer. The director said that he edited the whole thing down in his bathrobe. Now, that makes it interesting, even relatable or comedic, but does it make it good? The answer is: not really.
I won't go spoiling anything for you, but if you decide to watch this movie, I'm sure you know what you have in store for you. Jump scares are prominent, but character development, background, or arc are not. I like to feel what a character's intent or history is to feel somewhat related to the characters, y'know, so I can give a shit about them. But nah, not this one.
The plot? During the virus lockdown, a bunch of friends have a séance over a zoom meeting and unleash something in each person's living quarters. That's it. Nothing else to report without spoiling the entire movie, but seriously, you already know what happens to these idiots.
The good news is this is one of the only movies released in 2020, so it will probably clean up in every category in the Academy Awards. The bad news is there will probably be multiple sequels because of how well it was received garnering high praise from critics with an aggregate score of 6.7/10 on IMDb, but I'm pretty sure that is just because of how starved we all are for content of ANY kind.
1.5 out of 5
I Was A Teenage Wereskunk (2016)
a review by Evan Landon
When I first started Villainous Cinema a few years ago, it was mostly because of my love for spoofing bad movies. Podcasts like How Did This Get Made? & tv shows like Mystery Science Theater 3000 were huge in my decision to talk about B-movies, cult classics, & VHS trash. Speaking of MST3K, this one is a blatant satire of I Was a Teenage Werewolf starring Michael Landon (not my dad) and was featured on one of their earlier episodes. Sometimes, when these poorly made movies are made, they were made poorly on purpose. Movies like Velocipastor, Inhumanwich!, Return To Blood Fart Lake, & the entire Sharknado series are examples of these. Some of these movies are fun, even humorous. This is one is not.
Obviously, this movie was made as one of those farcical horror comedy movies, but it severely missed the mark with me. Apparently, it did not miss the mark with all of the critics, as it holds a 6.6 out of 10 on IMDB. I rarely pay attention to the critics, but I still do find that very funny; definitely funnier than this movie.
There are movies that are made terribly to be funny and movies made to be funny that are just terrible. This one is the latter.
The acting is deplorable and not just because of the terrible dialogue intended to resemble the candor and hip language of the sixties. I could try to recreate it or even quote some of it, but I cannot find any online and I don't think I will ever want to remember it, to be perfectly honest with you. The only part I thought was sort of interesting was when the hip beatnik guy with the beret introduces the protagonist to Charles Manson. Also, before they have an inane musical number in a diner, '”Cock & Balls” for ten cents is clearly on the menu. Besides that, nothing too memorable to even write about.
Anyone that follows Villainous Cinema should know how I feel about make up, gore, and special effects, so I'll just stop here.
Writer and director Neal McLoughlin released this pile of garbage in 2016 on a budget of $82,000 and made around $2 million on it, so it is considered a success.
If you don't want to take my advice or you just have an hour & a half of time to waste not laughing, go ahead and check this one out on Prime this month. If not, I don't blame you.
0.5 out of 5
He Never Died (2015)
a review by Evan Landon
This one is gonna sound a lot like my review of Girl On The Third Floor because much like CM Punk, I absolutely love Henry Rollins and in my eyes - the man can do no wrong! I remember the first movie I saw him in was a science fiction thriller called Johnny Mnemonic that starred Keanu Reeves, Ice T, Dina Meyer, Takeshi Kitano, Udo Kier, & Dolph Lungren( in his final role for 15 years until 2010's The Expendables). Henry Rollins, however, went on to do some more acting in movies like Heat alongside Robert DeNiro & Al Pacino, David Lynch's Lost Highway, & Villainous Cinema's very own 13th podcast episode of FEAST. He actually did an entire spoken word tour that was incredible, so you should check that out when you get a chance because it was fantastic. Rollins was also the lead singer of The Rollins Band (such generic name) and some Hot Topic t-shirt band called Black Flag..? Jk.
Anyways, I will admit that this movie was very confusing. There is a guy who brings him blood to drink, but you never really find out whom this kid is. I think the actor's name is “BooBoo” & that is the extent of what I know about this person who is second billed, but in the movie for like 5 minutes. Then, you are introduced to a woman at the local cafe, to whom has a crush on Black Flag so hard, she does everything but not get a tattoo on her neck. Then his daughter shows up, who is more of a plot device than a character, & asks him where he has been her entire life until she is kidnapped by people who want to exploit his immortality through cannibalism. Like.. he is cannot die because he eats people.
Now, this sounds like a badass movie, right? Ehhhhh..
I hate to say it, but this amazing premise with Henry Rollins at the helm churns out a very lackluster feature length film. The dialogue is droll, the characters are undeveloped, and the story drags on with scenes that sometimes feel like they have no end. Some characters even disappear & reappear in the very next scene, but it's not important enough to even really notice because none of them are established, have an arc, nor are even memorable. Even the main antagonist is maybe on screen for a total of 15 minutes, most of it is his final monologue and death scene.
I will give this movie that though: the death scenes can be fun and imaginitave, even though I feel like they could have been a little bit more gruesome. I really gotta stop saying that in every review...
Anyways, nothing reputable about the script, acting, or storytelling. The audio, lighting, cinematography, action, & death scenes are purdy awesome considering the budget. I guess watch it for that, plus an intense, monosyllabic performance from one of the greatest wordsmiths of our age. Plus, he eats people, throws them off buildings, thru windows, and plays bingo.
2.5 out of 5
The Old Guard (2020)
a review by Evan Landon
When my mom (yes, the very same Dinah Walker from the Villainous Cinema podcasts) said I should stay up after work & watch this 2020 action film based off of the 2017 comic book by DC comics writer, Greg Rucka, & Argentinean artist, Leandro Fernández, I was a bit skeptical. Mostly because I had not heard hide nor hair of this film, it's production, any trailers, etc. It was also dumped to Netflix after this entire lockdown of the planet occured, so ya cannot really blame the movie for not overhyping the project. Perhaps, that works in it's favour.
The film is a very sharp look at what we see “comic book heroes” to be these days; some of these characters are a little outrageous, but also very interesting. The main character, Andromache (...or Andy) of Scythia (Charlize Theron), is an immortal warrior over a thousand years old & put together a team of 3 other immortal mercenaries (Booker, Joe, & Nicky) after witnessing her partner in crime of over hundred of years be dropped into the ocean in an iron maiden. They find a new immortal soldier to fill their ranks after being caught in a CIA/Big Pharma trap to exploit the secret in their immortality. I won't spoil too much more, but that is just the tip of the iceberg here.
Something incredibly refreshing about this film is how diverse the characters are from your average action comic book adaptation are. There are a lot of shoutouts to the LGBT movement and women empowerment that is unfortunately absent for the most part in most Marvel and DC comic films (a handful withstanding, of course), yet this one pulls it off unapologetically thanks to the great screenplay by the writer (which is prob the most essential part to a story) and the direction of Gina Prince-Bythewood. Think what you want about any of that, but it does add to a compelling story to which I did enjoy.
The action sequences are also top-notch, leaving the viewer with the same satisfaction as a “John Wick-style” movie, all the while making its own style as a comic book genre superhero flick. When making an action film, all you have to do is a few things in the story and this one accomplishes all of them. The characters are also very strong, although there may be too many of them to literally fit into a two hour frame. But you cannot do that, right? I don't know.
3 out of 5
KNiVES OUT (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
Ever seen Clue? It had that one guy from Spinal Tap, the old It Pennywise guy, and the chick from Young Frankenstein is in it too. It is a classic. It really is not what we base our whole Who-Dun-Its around these days, I am sure of that. At least not here. We model a take on what a good mystery is these days. No? Maybe, we should get the local theater crew to work out a few scenes and they could do a better job than this one.
Simplistic work by Daniel Craig & the rest of the cast, by the way. You completely forget James Bond can pull off Foghorn Leghorn for a few hours. Chris Evans pulls off a mundane task as an entitled prick who shows up halfway through. I mean, he was phoning this one in, but he knows how to flawlessly pull that character off, for whatever reason. Toni Collette kills it, as does Don Johnson (who I really felt got the shaft for some awesome scenes). The kid from It: Part One gets the weirdest casting as a teenage Nazi sympathizer because whatever happened to that subplot? Jamie Lee Curtis does a mediocre job as well. Christopher Plummer is probably the best out of all of them, but he is hardly in this dreck.
I don't wanna give up the ghost this far into a review, but you get the killer in the first act. BAM! Then, you get to figure out how much all these “Blue Blood Eat Their Youngest” and realize that this is not a murder mystery anymore. This script lets you know it right off the bat, so there really is nothing to figure out.
What a drab script from Rian (I-killed-the-Star-Wars-franchise-oh-wait-it-was-alreads-dead-with-'The Last Jedi') Johnson. We love you, Rian. Don't ever change. Great work on trying to rekindle the Who-Dun-Its that were so popular like a century ago, but this fell flatter than Nebraska for me. I have never wanted to throw the remote at my television anymore than when watching this filth in years.
Anyways, this movie was a critical darling because of it's views on “class warfare” and “racism”, plus it brought in $312.9 million against a $40 million budget, so it definitely does not need a leg up from your's truly. If somebody gave me money to write a stellar review for this, I would probably burn it in front of them and thank them for the reach around.
2 out of 5
The Lighthouse (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
I wanted to watch this one for a really long time! I was not disappointed, at all. What a gem!
Let me give ya the rundown, right off the bat: 2 light keepers are sent to an island. It's prob turn of the 20th century & possibly off the coast of Massachusetts because of an amazing job w/ his “Bahstahn” accent by Robert Pattinson. What a delight, by the way. I would have totally shit on this movie with no problem just because Edward Cullen was a main character. But man... Do I love being absolutely wrong sometimes! What else...? Oh yes. An award-winning performance from Willem Dafoe. Remember him?! Also, Award-winning performances all around, from direction, to writing, to cinematography.. Amazing work here by the writer/producer/director Robert Eggers who wrote this with his brother, Max Eggers. Really great work when brothers work together, right?
Anyways, the entire movie is shot in black and white which is an extremely bold choice for any movie, much less with the studios and actors attached. The cinematography and writing find ways around this, which gives it that edgy, indie-darling sorta vibe that “hipster film fucks like me find so amazing”, but I digress. What a lot of directors do, is they forget the audience. This is not that movie.
This is easily a stage play. Plain and simple. You could literally put these two assholes anywhere and would kill it. The dialogue, the grit, uggggh.. Should this director win more awards since 2020 fuckin decided to leave us all high & dry? Yes. Should I be paid for these shills? Absolutely.
...or maybe it's the shrooms I ate. Idk.
5 out of 5
BLOODSHOT (2020)
a review by Evan Landon
The latest movie I saw in theater since this whole quarantine epidemic was the newest Vin Diesel led franchise based off of a comic book, Bloodshot. While it’s not the usual b-movie, slapstick, body horror spectacle you guys are used to me reviewing, I do enjoy a good comic book movie every once in a while. Whilst criminally panned by critics (which usually sends me straight to watch it), this new wannabe franchise is pretty enthralling.
Doing my usual amount of above average sleuthing, I came across the Valiant Comics that the movie originally came from. If you know anything about me, I love me some comic books! I read the first volume in about an hour and still want more. Aside from the character’s real name being different than the one in the movie, it stays pretty consistent with the character Vin Diesel portrays. I don’t think it makes much of a difference if the character’s name is Angelo Mortalli or Ray Garrison, but the former definitely sounds more badass and like any Vin Diesel character ever. I wonder what made him change it because that definitely sounds like a classic Vinnie move for creative control, but I am merely speculating at this point.
The story follows a soldier who is killed after he and his wife are hunted down by an amazing Toby Kebbell who once again steals the show, even though I thought his character should have been extended more. He is brought back as the first dead soldier brought back to life by the company RST (Rising Spirit Tech) through nanotechnology. With this technology, CEO Dr. Emil Harting (Emmanuel Kuretich in the comics. Much better, again, right?) has a slew of other soldiers with synthetic eyes, legs, and lungs. These players have almost little or nothing to do with the real story, except for Dr. Harting (played by an always fantastic Guy Pearce) who turns out to be imprinting memories of Bloodshot’s death to utilize him as an assassin. He actually sees a different killer that shot him and his wife every different time.
I don’t want to spoil too much, but the nanotechnology that keeps him regenerating effect are pretty awesome and way different spectacle than what we have seen with Deadpool or Wolverine in the Marvel films which makes this comic book film stand apart. Even though Vin Diesel always plays Vin Diesel in every Vin Diesel movie, I feel like he did an alright job. Being surrounded by some pretty decent actors didn’t hurt neither.
2 out of 5
The Dead Don’t Die (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
If you told me the premise of The Dead Don’t Die before I even saw it, I would tell you that sounds like my kind of movie. If you went on to tell me who all was in it and what the filmmakers had done before it, I would tell you the same again. If you showed me a trailer of The Dead Don’t Die and a few scenes here or there, again I would say “that sounds like my kind of movie!” Unfortunately, for me, it was not.
Even in my own head, I tallied everything up and it stayed consistent that this would totally be the movie of the year for me. It checked every single box: self-aware, tongue-in-cheek, zombie movie parody starring an A-List of talent headed by the great and magnificent Bill Murray. It even had a modest, indie budget, written and directed by a highly acclaimed, up and coming filmmaker. For some reason, however, all of this fell very flat to me.
The film opens with our heroes, Officers Robertson & Peterson (played by Bill Murray and Adam Driver, respectfully) taking care of the mundane occurrences in the small town of Centerville, USA. The usual rigamarole of getting to know the townsfolk going through their daily routines is cliché enough to overlook somewhat, but a few strange characters enter the fray. Tilda Swinton plays a very eccentric mortician from Scotland who wields a katana and has a very interesting character twist at the end. Tom Waits portrays the homeless drifter on the edge of town that Robertson & Peterson let shoot at them from the forest, for some reason, and serves as a narrator of sorts. Steve Buscemi and Danny Glover also make appearances as clueless townsfolk who don’t add much to the story except fodder for the zombies. It certainly is a waste of two such fine actors, but not much else to be expected in a movie like this. In fact, Officer Morrison (played by an uninspired Chloe Sevigny) is more quizzical than afraid which downplays most of what happens, or should I say what doesn't happen.
All in all, this slow moving zombie flick falls just short of hitting the mark in every way for me which sucks because I really wanted to like this movie. Oh well. Maybe I'll change my mind after another viewing.
2 out of 5
DOCTOR SLEEP (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
I was a bit hesitant to write on this film, at first, because I am a huge fan of the book written by Stephen King in 2013. I am also a huge fan both the 1980 film, The Shining, as well as the 1977 book the same name. In that regard, I did not want it to seem like I was being any sort of biased in celebrating or completely flogging this movie, which is always more likely. But alas, this movie was great! It competently tied all three together to tell a story that is not only comprehensible in telling all three stories and adapting the fourth one seamlessly, but could even stand on its own in the annals of Hollywood films. Unfortunately, at the time of writing this article, the moviegoing audience did not agree.
The story opens much the same as the book with Danny and his mother mentally reeling from the events of The Shining somewhere in Florida not too long after. Doesn’t really matter where in Florida because all of Florida sucks swamp water. After an episode with the crazy naked ghost lady from Overlook Hotel Room 237 (Room 217 in the book) who absolutely loves taking baths, he is visited by his old friend, Dick Halloran. What is pretty cool about how the story is wound together with both the movie and the book is how Halloran was killed in the 1980 The Shining movie, but not the 1977 The Shining novel, and how the director is able to make it somewhat ambiguous on if the character is deceased or not.
Director Mike Flanagan brings his ghostly storytelling expertise to the forefront coming fresh off the 2018 Netflix sensation, House on Haunted Hill utilizing a great mix of camera shots and effects to immerse the viewer in very different universe almost flawlessly. His attention to detail is well apparent too within the confines of the movie allowing the audience to trust the integrity of each shot enough to let the eye wander exactly to where the director wants it to. The dreamscapes and psychic trances are done masterfully, as well as the deaths of the members of the True Knot.
Is it safe to say that Ewan MacGregor is one of the finest actors of our time? Ever since his debut in Trainspotting some 20 odd years ago, he has done nothing but kill it every single time. He was also Obi-Wan Kenobi, so chew on that for a second. Although he is the only A-List actor in this film, the rest of the cast deliver top bill performances as well. Rebecca Ferguson gives a haunting performance as the menacing leader of the True Knot, Rose the Hat, whose character is considered to be the most beautiful of all time, but hides the maniacal elements of a monster taken almost word for word from the book. Kyleigh Curran’s also steals the show as the young Abra, a child with a shining even more powerful than Danny’s or Rose the Hat’s and becomes Danny’s redemption. Also, Carl Lumbly’s portrayal of Dick Halloran is so on point, I was not sure at some points if it wasn’t Scatman Crothers’s ghost coming back to play the specter himself!
Some things differ from the 2013 novel of Doctor Sleep, but nothing that would take away from the story. There were some things here and there that I had to fact check, but anything that differed from the book has the whole intention of making a cohesive story that feathers in pieces of the original predecessor’s book and movie. For instance, the battle scenes between the True Knot and their quarry take place at different parts of the story and contain different outcomes, but are given enough room to breathe life into the story on their own. I won’t even get into the ending too much, as it would contain huge spoilers, but it does differ enough from the book to again tie all of the stories from the cinematic universe to the novels in a very tasteful way and should be applauded for doing so.
As far as the horror element goes, there isn’t much to make it anything stronger than a PG-13 rating, so there is a lot of gore and nudity missing from this film. That being said, the scares are more akin to that of The Conjuring or Insidious series, but the visual artistry is concise enough to leave images that will stick with you long after the movie. As the book itself had some horror aspects to it, it was really more of the story of Danny’s recovery and redemption than anything else, so the fact that they didn’t go crazy in that department is well and fine by me, but I think every movie could use more gore and nudity, of course.
The overall critical reception of this movie was good, almost the same as mine, but that did not translate into box office sales, unfortunately. It opened in the U.S, on November 8th, 2019 bowing to the Roland Emmerich historical war film, Midway, opening with a paltry $5 million versus a $55 million budget making it a huge disappointment for Warner Bros Studios. It finished up its box office run on December 10th, 2019 with a final income of $69.8 million leaving everyone a little worried if Stephen King’s moviegoing popularity is waning, but I will say this for certainty – his movies have always been hit or miss. Some become classics like The Shining, Carrie, or The Green Mile while some completely miss the mark and are almost immediately forgotten like Sleepwalkers, Thinner, or Dreamcatcher. The less said about those, the better. The name Stephen King will always be bankable even if he has a few duds along the way. It is a shame that this one fell into that category though.
3.5 out of 5
Girl On The Third Floor (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
Okay…
Let me first start off by stating this: I am a huge fan of professional wrestling. I am also a huge fan of horror If that does not send you running to the hills and not hearing my opinion about this movie for those reasons alone and you are still here, I think you might have a clue about why I wish to speak on this film.
This movie stars a Phil “CM Punk” Brooks, who was a very popular professional wrestler somewhere around 5 years ago and left the business for a plethora of reasons I cannot fully get into right now. It is probably easier, for the uninitiated, to go ahead and look up any interviews or videos to which he speaks of his experiences. Long story short, he left to pursue other avenues of entertainment, such as mixed martial arts, writing comic books, and finally acting. Is he any good at any of these? Well, we’ll get into that in a minute.
I, myself, am a very big fan of the professional wrestler formerly known as “CM Punk” and fully commend him on trying out different ventures that interest him. Not very many people, successful nor otherwise, have the balls to do such a thing. I admire that in anyone, not just someone who I am a big fan of. That being said, I am somewhat biased in my opinion of him as an actor, writer, or anything else he attempts, even if it isn’t up to the standards I hold most to. In his defense, I will say that in this film, Phil “CM Punk” Brooks is trying his hardest to harness his inner Bruce Campbell, even bearing his own freshly shaven chin. He wore Mr. Campbell’s Evil Dead garb in the first few scenes as an obvious homage to the actor too.
Now, for the film, The Girl On The Third Floor. The story is a clusterfuck of ideas that seem very incoherent, shot on an obvious shoestring budget (to which I still cannot find an exact budget for at the time of writing this article) that was shot in a home that was in the middle of being remodeled in real life. Mr. Brooks does his best to carry the film, but without any acting chops to fall back on, it seems to be an exercise in futility. What is essentially a character driven film, all of the characters are so haphazardly slapped together that you end up caring little to nothing for them. What does carry this film, however, is the practical effects and gore that won it multiple awards at festivals this year. You better bet that they touted this fact when promoting the film wherever they could.
I won’t go into spoilers because even if I did it wouldn’t make much sense anyways, but the practical effects and camera shots are impressive. There are some very memorable scenes, but taken out of context the viewer is left wondering just what the fuck is happening immediately after seeing it. The ending is atrocious too which I could easily chalk up to the producers running out of money and ideas. My two major gripes in the script, for anyone still reading this far, is: 1. How did they buy a house that obviously has a third floor (thus the title), and 2. What are the motives of any of these characters to do anything they do in this film. Also, two words: Anal beads. If you see this movie, you will know what I mean. The less I say about that, the better.
So, the big question is do I recommend this film? Like I said, it is an obviously low budget movie that spent their load on practical effects which I absolutely adore. Any fan of that aspect in their horror genre, by all means, check it out specifically for that, even though it doesn’t really start picking up until the final half hour. For a 90-minute movie though, that ain’t half bad. For anyone who is not a fan of horror movies and loves a cohesive storyline and good acting, I say stay away. It is definitely a low budget, independent, haunted house of gore galore that refuses to relent as soon as it gets going. It is difficult to say if this movie will bomb or not because it was just released in theaters today, October 30th, 2019, but if I was a betting man, I would say there is a 90% chance that it will. I guess we will find that out together. In the meantime, maybe just go watch Evil Dead 2 again and don’t worry about seeing what this one is all about.
Again. Anal beads.
2 out of 5
3 FROM HELL (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
For my first review on this wondeful, glorious webpage, I chose to write a review on Rob Zombie’s 3 FROM HELL, the third movie in the Firefly Family Trilogy which has just came out on Blue-Ray, October 15th, 2019. It also made enough profit for Fathom Events to re-release it to theaters a second time on this date only, which is odd, but I’ll get into that later.
Now, I have only read the few reviews I could find for this film only because I don’t think anyone except for hardcore Rob Zombie fans would wish to go see it, but none of them were good. I don’t usually jump on bandwagons, so that should say something about this film and how much it sucks. When I realized that this and our other article that we have just put out are both “Zombie” movies, I left an imprint of my forehead permanently etched into the work desk. I can already hear the keyboard warriors in the comment section wondering how this film is a “Zombie” movie, so I will merely direct you to the name of the writer/director’s name. Do you now have the same imprint on your table?
Some harrowing news does accompany this review, however, so you may dismiss it right after this next sentence: I could not watch any more of this movie after 20 minutes. In the world of cinematic critics, I understand this would mean that my review should be disregarded and thrown out with the trash. That being said, you would find my opinion right next to a copy of this movie that had been stepped on, run over, lit on fire, and thrown into the trash heap right next to it.
Considering that I have seen both films that precede this, I am somewhat familiar with the characters, but nothing in any of these films has made me feel anything at all for any of the characters; I do not care about the victims, the Firefly Family themselves, nor any of the cops or innocent human barriers that stand in their way. To me, they might as well be the same as any extras walking by in the background, but they sure as Hell (no pun intended) don’t get paid the same.
I make this post fully aware that Sid Haig has recently passed away at the ripe old age of 80 this September, so I want to make it perfectly clear that in no way do I diminish what an accomplished and profoundly remarkable character actor he was. His prominence was on full blast in his later years highlighted most of all by his portrayal of Captain Spaulding in Rob Zombie’s movies. I take nothing away from the other actors who have worked with the writer/director/producer as well: Danny Trejo, Chris Hardwick, William Forsythe, Rainn Wilson, etc. whom have all had accounts of having improved a good portion of their lines due to lack of script and on set changes. What does make me a little sick to my weak ass stomach is how he flagrantly throws his wife around in his films like a maniacal stripper for the whole world to see and them to screw to at home. It’s not quite porn for the viewer though; it’s more like a softcore snuff film for adolescents.
I could go on and on about the cinematography, the art design, special effects, blah blah blah… But like I said, I only watched 20 minutes of this god-awful movie. So I’ll just stop now and leave you with some of the numbers: With a budget of $3 million (from Hell, apparently), the movie pulled in a measly $2.24 million which most likely barely covered advertisement costs, making this a solid bomb and begs the question as to why entertainment content provider, Fathom Events, would open it again for one night only. In comparison, Devil’s Rejects came in at $19.4 million to a $7 million budget and House Of 1000 Corpses bringing in similar numbers. We can all only hope that this is the final nail in the coffin of this franchise, much less Rob Zombie’s moviemaking career. But, as we all know, some poor idiot will give Rob Zombie more money to make another film despite how hard this one underperformed, so we can unfortunately expect another sequel.
1.5 out of 5