SHEENA (1984)
a review by Evan Landon
I know what you all are thinking: topless Tanya Roberts in her “Hey Day” running around in the African jungles of Kenya, being chased by arm militia, yet protected by random African lions, tigers, rhino, zebras, & caribou is totes the sort of movie that would be on my radar. The answer is “YOU ARE CORRECT, SIR!”
Look, I am going to be completely honest with you. I did not watch this movie. I just wanted to write something. As long as we are being honest, I did not feel like I needed to ever to turn on closed captioning or even raise the volume. Apparently, it was a huge box office bomb pulling in 5 million against a 25 million dollar budget. But you get to see real African animals & then Tanya Roberts gets naked & bathes.
Additional: The credits is about 5 minutes of Tanya Roberts barebacking a zebra. Yup.
1 out of 5
DRIVE (2011)
a review by Evan Landon
I have not written an article in a while, so I thought I would start with the greatest Ryan Gosling movie made (so far). That's right, La La Land! Just kidding, could you imagine me reviewing that piece of shit?! Sorry, that award-winning piece of shit..?! Not yet. Just kidding, I never saw it. Will I ever see it? Nope.
The movie I am speaking of is the 2011 Nicolas Winding Refn vehicle (no pun intended), “Drive” which stars that very same actor, add Bryan Cranston, Ron Perlman, Oscar Isaac, & by far my favorite Albert Brooks performance outside of The Simpsons. Not many people know this, but it was adapted from a novel written by a science fiction writer from Arkansas named James Sallis in 2005. That's right, you can actually learn some interesting facts to accompany my weighted snark here in Villainous Cinema!
Where was I..? Oh yeah.
When I first heard of this movie, I was living in Gainesville and one of the cooks would not shut the fuck up about it. Y'know when people do that, you tend to not want to even see it. Kind of like people who watched Breaking Bad when that was a thing; it's almost like in order to watch it, you have to sign an agreement that you will tell every single fucking person you meet about it. Hey, Bryan Cranston was in that too!
It was played at Cannes Film Festival, Refn received a Best Director Award, blah blah blah, etc... Who the fuck cares? It's an awesome movie. Who would have guessed that the sniveling dickhead from The Notebook could be a Steve McQueen-esque badass?! I mean, I know I didn't. I think the silver scorpion jacket he wears is supposed to be an homage to McQueen, but do not quote me on that.
The soundtrack is pretty dope too, not a very common thing in many movies. I think the last one I really liked was from Tron: Legacy, and that was all Daft Punk. This one has a great song that bookends this called “A Real Hero” by College & Electric Youth. Check it out, when you get the chance.
There is something kind of funny about this one too: a woman actually sued the production company for a misleading trailer. Apparently, she thought she was going to see a Fast & Furious-style movie. I think I would probably sue anyone who tried to make watch one of those movies tbh..
Anyways, Drive is awesome. It cleaned up at the box office, pulling in 81 million against a 15 million dollar budget. I would give it 5 stars, but that one guy at my old job wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.
4.5 out of 5
Scott Pilgrim vs The World (2010)
an review by Evan Landon
I'm not gonna lie; I honestly hated this movie when it came out. It was too cliché and a bit derivative because “WHAT IS THIS DUDE'S PROB??!”
I mean, he is completely hapless, has an oriental girl his own age, he is Michael Cera living on a mattress with a gay Kieran Culkin (who immediately kicks him out as soon as he gets some lovin), & falls for a scenester chick who hates him & has a lotta baggage?! Idk. Then he has to defeat all of her “evil ex’s”.
Let us count the “The Ex-BF Guild” who in turn gets F’d in the B (a line from the movie itself)-
pirate flippy guy
not Superman
vegan Captain America
bi-furious
Chinese Twins...?
the other Chinese twin
MAIN BOSS: Jason Schwartzman. Fucking Rushmore is your final boss. How can you even hate him?!
I honestly stopped caring as soon as I realized KNIVES was the real hero here & you cannot tell me otherwise (also, Ellen Wong, I <3 you hmu ;). Somewhat unknowns at the time Anna Kendrick & Aubrey Plaza also round out an awesome supporting cast, so that is a plus! This was before Edgar Wright got huge, so it is sort of nice to see some of his earlier shit. The effects hold up tho.
2.5 out of 5
Gretel & Hansel (2020)
a review by Evan Landon
I haven't done an article in a while, but since my 31 nights of Halloween movie cuts had such a great reception, I figured Fuck It! Let's roll with a weekly version of it. That being said, I would love any and all recommendations any of you guys have in the comments section below.
Let's start off with a movie I missed last year called, Gretel & Hansel”, which sounds like “Hansel & Gretel” in which it is, but isn't. Let m explain... or not. I think it is inherent in the title how this one works, but it does it incredibly well. I don't think twisting the narrative to make a story work is conducive to trying to make a protagonist out of a rival, but this actually speaks to the witch's dark past.
Q: Was she burnt up because she ate children?
A: Well, yes.
Q: Was she a witch that ate children?
A: Duhr.
I don't know if'n they'll ever make a costume for “Holda the Witch” next year at your faves Halloween store, but I doubt they'll ever get the Alice Krige version which is insanely cool! I saw some witch gear this year that looked like complete shit and I doubt anybody could actually pull it off the way she did, but I will give a lot of credit to the special & visual effects artists that made this bad boy happen, not to mention the cinematography by Galo Olivares that wins the pony on this one.
Here is a quick synopsis: Gretel has a brother named Hansel and are deemed a nuisance by town folk, then run into the forests are led to a witch lodged deepened into the wilderness because she was, yes, in fact, a witch. She deliberately eats children. There is a subplot to where Gretel is, in fact, the rightful heir to her throne, but she denounces it and saves her brother. I mean, it is okay because it takes a new light on many things that we could not have been privy to, but really just tells the same story. It's a short game for anyone who wanted Gretel to be before Hansel, but it's a little more than that.
This is a movie that reminds us that these are “Fairy Tales” and they do not need a woke concept. It's a movie coming from a different perspective that we can all wrap our head around, even if it is something we have heard over and over and over again because, believe it or not, this story has been around a long ass time & it has no merits for exclusivity, unless you account for that old witch soliciting candy for children to eat, unsuspectingly. Yeah, THEN SHE EATS THEM! Take note of that.
Great special effects & cinematography! Shout out to Fred Berger and the rest of the writers on this because it is awesomeness. Loved this.
3.5 out of 5
DREDD (2012)
a review by Evan Landon
I think I remember the first Judge Dredd movie starring Sylvester Stallone. It had Rob Schneider in it too, right? I know I saw it, but my memory of everything that happens in the movie is as forgotten as anything that happened in The Transformers movies. Maybe I will go back and watch that one again, maybe write an article or do a podcast. Then again, maybe I won't. I don't know. I do remember that it did suck. That is not the movie we are talking about though.
The movie I am speaking of is a 2012 dystopian action film written by Alex Garland (of Ex Machina & Annihilation fame) and directed by Pete Travis. The original comic strip appeared in the 1977 British periodical “2000AD” which not only launched the career of its creators, but those of acclaimed graphic novelists, Garth Ennis and Warren Ellis. Remember them? Those two fuckers gave birth to such amazing stories, such as Preacher & The Watchmen. Judge Dredd creator, John Wagner, was also on set as a consultant.
Dredd comes at you hard and fast. I dig that. Some movies fuck around with useless exposition and character building, but Dredd gives you no time for that. You are immediately introduced to Karl Urban's new and improved version who is as unapologetic as this script.
Let's get to some FACTS:
Numero Uno: Sly used his Hollywood swag to take over another person's intellectual property for his own efforts.
Numero Dos: We get a second movie that has nothing to do w/ said Sly's film, is that we get a true version of Judge Dredd: a walking, talking version of the acclaimed comic series.
Numero Trio: “I AM THE LAW!”
This is something that happens incredibly subtly, but also consciously without the help of CGI, major corporations resurgences, or even psychic mediums. There is definitely a future that we do not want to understand, but that is our availability as people to band together?
Dredd is a lot like a video game from the 80's where you have to defeat every single boss on your way to the top to achieve a goal. Welp... the only goal here is throwing Cersei Lannister out of a high rise window after she smoked a shitload of crack.
Making $41.5 million against a $45 million budget, unfortunately this one bombed hard enough for them to abandon any possibility of a sequel, but even Karl Urban holds onto hope that they may still be able to get one together some 15 years later. We will just have to wait and see about that.
4 out of 5
PG: Psycho Goreman (2020)
a review by Saralyn Fumiko
PG: Psycho Goreman, a film with an 80’s vibe released in 2020 that has it all: a child who gives zero f*cks, her pushover brother, and resentful parents brought together by alien templars in their attempt to eliminate the Archduke of Nightmares. Oh, and we can’t forget about all the cheesy montages and of course, Crazy Ball, the homemade backyard game that starts it all.
After Mimi, our main character who is a bossy pre-teen girl, wins a game of Crazy Ball against her brother Luke, they happen across a glowing gem while Luke is digging his own grave. (Also, quick shoutout to Luke’s mad digging skills – call him should you ever need to bury a body quickly, or perhaps want to install a swimming pool in your backyard and aren’t against child labor.) The children are then called in to bed and ask their parents if monsters are real. We get a real taste of Mimi’s personality when she asks her parents to make sure any monsters kill her brother first.
Little did they know, the removal of the glowing gem from Luke’s grave would resurrect an alien beast from the planet Gigax, who later introduces himself as The Archduke of Nightmares. Mr. Nightmares climbs out of Luke’s not-so-shallow grave and wanders out of their backyard, through the woods, and into an abandoned shoe factory where he promptly rips the head off of, implodes, and petrifies three thieves who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.
The next day Mimi and Luke follow the footsteps from the hole in their yard through the woods and into the shoe factory where they find the alien monster supervillain and the kids quickly realize that they can control The Archduke of Nightmares with the glowing rock/amulet in Mimi’s possession. Upon this realization, Mimi decides to rename the Archduke something more fun, more hip, more now and with a wow factor. She settles on Psycho Goreman, PG for short, and orders him to wait for her return.
Meanwhile, The Templars of the Planetary Alliance, a solid mashup of knockoff familiar creatures like the Martians from Mars Attacks and an Angelina Jolie power ranger angel bot named Pandora, somewhere in space have come together to plan how to stop PG. Pandora elects herself to travel to earth and summons a human to their command station, squishes her into a meat cube, consumes said meat cube and then takes the form of the human girl.
The siblings introduce their school friend Alastair to PG, who Mimi has a crush on. Later, Mimi brings PG home for help as she is upset that the boys play video games instead of playing basketball with her. She asks that PG make Alastair want to play basketball with her forever, and he warns that his dark magic can go wrong sometimes and proceeds to follow his orders and turns Alastair into a giant brain with googly eyes and arms. While Luke and Mimi’s parents (Greg and Susan) are busy arguing who will clean the microwave after dad makes a wholesome family meal in it, they witness Alastairs transformation and reluctantly accept PG into their family.
The children, including giant brain and PG, are trying to play Crazy Ball when two police officers arrive. One escapes, and the other is seemingly turned inside-out with his gun still in hand by PG. They start walking through the woods like most normal kids and aliens do and are greeted by a group of different alien species called the Paladins from Gigax where PG once ruled. A fight scene ensues that ultimately PG reins triumphant, but not without injury, after receiving permission from Mimi to fight back that is. A gravely injured PG comes to Greg in a vision while Greg is on the porcelain throne summoning him to come get him and the children from the woods in a hilarious scene. Greg obeys and returns home with the group where they find Pandora and Susan waiting for them. Susan wants to wash her hands of all of it, while Greg appeases his daughter and drives to the old, abandoned shoe factory with Mimi and PG.
Pandora and a now armored warrior Susan arrive to the shoe factory where another fight scene breaks out. PG convinces Mimi to give him the amulet, claiming that is the only way he will heal. She agrees after he promises not to hurt her or her family, and then realizes that Luke had stolen it from her. Luke and Mimi fight over the amulet while Susan and Greg fight over their marriage while PG fights for his life.
It is decided that Mimi can choose the battle in accordance with the Templar Code, and of course, she chooses to settle their differences in a wholesome match of Crazy Ball. After Mimi wins (again) Pandora attacks her, and Susan’s motherly instincts kick in as she comes to Mimi’s rescue. Pandora tells Susan that she is not worthy and reverts her back to her human form. Then, like most families who have just reconciled, they break into song and the gem is returned to PG who heals and gives Pandora an honorable death by unhinging his jaw and eating her whole.
A now gentle and kindhearted PG who is softened by witnessing the love of a family returns the amulet to Mimi and promises not to hurt them as he bids them farewell and continues on to fulfill his goal of destroying the galaxy, starting with their town. In a post credit scene, we see Alastairs parents calling him for dinner and he takes his seat at the dinner table as a giant brain, going unnoticed by his parents.
TEETH (2007)
a review by Sarah Fumiko
As the late Roger Ebert wrote in 1992, “if you pay attention to the movies they will tell you what people desire and fear in their deepest secrets[…]”. This rings true scene for scene in the visual masterpiece, “Teeth”, released in 2008 and directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein.
Teeth begins with a mysterious shot of a nuclear power plant and is revisited throughout the film with no explanation to the viewers, other than the assumption our main character, Dawn’s (played by Jess Weixler), “gift” was provided by. We see young Dawn, guesstimated age 5 in an inflatable swimming pool with her slightly older, soon to be stepbrother, Brad (John Hensley), doing what kids do best: sitting uncomfortably still and in complete silence. Her mother, and Brad’s father are lounging in lawn chairs on the other side of the yard whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears in the classiest of forms. Young Brad then says to Dawn, “I showed you mine, now you show me yours”, and is met with a soul piercing stare and then suddenly the tip of his finger becomes severed.
This introduction is only a taste of what is to come in Dawn’s life. Little did she know that the nuclear power plant, or possibly the Native Americans, have provided her with a gift to aid her in her future adventures.
Following the severed finger of young Brad, we follow Dawn into adolescence where she is shown in the bathroom while a shadowy figure can be seen in the shower behind her. As she begins to open the shower door, adult Brad scares her and exclaims “gotcha bitch”, giving the creepy step sibling relationship and more “normal” tone and is without a doubt, Brads best moment.
We then find Dawn speaking passionately in a chastity club at her high school discussing staying pure and how precious the gift of virginity is. Following her speech, she is introduced to a new student Tobey (played by Hale Appleman) and the uncomfortable awkwardness of teen lust is immediately evident. After spending some seemingly innocent time with Tobey and her friends, Dawn almost masturbates while imagining marrying Tobey. Bless her little impure soul. She quickly reminds herself by saying “purity” and goes to bed.
Next, she returns to the swimming hole where they previously spent time together and calls Tobey, letting him know that she needs to see him. Tobey comes racing through the woods like a heroic knight upon his noble Jeep to meet her, and they enter a cave together and get cozy on a blanket that was already there (insert barf noises). Things get hot and heavy and Dawn reminds Tobey of their pledge while trying to diffuse the passionate scene. This serves to aggravates Tobey making him our 2nd rapey dude in this film. In a gentlemanly fashion, he gently bangs Dawns head on the rocky ground beneath them rendering Dawn unconscious and he takes the opportunity to take her virginity, adding the nice touch of reassuring her that she’s “still pure in his eyes”.
When Dawn regains consciousness, she begins to panic, then Tobey begins to panic as they realize that his penis has been severed. There it lay, abnormally large, bloody, and on the cave floor. Some time later, Dawn returns to the scene to find a crab playing with Tobey’s severed penis. She screams in horror at the sight as only natural when one finds out they have crabs. She then meets classmate Ryan (Ashley Springer) who gives her a ride home, swings by asking her out, letting her know that he knows she doesn’t want to have sex, and misses.
Dawn begins to research the internet for medical conditions, as any normal human being would, and happens across “vagina dentata”. Believing she has found the cause behind the mystery of the detached penis; she visits a gynecologist for expert advice. Our gyno, Dr. Godfrey (played by Josh Pais) quickly becomes creepy rapey guy #3 when he slips off one of his gloves during her examination and proceeds to enter her with 4 fingers. Like Tobey’s penis, his fingers become severed. Dawn quickly runs away from the office and rides her bicycle home while Dr. Godfrey sits on the floor screaming “VAGINA DENTATA!” in horror.
Upon her arrival home, she discovers her mother motionless on the floor while stepbrother Brad is making sweet love to his girlfriend with the door wide open. Her mother is then taken to the hospital, while Dawn hysterically arrives to Ryan’s house who we all have high hopes for. He consoles her as she explains vagina dentata and her research findings that the dentata must be conquered. In an attempt to calm her, he offers her a sedative and when she emerges from a bath, she finds the room romantically lit with 976 candles. Ryan then uses a vibrator on a tranquilized Dawn, who enjoys and consents. She fears that “they’ll get him”, but he confidently reassures her that he is conquering them.
Despite the romantic scene, the next morning Ryan shows his true colors and becomes creepy dude # 4 when he answers a phone call mid-sex saying that he won a bet and tries to get Dawn to say something to prove she is there. Dawn becomes angry and the dentata strike again, severing yet another abnormally sized penis which becomes instantaneously green for reasons unknown.
Meanwhile, Dawns stepfather is attempting to kick Brad out of the house, which results in Brad confessing his love for Dawn and his anger towards his father for making her his sister. Dawn meets her stepfather and Brads girlfriend at the hospital where her mother has died. Brad’s girlfriend apologizes to them, admitting that the mother was crying out for help, but Brad said to ignore her. Enraged, we see fire ignite in Dawn as she makes a plan that can only involve her gift.
Dawn returns home and adorns herself in a white dress and too much make up and seduces Brad in the spirit of Sandy from Grease when she enters metamorphosis for Danny’s approval. Brad is reluctant for about 2 seconds before he stops resisting the power of the vagina. He flashes back to childhood in the inflatable pool and remembers that it was Dawn’s vagina that severed his finger, and in that moment the dentata strikes again! Dawn stands and drops yet another giant D on the ground, only this time it is pierced with what appears to be a silver bangle or a hula hoop at the tip. As if the severed and pierced penis wasn’t enough, his dog then eats it and spits the piercing out.
With her newfound confidence in her dentata powers, Dawn begins to hitchhike out of her rapist riddled hometown and accepts a ride from an elderly man (Doyle Carter). She awakens when he parks at a gas station and as she tries to exit, he repeatedly locks the doors and licks his lips at her in a sensual, monitor lizard type of fashion. Dawn then breaks the 4th wall and smiles at the camera, then turns her smile toward the old man. The audience is left to assume that she will use her vagina dentata powers to bring rapists to justice, leaving only a trail of mangled dick behind her.
TMNT: Out Of The Shadows (2016)
a review by Evan Landon
What a complete pile of shit.
I would love to end this review there, but I feel that you, the reader, would not accept my opinion w/out a little more emphasis behind it; what a complete pile of shit! See, sometimes all you have to do is move some words around, use an exclamation point, and it sounds even better... or worse, I'm not even sure how to describe how sickening this film is.
Here is some backstory: upon my first introduction to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as an eight year-old in the eighties, I was obsessed with the quartet of hero-in-the-half-shell brethren. I remember being taught the theme song by our music teacher in the second grade because it was the easiest way to get a bunch of idiot kids to care about music. The live action movie came out not long after that and, although it was not great, it held very true to the original series. There are parts to where the original movie even harkens back to the Season One finale and the Season Two premier (that would be Shredded & Splintered and Return Of The Shredder for the uninitiated).
The story of this movie unravels very quickly because our characters look like a terrible “additional skins” pack from Fortnite that you immediately regret buying. They look fucking bad! Plus, the original cartoon that launched millions of dollars of revenue (before the movie was even made) never once made Raphael to be a “tough guy”. I don't even want to know who made that call, but that was stupid. Not as stupid as what I am about to speak of: Tyler Perry plays Baxter Stockman. Yup.
There are a bunch of great actors in this though; ummmmm.. I think Megan Fox, who is that one guy from Arrested Development, is that Green Arrow as a sniveling, wussy Casey Jones(?), and what the living flying fuck happened to any sort of narrative of a story?! Nevermind. All of these actors suck too.
Let's try to garner some positivity though... Anyone have any? Yeah, me neither.
The CGI is god awful too. I don't know what this travesty is, but Eastman and Laird are either rolling over in their graves or in the money they made with how they sold their souls for the rights to their mental property.
With a budget of $135 million, it made $245.6 million, it did 50% less than its predecessor, so another sequel probably will not happen. Thank god. However, they will probably try another reboot, so we have THAT to look forward to. Ugggggh...
They need to go back into the shadows, if you ask me.
What a complete pile of shit.
1.5 out of 5
Daylight’s End (2016)
a review by Evan Landon
Remember that last review where I did one on a movie I watched in a Facebook group watch & it kinda sucked..? Welp, here we are again, except this one did not suck! I mean, it is def not a perfect movie by any means, but I did enjoy it!
Let me break this one down quickly: set in a post-apocalyptic world where vampiric zombies kill whatevs is left of humanity, a last bastion of human survivors (mostly made up of police & military) are attempting to survive the wastelands of Dallas, Texas. I'm not gonna lie; just from that description, if your interest is not peaked after that, you might be a vampiric zombie yourself & should most likely get checked out.
Speaking to that, what caught my eye was how many peeps were wearing masks in this movie about a dark future. Being that this movie was made back in 2016, it is highly doubtful that they were accurately predicting the future when they made this film, but that was something very noticeable to me given our current situation.
The main contributors of this film have worked together before, so it flows very well: Johnny Strong (our main protagonist) worked on a film called Saints & Sinners with writer/director William Kaufman and actor Costas Mandylor, whose brother Louis Mandylor appears prominently in this film. Rounding out the group of actors is one Krzysztof Soszynski (as the Alpha vampire zombie) whose name I recognized from Ultimate Fighting Championship because that is one of the hardest names I have ever had to spell.
The movie is short on plot and actual character development, but that is not something truly needed for a movie like this. Sure, it could have definitely used more gore, but what was needed to make this movie work was great action sequences and this one nails them perfectly. One of the reviews I read actually said Kaufman should be given a chance to make a big budget Hollywood movie because of how well he pulled this one off.
If you have never heard of the lead actor, Johnny Strong (yes, that is his real name) before, you might know him as Leon from the Fast & Furious franchise or as Medal of Honor Delta Force sniper Randy Shughart in the movie Black Hawk Down where he was killed and taken through the streets. Naked. That really happened, by the way. I remember my dad telling me about it as a kid. I caught something in this film that I am not sure anyone else did; his character uses the same M14 sniper rifle in most of the action scenes that he used in that film as an homage to that character and real life person. Strong also composed the soundtrack for this film, as he has released over a half dozen albums under the name “Operator”. It is not that bad music, if you ask me, but the music in this film reminds me that of the music from Back To The Future score, at times.
At a budget of $2 million, as a straight to video release, the movie grossed a mere $11,000, so this action horror flick is definitely considered to be a bomb. The reviews are middle to average, just like this one. A Walking Dead tribute, it is not; what it is though is a taught action thriller by a young up and coming director with some great ideas.
Oh yeah, & Lance Henrickson is in it too. Sorta.
2.5 out of 5
Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS (1975)
a review by Evan Landon
Welp. It was bound to happen.
I mean, probably not Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS, but a great grindhouse flick from the 70's. A friend of mine actually told me that I needed to see this movie. Am I mad at this person? Yes, but not for seeing this movie. It was for the 3 drinks I bought his date three or four years ago. Now...
Q: How do I describe this movie without mentioning the title? This is gonna be a fun game, but okay. Let's play!
The eponymous “Ilsa” is a high-ranking SS officer in the Nazi army. She is running experiments to examine how females are better at absorbing pain than men in order to make the ultimate super soldier. However, her whole thing is this insatiable desire to be pleased sexually. That's everyone, though, am I right?! Well, Ilsa is not one to grow too fond of anyone who does not please her. In fact, in the first 5 minutes, she cuts a dude's nuts off because he couldn’t.
After this, there are more terrible things that happen to the people in this movie, but saying more about it might spoil it. There is one scene with a coal they put in a bad place with nipple clamps attached. I think you get the picture. The writer, John C.W. Saxton, also went by the name Jonah Royston when he was doing work for some ABC family movies. Some of his work has been ciphered between his names for credit or anonymity, but we know where his true talents lie: softcore porn with a dash of difficult to watch (yet comical) b-movie horror scenes. Throw in some questionable themes and you got yourself a grindhouse classic, baby!
Also, do not watch this movie if you are squeamish with nudity, sex, torture, etc… This was made in a time to get the drive-in theaters back on top and these Canadians made a huge deal out of it because the Foundation for Thematic Arts was non-taxable. Kind of like churches, but like a million times cooler because they don’t hide what they are… ehhh enough politics. These movies need to be talked about for obvious reasons.
All the same, Dyanna Thorne was a big deal in the 70's and needs to be recognized. She passed away earlier this year 2020 at the age of 83 from pancreatic cancer, but her legacy carries on in all of her drive-in movies that would delight audiences across the globe.
Listen, you may not love these grindhouse movies from nearly 50 years ago (this one was 1974), but the drive-in will never die!
2 out of 5
The Axiom (2018)
a review by Evan Landon
Ever been on Facebook...? Of course you have. Everyone has at one point or another. Ever been apart of a “group” to where you have an administrator who will put up a movie so the thousand something people that are apart of said group will watch the movie and just riff all over it? If you said “nope”, then I suggest you change your social media habits, my friend! We riffed so hard on this movie which was a blessing because how long it has been since we did that. I won't tell you which group it was right here, but I am sure a lot of you who are reading this can figure it out very quickly. I could also just tell you if you ask.
An axiom, by definition, is “a statement or proposition which is regarded as being established, accepted, or self-evidently true”. Does THIS movie accomplish that? Hmmmm... Let's find out!
All 5 characters are automatically left along the lines of your usual tropes: a brother and sister are searching out for their lost sibling, one has a girlfriend, who has a brother, who is engaged to another girl, and she has a brother. That took care of that plot point. Easy enough! What really is the issue is the mistrust that occurs between the characters as they enter into a realm to which they are apparently sacrificed and have to find their way out. It's like Wrong Turn meets The Thing meets The Descent part 2, but it is complete shit.
Our characters are never fleshed out. There is a hot af sex scene with no nudity (except for the main guy's one nip), then his girlfriend (whom I am definitely believe was in a dispute with the costume designer hated because she was having sex with her boyfriend & made her wear a polka dot dress with a denim jacket) gets stabbed in the stomach because her brother knew she was having a baby?! I don't know. I won’t drone on & on about it, but it seems excessive.
To be completely honest, I had a blast watching this movie, but it's really only good if'n you have some good friends who are willing to bear that burden with you! Shout out to those that did over the internet.
1.5 out of 5
OVERLORD (2018)
a review by Evan Landon
I remember when this movie came out around the holidays back in 2018. I also remember no one wanting to see it with me! That could be because I talk too much during movies though. Going to the theater with me is like watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 except it's me snorting when I laugh & I chew loud. Possibly drunk. That is not the problem with this movie, however.
The problem with this movie is not how it coalesces with other languages, nor how it tries to. Sometimes, I literally feel like I am halfway between Full Metal Jacket and Inglourious Basterds at the beginning with Bokeem Woodbine straight up killing it in his monologue and delivery. He really is a talent. That being said, this movie is filled with great actors from Jovan Adepo in the lead role, John Magaro as the fast-talking New Yorker, & Mathilde Ollivier as the flame-throwing German badass. But I think the pony goes to Wyatt Russell (yes, that is Kurt Russell's son named after his part in Tombstone) who completely dominates the screen at any time. He did not fall far from the tree. That is a fact.
J.J. Abrams produced this movie, so a lot of credit tends to go to him for this flick, but I will give a huge nod to both writer Billy Ray known for his work on Captain Phillips and Hunger Games, as well as director Julius Avery, who I believe had an incredible vision that was fulfilled almost perfectly. A few things that kept it from being perfect was not the execution though.
Movies like this cannot be perfect. They just cannot. But this one was done so well, you forget about all the nonsense going on, you focus a little less on the bullshit, & you have a fantastic time watching this callback to ‘ye olde drive-in’ movies. It’s not even the timing. It’s just the entire plot! I mean, maybe it is perfect. I don’t know. The gore is completely up to par and the acting is top notch, as well as I said about the execution of the film. If you have the time this month, I would suggest checking this one out on whatevs streaming format you can find.
Is it good for grandma? Nope. But rarely the movies I review ever are. So there.
3.5 out of 5
MANDY (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
When I did my review on Color Out Of Space, I mentioned how it was compared to this mesmerizing film by writer/director Panos Cosmatos & felt the need to speak on this highly divisive film. The similarities don't just end with both being cosmic horror films starring Nicolas Cage & utilizing vivid colors, but both were co-produced by Elijah Wood! I love that dude more & more every day, I gotta tell ya.
Cosmatos came onto the scene back in 2010 with Beyond the Black Rainbow, a science fiction horror film that I would also like to review, and his way of filmmaking is unlike anything I have ever seen before. It is not so much a movie as it is an experience. That could have something to do with the acid I took when I watched it, but then I went back & watched it again minus the hallucinogenics. Samesies. His father, George P. Cosmatos, is also a very well known director for his work on Rambo: First Blood Part II, the Villainous Cinema-adored deep sea science fiction horror flick Leviathan, & a tiny, little, critically-acclaimed American Western called Tombstone. Little Panos first cut his teeth in the industry as second unit video assist operator on that one.
For anyone who is highly involved in the horror community, or even the indie movie scene, the well-initiated are very aware how polarizing this film is. To one who thinks the movie is genius, there is one who thinks it is complete trash. Not every movie or artist has that kind of effect on the viewer. Think Marylin Manson of the movie realm; there really is no middle ground when it comes to an opinion.
The movie really is like 2 movies in one, sort of like From Dusk Til Dawn where half way thru the film, it completely shifts tonally into a different film. The first part of this movie has a very 1980's metal album cover art feel. It is even set off with the King Crimson tune, "Starless", which gives the viewer an overall feel for the score and visuals that accompany the story. The rest of the astoundingly concise soundtrack was fulfilled by the Icelandic composer, Jóhann Jóhannsson, who also did work on James Marsh's Stephen Hawking biopic The Theory Of Everything & Darren Aronofsky's allegorical psychological thriller Mother!. It's this music video-esque vibe that really sets the film apart, also making it incredibly polarizing for the audience.
I won't spoil too much because that would be wrong, but this movie is very contentious: some think that the entire first act is thrown away for a more stylistic approach. I, myself, find the contrast much more interesting than not throwing all caution into the wind. I also think the entire movie was one giant fever dream from Cosmatos that plays out in real time with the correct amount of poise, artistic relevance, & poise a trippy ass nostalgic film one would only grasp.
It is one of a kind & should be viewed by any horror fan at least once. Like I said, however, the movie is very divisive with some calling it brilliant and those who don't calling it garbage. I think you know where I stand here, but make your own decision & fill out your comment cards below.
I will say this though: I never knew how bad I always wanted a chainsaw fight on acid before this movie. I have never felt so fulfilled.
5 out of 5
Color Out Of Space (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
"...and over all the rest reigned that riot of luminous amorphousness, that alien and undimensioned rainbow of cryptic poison from the well—seething, feeling, lapping, reaching, scintillating, straining, and malignly bubbling in its cosmic and unrecognisable chromaticism."
"The Colour Out Of Space" by H.P. Lovecraft, March 1927
That's right, this movie is based off one of Lovecraft's finest short stories from nearly a century ago and completely holds up to this day! Whilst I have a tendency to talk about movies that are somewhat campy and silly in a poor attempt at comedy or lampooning certain lackluster films, I felt the need to talk about a movie I truly enjoyed by an author I adore. Enter this 2019 science fiction body horror from director Richard Stanley in his first film outting since the 1996 debacle, The Island Of Dr. Moreau starring a bored Marlon Brando and an incensed Val Kilmer.
The movie was released almost a year ago to the day of Nicolas Cage's film, Mandy, to which it is compared to quite heavily, although in my opinion are very different. Both star Nicolas Cage, are of the cosmic horror genre, & make substantial use of bright, vivid colors. In fact, magenta is used specifically in this movie because of how it is described in the short story as falling outside anything in the range of the visual spectrum. The color magenta, itself, is a construct of our brains to assess red & blue in the color spectrum that no wavelength of light can manufacture, so our brains imagine it as it is not an actual color. Cool, huh?! You learn something new every once in a while here on Villainous Cinema!
Back to the story, the movie is almost exactly like the acclaimed short story, aside from the names, the body horror, the daughter's experimentation with the Necronomicon (also a Lovecraftian device), and Nic Cage's obsession with alpacas that I found peculiar. In the end, it didn't hurt the film in the least bit. Lovecraft's tale is so streamlined and well told that anything Stanley added only made it better. Joely Richardson plays Cage's wife who suffers quite possibly the worst fate in the film (see body horror reference) whom I recognized immediately from another one of my fave movies, Event Horizon. Tommy Chong also makes an appearance as, you guessed it, a stoned hippie. Believe it or not, Elijah Wood was also an executive producer on this film.
Unfortunately, like Mandy, this film made round about the same $1 million against a $6 to $10 million budget, making it a box office failure. Fortunately, however, Stanley's return to directing will be followed up by another Lovecraft adaptation, The Dunwich Horror which I very much look forward to.
This one might not be one to show grandma, but it is a must for any fan of well thought out storytelling from one of the masters. The beautiful scenery and insane body horror doesn't hurt neither. Y'know how much I love that shit.
4 out of 5
HOST (2020)
a review by Evan Landon
We've all been locked away inside for so long, we all want something to break our boredom. We all want something to take our minds off of what is going on. That's what movies are for, right? Well, why don't we make our own horror movies over the same Zoom meetings we use for business and family board games online? Yeah, that will take our minds off of it!
Apparently, this is also how you can do séances and summon spirits, demons, or other worldy beings from beyond the veil. No worries tho; the afterlife also seems to be equipped with the latest version of Microsoft Windows because apparently Vista doesn't have that kind of range.
This type of filmmaking is a new style called "Screen Life” or "Computer Screen Film" or "Desktop Film" which is a sub genre of "Found Footage" that was capitalized on in such classic films as Unfriended, The Den, even Searching (with John Cho) and is a perfect format for this pandemic lockdown the film industry is currently facing. Shit, it is done on such a low budget, I'm even thinking about making one of my own. The new craze is here, dammit, & you're gonna watch!
All joking aside, this is an ambitious take on making movies since no one can really be in the same room together, much less share a stage of any kind. All of the actors even give their own names as characters, so they were definitely chiming in with their own ideas. One of the girls is even listed as a writer. The director said that he edited the whole thing down in his bathrobe. Now, that makes it interesting, even relatable or comedic, but does it make it good? The answer is: not really.
I won't go spoiling anything for you, but if you decide to watch this movie, I'm sure you know what you have in store for you. Jump scares are prominent, but character development, background, or arc are not. I like to feel what a character's intent or history is to feel somewhat related to the characters, y'know, so I can give a shit about them. But nah, not this one.
The plot? During the virus lockdown, a bunch of friends have a séance over a zoom meeting and unleash something in each person's living quarters. That's it. Nothing else to report without spoiling the entire movie, but seriously, you already know what happens to these idiots.
The good news is this is one of the only movies released in 2020, so it will probably clean up in every category in the Academy Awards. The bad news is there will probably be multiple sequels because of how well it was received garnering high praise from critics with an aggregate score of 6.7/10 on IMDb, but I'm pretty sure that is just because of how starved we all are for content of ANY kind.
1.5 out of 5
I Was A Teenage Wereskunk (2016)
a review by Evan Landon
When I first started Villainous Cinema a few years ago, it was mostly because of my love for spoofing bad movies. Podcasts like How Did This Get Made? & tv shows like Mystery Science Theater 3000 were huge in my decision to talk about B-movies, cult classics, & VHS trash. Speaking of MST3K, this one is a blatant satire of I Was a Teenage Werewolf starring Michael Landon (not my dad) and was featured on one of their earlier episodes. Sometimes, when these poorly made movies are made, they were made poorly on purpose. Movies like Velocipastor, Inhumanwich!, Return To Blood Fart Lake, & the entire Sharknado series are examples of these. Some of these movies are fun, even humorous. This is one is not.
Obviously, this movie was made as one of those farcical horror comedy movies, but it severely missed the mark with me. Apparently, it did not miss the mark with all of the critics, as it holds a 6.6 out of 10 on IMDB. I rarely pay attention to the critics, but I still do find that very funny; definitely funnier than this movie.
There are movies that are made terribly to be funny and movies made to be funny that are just terrible. This one is the latter.
The acting is deplorable and not just because of the terrible dialogue intended to resemble the candor and hip language of the sixties. I could try to recreate it or even quote some of it, but I cannot find any online and I don't think I will ever want to remember it, to be perfectly honest with you. The only part I thought was sort of interesting was when the hip beatnik guy with the beret introduces the protagonist to Charles Manson. Also, before they have an inane musical number in a diner, '”Cock & Balls” for ten cents is clearly on the menu. Besides that, nothing too memorable to even write about.
Anyone that follows Villainous Cinema should know how I feel about make up, gore, and special effects, so I'll just stop here.
Writer and director Neal McLoughlin released this pile of garbage in 2016 on a budget of $82,000 and made around $2 million on it, so it is considered a success.
If you don't want to take my advice or you just have an hour & a half of time to waste not laughing, go ahead and check this one out on Prime this month. If not, I don't blame you.
0.5 out of 5
He Never Died (2015)
a review by Evan Landon
This one is gonna sound a lot like my review of Girl On The Third Floor because much like CM Punk, I absolutely love Henry Rollins and in my eyes - the man can do no wrong! I remember the first movie I saw him in was a science fiction thriller called Johnny Mnemonic that starred Keanu Reeves, Ice T, Dina Meyer, Takeshi Kitano, Udo Kier, & Dolph Lungren( in his final role for 15 years until 2010's The Expendables). Henry Rollins, however, went on to do some more acting in movies like Heat alongside Robert DeNiro & Al Pacino, David Lynch's Lost Highway, & Villainous Cinema's very own 13th podcast episode of FEAST. He actually did an entire spoken word tour that was incredible, so you should check that out when you get a chance because it was fantastic. Rollins was also the lead singer of The Rollins Band (such generic name) and some Hot Topic t-shirt band called Black Flag..? Jk.
Anyways, I will admit that this movie was very confusing. There is a guy who brings him blood to drink, but you never really find out whom this kid is. I think the actor's name is “BooBoo” & that is the extent of what I know about this person who is second billed, but in the movie for like 5 minutes. Then, you are introduced to a woman at the local cafe, to whom has a crush on Black Flag so hard, she does everything but not get a tattoo on her neck. Then his daughter shows up, who is more of a plot device than a character, & asks him where he has been her entire life until she is kidnapped by people who want to exploit his immortality through cannibalism. Like.. he is cannot die because he eats people.
Now, this sounds like a badass movie, right? Ehhhhh..
I hate to say it, but this amazing premise with Henry Rollins at the helm churns out a very lackluster feature length film. The dialogue is droll, the characters are undeveloped, and the story drags on with scenes that sometimes feel like they have no end. Some characters even disappear & reappear in the very next scene, but it's not important enough to even really notice because none of them are established, have an arc, nor are even memorable. Even the main antagonist is maybe on screen for a total of 15 minutes, most of it is his final monologue and death scene.
I will give this movie that though: the death scenes can be fun and imaginitave, even though I feel like they could have been a little bit more gruesome. I really gotta stop saying that in every review...
Anyways, nothing reputable about the script, acting, or storytelling. The audio, lighting, cinematography, action, & death scenes are purdy awesome considering the budget. I guess watch it for that, plus an intense, monosyllabic performance from one of the greatest wordsmiths of our age. Plus, he eats people, throws them off buildings, thru windows, and plays bingo.
2.5 out of 5
The Old Guard (2020)
a review by Evan Landon
When my mom (yes, the very same Dinah Walker from the Villainous Cinema podcasts) said I should stay up after work & watch this 2020 action film based off of the 2017 comic book by DC comics writer, Greg Rucka, & Argentinean artist, Leandro Fernández, I was a bit skeptical. Mostly because I had not heard hide nor hair of this film, it's production, any trailers, etc. It was also dumped to Netflix after this entire lockdown of the planet occured, so ya cannot really blame the movie for not overhyping the project. Perhaps, that works in it's favour.
The film is a very sharp look at what we see “comic book heroes” to be these days; some of these characters are a little outrageous, but also very interesting. The main character, Andromache (...or Andy) of Scythia (Charlize Theron), is an immortal warrior over a thousand years old & put together a team of 3 other immortal mercenaries (Booker, Joe, & Nicky) after witnessing her partner in crime of over hundred of years be dropped into the ocean in an iron maiden. They find a new immortal soldier to fill their ranks after being caught in a CIA/Big Pharma trap to exploit the secret in their immortality. I won't spoil too much more, but that is just the tip of the iceberg here.
Something incredibly refreshing about this film is how diverse the characters are from your average action comic book adaptation are. There are a lot of shoutouts to the LGBT movement and women empowerment that is unfortunately absent for the most part in most Marvel and DC comic films (a handful withstanding, of course), yet this one pulls it off unapologetically thanks to the great screenplay by the writer (which is prob the most essential part to a story) and the direction of Gina Prince-Bythewood. Think what you want about any of that, but it does add to a compelling story to which I did enjoy.
The action sequences are also top-notch, leaving the viewer with the same satisfaction as a “John Wick-style” movie, all the while making its own style as a comic book genre superhero flick. When making an action film, all you have to do is a few things in the story and this one accomplishes all of them. The characters are also very strong, although there may be too many of them to literally fit into a two hour frame. But you cannot do that, right? I don't know.
3 out of 5
KNiVES OUT (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
Ever seen Clue? It had that one guy from Spinal Tap, the old It Pennywise guy, and the chick from Young Frankenstein is in it too. It is a classic. It really is not what we base our whole Who-Dun-Its around these days, I am sure of that. At least not here. We model a take on what a good mystery is these days. No? Maybe, we should get the local theater crew to work out a few scenes and they could do a better job than this one.
Simplistic work by Daniel Craig & the rest of the cast, by the way. You completely forget James Bond can pull off Foghorn Leghorn for a few hours. Chris Evans pulls off a mundane task as an entitled prick who shows up halfway through. I mean, he was phoning this one in, but he knows how to flawlessly pull that character off, for whatever reason. Toni Collette kills it, as does Don Johnson (who I really felt got the shaft for some awesome scenes). The kid from It: Part One gets the weirdest casting as a teenage Nazi sympathizer because whatever happened to that subplot? Jamie Lee Curtis does a mediocre job as well. Christopher Plummer is probably the best out of all of them, but he is hardly in this dreck.
I don't wanna give up the ghost this far into a review, but you get the killer in the first act. BAM! Then, you get to figure out how much all these “Blue Blood Eat Their Youngest” and realize that this is not a murder mystery anymore. This script lets you know it right off the bat, so there really is nothing to figure out.
What a drab script from Rian (I-killed-the-Star-Wars-franchise-oh-wait-it-was-alreads-dead-with-'The Last Jedi') Johnson. We love you, Rian. Don't ever change. Great work on trying to rekindle the Who-Dun-Its that were so popular like a century ago, but this fell flatter than Nebraska for me. I have never wanted to throw the remote at my television anymore than when watching this filth in years.
Anyways, this movie was a critical darling because of it's views on “class warfare” and “racism”, plus it brought in $312.9 million against a $40 million budget, so it definitely does not need a leg up from your's truly. If somebody gave me money to write a stellar review for this, I would probably burn it in front of them and thank them for the reach around.
2 out of 5
The Lighthouse (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
I wanted to watch this one for a really long time! I was not disappointed, at all. What a gem!
Let me give ya the rundown, right off the bat: 2 light keepers are sent to an island. It's prob turn of the 20th century & possibly off the coast of Massachusetts because of an amazing job w/ his “Bahstahn” accent by Robert Pattinson. What a delight, by the way. I would have totally shit on this movie with no problem just because Edward Cullen was a main character. But man... Do I love being absolutely wrong sometimes! What else...? Oh yes. An award-winning performance from Willem Dafoe. Remember him?! Also, Award-winning performances all around, from direction, to writing, to cinematography.. Amazing work here by the writer/producer/director Robert Eggers who wrote this with his brother, Max Eggers. Really great work when brothers work together, right?
Anyways, the entire movie is shot in black and white which is an extremely bold choice for any movie, much less with the studios and actors attached. The cinematography and writing find ways around this, which gives it that edgy, indie-darling sorta vibe that “hipster film fucks like me find so amazing”, but I digress. What a lot of directors do, is they forget the audience. This is not that movie.
This is easily a stage play. Plain and simple. You could literally put these two assholes anywhere and would kill it. The dialogue, the grit, uggggh.. Should this director win more awards since 2020 fuckin decided to leave us all high & dry? Yes. Should I be paid for these shills? Absolutely.
...or maybe it's the shrooms I ate. Idk.
5 out of 5