The Dead Zone (1983)
a review by Evan Landon
Nuances are subtle.
Back in my day (shut up), films would utilize nuance in a flattering way to convey a story within the utterly confining aspects of ambiguity. Nowadays, nuances are close to nil with exposition reigning king. Don't get that twisted, exposition is definitely important to sharpening the edges & defining what a good story needs to allow an audience to be right there with the characters of the story. I give exposition as much as a hard time as anybody, but gone are the days of Hemingway displaying a well-written exposition that allows the reader to formulate what happens in their own heads without given a background, race, sex, or timeframe that would allow supposition & clues to use imagination for the premise & sometimes even an ending. Instead, we get a batman telling us he us punched a bad guy thru a fucking wall. Yeah, I know. We just saw it, dickhead.
Well, brace yourselves folks, because I watched a very underrated film from 1983 made by David Cronenberg starring a young Christopher Walken based off a book made 4 years earlier written by Stephen King called The Dead Zone. Ever heard of it? Let's jump in then, shall we..?
The story begins with our main character, Johnny Smith (paying no expense on making him an every man in nomenclature, I'm sure), who is a charming school teacher & is an unassuming, stand-up guy with a girlfriend who is a co-worker that have yet to do the deed, yet still wish to get married. Welp, unfairly for our protagonist never gets to have his beautiful day because on the way home from dropping off said girlfriend, he barrels into an 18 wheeler full of milk and ends up in a coma for 5 years. With his job gone, his girlfriend now married to someone else, Johnny Boy is given something that cannot be taken away: Psychic Abilities!
I won't get too far into spoilers because this movie does a great time doing itself. Essentially, which should be an anthology gives way to breaks in the narrative, but is somehow well thought out through the torment of a man going thru a trauma none have ever heard of, but he is now sought out for it.
If you have read the book or seen the movie, you already know what happens. Disclaimer: I have never thought predicting the future was cool. I mean, the tv show “Psych” made it cool, but imagine the burden of actually being a fucking psychic & merely acting like it are insane!
David Cronenberg really does work backwards in style the way he did with Nightbreed or even Crash as to not give too much body horror, yet enough to actually give you a decent scare. Of course, this was 4 years before the movie was made that Stephen actually written this one. What we get, essentially, is an anthology movie brought together thru a worthwhile protagonist named “Johnny” who really was burdened with psychic powers. But at what cost?
Set this one against an incredible score by Michael Kamen & yeah, it should not have only made 20 mill against a 7 mill budget, but hey... you wanted a cult classic!
On paper, this one would be my schtick... Congrats, 'tis.
3.5 out of 5
Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery (2022)
a review by Evan Landon
The name is Leghorn. Foghorn Leghorn.
Seriously, what in the living fuck is this movie even about? It's like a stage play that went horrifically wrong after the first act which I did begrudgingly find somewhat whimsical. I guess in a lot of ways, you have to break down the characters, as this is a character driven film. I mean, it has to be because this plot is so thin you could walk through it.
Let's start with Daniel “I Say, I Say Non-Blonde-Bond, What's Goin On” Craig trying his hardest to leave his old franchise behind despite the fact that it is the role that put him on the map. Don't get that twisted because I am all for anyone in the entertainment industry trying something new, but it is apparent that this is the franchise he dusted the old one for which makes me want to become an ostrich and stick my fucking head in a hole in the ground. Also, Benoit Blanc is no Hercule Poirot, in case you see the likely comparison.
Then there is a whole slew of non-distinct characters that any community stage play actor could pull off, but gives it to Hollywood regs who you can easily tell how big of hacks they actually are. There is:
Boo-tista
Goldie Prawn
Girl from Daredevil..?
The Not-So-Incredible Bulk
Hillary Simpson
Half & Half
Whiskey
Aaron Burr
I guess good ole Wreck-It Rian decided that he would take the Kenneth Branaugh approach to Agatha Christie novels minus one Armie Hammer (the less said about that, the better) which only postulates why The Last Rian thinks he has a more contemporary take on film noir that completely misses the mark. His first film Brick was well-written and very creative to the point that I could almost see Hollywoodland giving him the reigns on, however has completely disgraced every single movie put in front of him since. Just go back to making Mountain Goats music vids, mon frer.
This film is a complete exercise of “style-over-substance” to which any out of work actor would jump at because it takes little to no work to go through the motions. I would love to tell you whom the killer is, but it really doesn't matter because it is solved in the first act. What continues is a farcical repose of convoluted bullshit that has little or nothing to do with anything.
I did like this more than its predecessor, so I gotta look at what I gave that. Here we go.
2.5 out of 5
The Batman (2022)
a review by Evan Landon
Before my time, Batman was on the television with campy noises, colorful characters, and was a hit even though it obviously did not take itself anywhere near seriously. Then Tim Burton gave us the “Dark Knight” version popularized by Frank Miller in the 80’s to which he in turn made the sequel even darker. Then it got really bright again! Then it got dark again. Now it is so damn dark, I could not even tell you what was happening even if I was able to stay awake for the 3 goddamn hours of this thing, so let’s just jump into it, shall we? Okay…
In 1998, a young man named Matt Reeves happily co-created a show called Felicity with a yet-to-be-famous young man named J.J. Abrams (no pun intended). Meeting for the first time when they were 13 years-old, the tandem started off transferring Super 8 films to video tape for one Steven Spielberg after airing some of their short films on Z-Channel, a public access network in Los Angeles circa 1981. The pair would soon amicably go their separate ways as to have careers of their own with the latter garnering more attention in Hollywood, but Reeves had his own plan: the Planet of the Apes remakes (not the Tim Burton one, but the sequels..? Not sure if those are sequels tbh)! He also directed the English version of the Swedish hit Let The Right One In called Let Me In, which should show us all where this highly-creative mind lies. Thus, an original darker take on the darker knighter version of “The Batman”.
Let's not beat around the bush here; this movie is soooooooo fucking looooooooooooong... Ugh. Like 3 hours long. No, seriously. Now, if you are good at math like I am, that is a total of 3 hours of total your life you will never get back. Unfortunately for me, I have seen this movie 3 times & fallen asleep every single time, so I think I have maybe seen 6 hours of it. However, here is what I have pieced together:
Batman/Bruce Wayne is just starting out as a brooding, sad, privileged, novice ninja/detective with a passion for justice.
The Riddler is a Saw-esque serial killer who merely wants to take out the 1% (i.e. Bruce Wayne)
The Penguin is very well done by Colin Farrell, but you could have just hired a stage actor from New York City instead of all the prosthetics.
The Catwoman is one Zoe Kravitz playing the Eartha Kitt version of the titular character popularized most recently by Halle Berry, minus the celebrity entitlement, of course.
This movie is basically the amalgamation of 3 movies in one, thus the 3 hour long episodes that barely connect, thus my falling asleep for 3 hours.
The problems with The Batman are not as simple as breaking down how characters should or would be framed, yet how nonstructural are denounced. It even lacks enough exposition to draw any cohesion as far as a plot would benefit from, so we are to infer most of what is happening from what we already know about these characters. All too subtle nuances aside, the film lacks any pacing, but instead drags on and on like a spool of yarn that never seems to end. If you asked “Bruce Wayne” how he felt about the crepe Gollum (yes, that is Andy Serkis) gave him, he would snarl & possibly cry in the corner for idk.. let us say 5 hours. This would easily elapse the run time.
What is truly lacking from this film is a sense of background of character. Our protagonist is not just an angry, entitled slave to his memories, he is a juxtaposed version of an emo goth “going-thru-a-phase” to which case borders on insecurity & rage. I kept waiting to see his mascara run just a bit.
Not My Batman.
Let's take Michael Keaton. He will be reprising his role as Batman after a long tenure of not taking roles that a Val or a George would choose. But why? He has already solidified himself as an incredible actor that not only is able to make fun of himself, yet somewhat notable for it. Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) comes to mind. As harrowing as that is, let us look at the newest problem the Detective Comics Expanded Universe has in store for us (FYI: I will just be calling it the DCEU for short from this day forward).
Let's talk about Ezra Miller & the new Flash movie... Actually, no. Let's not.
The DCEU has been putting out movies that are as confusing as the construct: Q: is this a light-hearted romp or a dark, grisly thriller? The problem with The Batman is not only befuddlement of nuances, but categorically inane. Is he actually a hero or just someone going thru emotions as a teen? Is The Batman a guest star in his own movie or do the villains actually procure more? Further more, why did this movie serve as Benedryl during a fire drill..?
All are questions that may or may never be asked bc “The Batman” is a putrid film that stocks its praises upon weak-minded fanboys & anyone else who decides 3 hours of their life just ain't worth it.
FACT: I literally bursted out laughing when the dipshit police let a man dressed like that into a full-on crime scene after that murder. The entire audience shushed me, I chuckled once again, then I fell asleep. Again.
2 out of 5
Who Invited Them (2022)
a review by Evan Landon
Yes, I should be writing one of my scathing reviews on The Batman, or The Menu, or even the follow up to Glass Onion: The Knives Out Debacle, but instead I watched a movie called, Who Invited Them in the meantime (& yes, I did try my bestest to keep all punctuation correct). Ugggghhh… so, where to start?
Premise? Or what passes for it...? Okay. A couple moves into a home, invite neighbors over, but they are not what they seem. Chaos ensues. Not a very novel approach, I know. But, is it groundbreaking? Naw man. Fuck no. It is much, much more boring than that.
This is a movie made in 2022 that is difficult to describe, so I will put it bluntly: for an intriguing premise (hahahaha), this one falls way too short of the hash mark. Kinda made me stop what I was doing because I did not know how to convey my thoughts. So yeah. Here the fuck we are.
The problem with this movie, as interested as I was for the sustaining run time, there are no acts. There is no story, nor character arcs to latch onto; aside from the fact that the people you are rooting for are almost (if not as bad) as the antagonists (which superfluously gives way to the betrayal of a final act that insultingly made me wish to vomit in my mouth) are respectively the more engaging characters, that is, until the bitter end of this travesty of a film. No, I think my vomit would have been tastier, given the sushi that I ate.
I think writer/director Duncan Birmingham (killer name btw) had himself a bad night once & decided to blow a lot of money on a movie that does not even have Wikipedia presence, nor a Google search history. There is no clue how much money was spent, nor how much was garnered, so I am reluctantly assuming the cash wad spent on this trainwreck is haphazardly a tax write-off for some idiot, unless it is Canada (in which case I apologize to the entire country that this movie exists).
Who Invited Them is quite possibly the thing I needed to cleanse my palate of bullshit movies I have been subjected to because at least it is a bullshit movie that is original. The only problem is that it sucks.
Still, I would watch it again bc my cat's name is Sasha... On second thought, no, fuck that. Not worth it. It appears that it streamed to some high critical praise, but my advice is too skip it. There are other inane conversations with a plant that you would find more interesting.
1.5 out of 5
Mean Girls (2004)
a review by Evan Landon
I know this is a little unusual (even for me) that I would choose to talk about a coming-of age teen comedy, but I don't think this movie is talked about nearly enough! Strange to hear me say that, I know. I am a little concerned for me too.
If you are not familiar with this 2004 American teen comedy film, I think you might need a Vitamin C injection because you have been living under a fucking rock for most of your life.. *side note* I actually had to look up if Vitamin C was on the soundtrack, but no, even though the soundtrack did very well. Most notably is the rendition of Jingle Bell Rock that “The Plastics” do every Christmas talent show. “The Mathlete Rap” is short, but funny as hell too. I wish it was a little bit longer, to be honest, but we will just have to wait for a sequel. Speaking of a sequel, it appears the only thing holding it back is Tina Fey herself, who if you do not know is the writer and director. I mean, there was a Mean Girls 2 from 2011, but it was direct to vid & had little or nothing to with the original & there is a musical, I think. The original is loosely based off a non-fiction self-help book by Rosalind Wiseman in 2002 called “Queen Bees & Wannabes” and Tina Fey's own high school experiences. It's hard to believe she would have a terrible time at high school, but I think only a small few actually had no problems back then.
Where was I? Oh yeah.
I definitely did not see this in the theater because it was obviously nowhere on my radar until it became a mainstream success and my girlfriend (at the time) waned on and on and on about it, so naturally I did end up watching it unknowing it would become not just a mainstream success but a cult phenomenon that has lasted almost two decades. I would say I am embellishing, however I have a sinking feeling I am not giving it enough credit. Grossing over $130 million against a $17 million budget, it makes it one of the most successful films of all time and is so fetch that a restaurant in Santa Cruz made the word happen. Gretchen would be so proud.
Speaking of Gretchen, turns out I have the same pant-busting crush for Lacey Chabert I had when I was 15. She has found new success as a Hallmark channel actress. (Psssst hit me up if you are reading this, Lace.. ;) It is also responsible for launching the careers of a pre-The Notebook Rachel McAdams which came out the very next month and is the first film for a young Amanda Seyfried. Oh yeah, Lindsey Lohan is in it too.
The whole story is told from the narrative of a displaced ginger girl from South Africa to whose parents move her to Evanston, Illinois (no, I had nothing to do with the name, shut up) and she must adapt to the high school cliques that are not very developed except for “The Plastics” and her newly found outcast friends. That is pretty much the entire plot, but it is defined by the events of an entire school year than any true story arc. There is a true character arc in the main characters, but mostly points out all the inefficiencies in the moral vacuum we call “high school”. I digress.
Despite all of its shortcomings as a somewhat corny script and easily predictable premise, the movie triumphs with its acting, pacing, and its minimalist cinematography. That's me nit-picking though. I absolutely adore this movie, but those shortcomings in the script do detract me a bit. There are more than enough peeps in this world that disagree with me on that and you might be one of them, but this movie has the capability of turning a gross-out grindhouse horror fan into one of the junior plastics that gets hit by a bus at the end.
Just kidding. That does happen though.
As candy cane Santa would say, “Four for you Glenn Coco! You go, Glenn Coco!”
3.5 out of 5
Dead End (2003)
a review by Jackie Tracey
Let me start off by saying I think this movie is super underrated. Not only is it one of my all time favorite holiday horror movies, but one of my favorite horror movies overall.
Dead End follows a family en route to a grandmother’s house on the evening of Christmas Eve. When the father decides to take a shortcut down a wooded road, the night takes an eerie turn. It stars Lin Shaye (the grandmother of horror, in my eyes) and Ray Wise as the parents, as well as Alexandra Holden and Mick Cain as their children.
Released in 2003, it’s chock full of the humor of that era (like Ray’s character, Frank, referring to Marilyn Manson as a woman named Marilyn Bronson), and it definitely doesn’t take itself too seriously. The son though, is clearly meant to be a cringy comic relief.
The thing that works about this movie to me is the eerie atmosphere. It feels akin to things like “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” and even some “Twilight Zone” episodes. There’s not a ton of gore. It’s more about what you’re not seeing than what you are. It gives you a feeling of no escape and doesn’t let up.
Additionally, there are some stellar performances. I cannot say enough about Lin fucking Shaye in this movie. Her wide range of emotions, and her slow descent into madness is truly something to behold. Everyone really holds their own though.
The music also lends itself well to the tension and atmosphere. Also, some of the other audio choices will likely stick with you. (Without spoilers, there is a moment where the car’s windows are too fogged up to see through, and you just briefly see a shadow and hear a voice almost angrily saying, “she’s dead!”. I legit still think about this from time to time.)
The ending is a little polarizing for audiences, but I really dig how it all comes together. Anyway, give it a goddamn go if you haven’t yet. I really think this movie needs a bigger cult following than it has. Happy fucking holidays!
4 out of 5
SHEENA (1984)
a review by Evan Landon
I know what you all are thinking: topless Tanya Roberts in her “Hey Day” running around in the African jungles of Kenya, being chased by arm militia, yet protected by random African lions, tigers, rhino, zebras, & caribou is totes the sort of movie that would be on my radar. The answer is “YOU ARE CORRECT, SIR!”
Look, I am going to be completely honest with you. I did not watch this movie. I just wanted to write something. As long as we are being honest, I did not feel like I needed to ever to turn on closed captioning or even raise the volume. Apparently, it was a huge box office bomb pulling in 5 million against a 25 million dollar budget. But you get to see real African animals & then Tanya Roberts gets naked & bathes.
Additional: The credits is about 5 minutes of Tanya Roberts barebacking a zebra. Yup.
1 out of 5
DRIVE (2011)
a review by Evan Landon
I have not written an article in a while, so I thought I would start with the greatest Ryan Gosling movie made (so far). That's right, La La Land! Just kidding, could you imagine me reviewing that piece of shit?! Sorry, that award-winning piece of shit..?! Not yet. Just kidding, I never saw it. Will I ever see it? Nope.
The movie I am speaking of is the 2011 Nicolas Winding Refn vehicle (no pun intended), “Drive” which stars that very same actor, add Bryan Cranston, Ron Perlman, Oscar Isaac, & by far my favorite Albert Brooks performance outside of The Simpsons. Not many people know this, but it was adapted from a novel written by a science fiction writer from Arkansas named James Sallis in 2005. That's right, you can actually learn some interesting facts to accompany my weighted snark here in Villainous Cinema!
Where was I..? Oh yeah.
When I first heard of this movie, I was living in Gainesville and one of the cooks would not shut the fuck up about it. Y'know when people do that, you tend to not want to even see it. Kind of like people who watched Breaking Bad when that was a thing; it's almost like in order to watch it, you have to sign an agreement that you will tell every single fucking person you meet about it. Hey, Bryan Cranston was in that too!
It was played at Cannes Film Festival, Refn received a Best Director Award, blah blah blah, etc... Who the fuck cares? It's an awesome movie. Who would have guessed that the sniveling dickhead from The Notebook could be a Steve McQueen-esque badass?! I mean, I know I didn't. I think the silver scorpion jacket he wears is supposed to be an homage to McQueen, but do not quote me on that.
The soundtrack is pretty dope too, not a very common thing in many movies. I think the last one I really liked was from Tron: Legacy, and that was all Daft Punk. This one has a great song that bookends this called “A Real Hero” by College & Electric Youth. Check it out, when you get the chance.
There is something kind of funny about this one too: a woman actually sued the production company for a misleading trailer. Apparently, she thought she was going to see a Fast & Furious-style movie. I think I would probably sue anyone who tried to make watch one of those movies tbh..
Anyways, Drive is awesome. It cleaned up at the box office, pulling in 81 million against a 15 million dollar budget. I would give it 5 stars, but that one guy at my old job wouldn't shut the fuck up about it.
4.5 out of 5
Scott Pilgrim vs The World (2010)
an review by Evan Landon
I'm not gonna lie; I honestly hated this movie when it came out. It was too cliché and a bit derivative because “WHAT IS THIS DUDE'S PROB??!”
I mean, he is completely hapless, has an oriental girl his own age, he is Michael Cera living on a mattress with a gay Kieran Culkin (who immediately kicks him out as soon as he gets some lovin), & falls for a scenester chick who hates him & has a lotta baggage?! Idk. Then he has to defeat all of her “evil ex’s”.
Let us count the “The Ex-BF Guild” who in turn gets F’d in the B (a line from the movie itself)-
pirate flippy guy
not Superman
vegan Captain America
bi-furious
Chinese Twins...?
the other Chinese twin
MAIN BOSS: Jason Schwartzman. Fucking Rushmore is your final boss. How can you even hate him?!
I honestly stopped caring as soon as I realized KNIVES was the real hero here & you cannot tell me otherwise (also, Ellen Wong, I <3 you hmu ;). Somewhat unknowns at the time Anna Kendrick & Aubrey Plaza also round out an awesome supporting cast, so that is a plus! This was before Edgar Wright got huge, so it is sort of nice to see some of his earlier shit. The effects hold up tho.
2.5 out of 5
Gretel & Hansel (2020)
a review by Evan Landon
I haven't done an article in a while, but since my 31 nights of Halloween movie cuts had such a great reception, I figured Fuck It! Let's roll with a weekly version of it. That being said, I would love any and all recommendations any of you guys have in the comments section below.
Let's start off with a movie I missed last year called, Gretel & Hansel”, which sounds like “Hansel & Gretel” in which it is, but isn't. Let m explain... or not. I think it is inherent in the title how this one works, but it does it incredibly well. I don't think twisting the narrative to make a story work is conducive to trying to make a protagonist out of a rival, but this actually speaks to the witch's dark past.
Q: Was she burnt up because she ate children?
A: Well, yes.
Q: Was she a witch that ate children?
A: Duhr.
I don't know if'n they'll ever make a costume for “Holda the Witch” next year at your faves Halloween store, but I doubt they'll ever get the Alice Krige version which is insanely cool! I saw some witch gear this year that looked like complete shit and I doubt anybody could actually pull it off the way she did, but I will give a lot of credit to the special & visual effects artists that made this bad boy happen, not to mention the cinematography by Galo Olivares that wins the pony on this one.
Here is a quick synopsis: Gretel has a brother named Hansel and are deemed a nuisance by town folk, then run into the forests are led to a witch lodged deepened into the wilderness because she was, yes, in fact, a witch. She deliberately eats children. There is a subplot to where Gretel is, in fact, the rightful heir to her throne, but she denounces it and saves her brother. I mean, it is okay because it takes a new light on many things that we could not have been privy to, but really just tells the same story. It's a short game for anyone who wanted Gretel to be before Hansel, but it's a little more than that.
This is a movie that reminds us that these are “Fairy Tales” and they do not need a woke concept. It's a movie coming from a different perspective that we can all wrap our head around, even if it is something we have heard over and over and over again because, believe it or not, this story has been around a long ass time & it has no merits for exclusivity, unless you account for that old witch soliciting candy for children to eat, unsuspectingly. Yeah, THEN SHE EATS THEM! Take note of that.
Great special effects & cinematography! Shout out to Fred Berger and the rest of the writers on this because it is awesomeness. Loved this.
3.5 out of 5
DREDD (2012)
a review by Evan Landon
I think I remember the first Judge Dredd movie starring Sylvester Stallone. It had Rob Schneider in it too, right? I know I saw it, but my memory of everything that happens in the movie is as forgotten as anything that happened in The Transformers movies. Maybe I will go back and watch that one again, maybe write an article or do a podcast. Then again, maybe I won't. I don't know. I do remember that it did suck. That is not the movie we are talking about though.
The movie I am speaking of is a 2012 dystopian action film written by Alex Garland (of Ex Machina & Annihilation fame) and directed by Pete Travis. The original comic strip appeared in the 1977 British periodical “2000AD” which not only launched the career of its creators, but those of acclaimed graphic novelists, Garth Ennis and Warren Ellis. Remember them? Those two fuckers gave birth to such amazing stories, such as Preacher & The Watchmen. Judge Dredd creator, John Wagner, was also on set as a consultant.
Dredd comes at you hard and fast. I dig that. Some movies fuck around with useless exposition and character building, but Dredd gives you no time for that. You are immediately introduced to Karl Urban's new and improved version who is as unapologetic as this script.
Let's get to some FACTS:
Numero Uno: Sly used his Hollywood swag to take over another person's intellectual property for his own efforts.
Numero Dos: We get a second movie that has nothing to do w/ said Sly's film, is that we get a true version of Judge Dredd: a walking, talking version of the acclaimed comic series.
Numero Trio: “I AM THE LAW!”
This is something that happens incredibly subtly, but also consciously without the help of CGI, major corporations resurgences, or even psychic mediums. There is definitely a future that we do not want to understand, but that is our availability as people to band together?
Dredd is a lot like a video game from the 80's where you have to defeat every single boss on your way to the top to achieve a goal. Welp... the only goal here is throwing Cersei Lannister out of a high rise window after she smoked a shitload of crack.
Making $41.5 million against a $45 million budget, unfortunately this one bombed hard enough for them to abandon any possibility of a sequel, but even Karl Urban holds onto hope that they may still be able to get one together some 15 years later. We will just have to wait and see about that.
4 out of 5
PG: Psycho Goreman (2020)
a review by Saralyn Fumiko
PG: Psycho Goreman, a film with an 80’s vibe released in 2020 that has it all: a child who gives zero f*cks, her pushover brother, and resentful parents brought together by alien templars in their attempt to eliminate the Archduke of Nightmares. Oh, and we can’t forget about all the cheesy montages and of course, Crazy Ball, the homemade backyard game that starts it all.
After Mimi, our main character who is a bossy pre-teen girl, wins a game of Crazy Ball against her brother Luke, they happen across a glowing gem while Luke is digging his own grave. (Also, quick shoutout to Luke’s mad digging skills – call him should you ever need to bury a body quickly, or perhaps want to install a swimming pool in your backyard and aren’t against child labor.) The children are then called in to bed and ask their parents if monsters are real. We get a real taste of Mimi’s personality when she asks her parents to make sure any monsters kill her brother first.
Little did they know, the removal of the glowing gem from Luke’s grave would resurrect an alien beast from the planet Gigax, who later introduces himself as The Archduke of Nightmares. Mr. Nightmares climbs out of Luke’s not-so-shallow grave and wanders out of their backyard, through the woods, and into an abandoned shoe factory where he promptly rips the head off of, implodes, and petrifies three thieves who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.
The next day Mimi and Luke follow the footsteps from the hole in their yard through the woods and into the shoe factory where they find the alien monster supervillain and the kids quickly realize that they can control The Archduke of Nightmares with the glowing rock/amulet in Mimi’s possession. Upon this realization, Mimi decides to rename the Archduke something more fun, more hip, more now and with a wow factor. She settles on Psycho Goreman, PG for short, and orders him to wait for her return.
Meanwhile, The Templars of the Planetary Alliance, a solid mashup of knockoff familiar creatures like the Martians from Mars Attacks and an Angelina Jolie power ranger angel bot named Pandora, somewhere in space have come together to plan how to stop PG. Pandora elects herself to travel to earth and summons a human to their command station, squishes her into a meat cube, consumes said meat cube and then takes the form of the human girl.
The siblings introduce their school friend Alastair to PG, who Mimi has a crush on. Later, Mimi brings PG home for help as she is upset that the boys play video games instead of playing basketball with her. She asks that PG make Alastair want to play basketball with her forever, and he warns that his dark magic can go wrong sometimes and proceeds to follow his orders and turns Alastair into a giant brain with googly eyes and arms. While Luke and Mimi’s parents (Greg and Susan) are busy arguing who will clean the microwave after dad makes a wholesome family meal in it, they witness Alastairs transformation and reluctantly accept PG into their family.
The children, including giant brain and PG, are trying to play Crazy Ball when two police officers arrive. One escapes, and the other is seemingly turned inside-out with his gun still in hand by PG. They start walking through the woods like most normal kids and aliens do and are greeted by a group of different alien species called the Paladins from Gigax where PG once ruled. A fight scene ensues that ultimately PG reins triumphant, but not without injury, after receiving permission from Mimi to fight back that is. A gravely injured PG comes to Greg in a vision while Greg is on the porcelain throne summoning him to come get him and the children from the woods in a hilarious scene. Greg obeys and returns home with the group where they find Pandora and Susan waiting for them. Susan wants to wash her hands of all of it, while Greg appeases his daughter and drives to the old, abandoned shoe factory with Mimi and PG.
Pandora and a now armored warrior Susan arrive to the shoe factory where another fight scene breaks out. PG convinces Mimi to give him the amulet, claiming that is the only way he will heal. She agrees after he promises not to hurt her or her family, and then realizes that Luke had stolen it from her. Luke and Mimi fight over the amulet while Susan and Greg fight over their marriage while PG fights for his life.
It is decided that Mimi can choose the battle in accordance with the Templar Code, and of course, she chooses to settle their differences in a wholesome match of Crazy Ball. After Mimi wins (again) Pandora attacks her, and Susan’s motherly instincts kick in as she comes to Mimi’s rescue. Pandora tells Susan that she is not worthy and reverts her back to her human form. Then, like most families who have just reconciled, they break into song and the gem is returned to PG who heals and gives Pandora an honorable death by unhinging his jaw and eating her whole.
A now gentle and kindhearted PG who is softened by witnessing the love of a family returns the amulet to Mimi and promises not to hurt them as he bids them farewell and continues on to fulfill his goal of destroying the galaxy, starting with their town. In a post credit scene, we see Alastairs parents calling him for dinner and he takes his seat at the dinner table as a giant brain, going unnoticed by his parents.
TEETH (2007)
a review by Sarah Fumiko
As the late Roger Ebert wrote in 1992, “if you pay attention to the movies they will tell you what people desire and fear in their deepest secrets[…]”. This rings true scene for scene in the visual masterpiece, “Teeth”, released in 2008 and directed by Mitchell Lichtenstein.
Teeth begins with a mysterious shot of a nuclear power plant and is revisited throughout the film with no explanation to the viewers, other than the assumption our main character, Dawn’s (played by Jess Weixler), “gift” was provided by. We see young Dawn, guesstimated age 5 in an inflatable swimming pool with her slightly older, soon to be stepbrother, Brad (John Hensley), doing what kids do best: sitting uncomfortably still and in complete silence. Her mother, and Brad’s father are lounging in lawn chairs on the other side of the yard whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears in the classiest of forms. Young Brad then says to Dawn, “I showed you mine, now you show me yours”, and is met with a soul piercing stare and then suddenly the tip of his finger becomes severed.
This introduction is only a taste of what is to come in Dawn’s life. Little did she know that the nuclear power plant, or possibly the Native Americans, have provided her with a gift to aid her in her future adventures.
Following the severed finger of young Brad, we follow Dawn into adolescence where she is shown in the bathroom while a shadowy figure can be seen in the shower behind her. As she begins to open the shower door, adult Brad scares her and exclaims “gotcha bitch”, giving the creepy step sibling relationship and more “normal” tone and is without a doubt, Brads best moment.
We then find Dawn speaking passionately in a chastity club at her high school discussing staying pure and how precious the gift of virginity is. Following her speech, she is introduced to a new student Tobey (played by Hale Appleman) and the uncomfortable awkwardness of teen lust is immediately evident. After spending some seemingly innocent time with Tobey and her friends, Dawn almost masturbates while imagining marrying Tobey. Bless her little impure soul. She quickly reminds herself by saying “purity” and goes to bed.
Next, she returns to the swimming hole where they previously spent time together and calls Tobey, letting him know that she needs to see him. Tobey comes racing through the woods like a heroic knight upon his noble Jeep to meet her, and they enter a cave together and get cozy on a blanket that was already there (insert barf noises). Things get hot and heavy and Dawn reminds Tobey of their pledge while trying to diffuse the passionate scene. This serves to aggravates Tobey making him our 2nd rapey dude in this film. In a gentlemanly fashion, he gently bangs Dawns head on the rocky ground beneath them rendering Dawn unconscious and he takes the opportunity to take her virginity, adding the nice touch of reassuring her that she’s “still pure in his eyes”.
When Dawn regains consciousness, she begins to panic, then Tobey begins to panic as they realize that his penis has been severed. There it lay, abnormally large, bloody, and on the cave floor. Some time later, Dawn returns to the scene to find a crab playing with Tobey’s severed penis. She screams in horror at the sight as only natural when one finds out they have crabs. She then meets classmate Ryan (Ashley Springer) who gives her a ride home, swings by asking her out, letting her know that he knows she doesn’t want to have sex, and misses.
Dawn begins to research the internet for medical conditions, as any normal human being would, and happens across “vagina dentata”. Believing she has found the cause behind the mystery of the detached penis; she visits a gynecologist for expert advice. Our gyno, Dr. Godfrey (played by Josh Pais) quickly becomes creepy rapey guy #3 when he slips off one of his gloves during her examination and proceeds to enter her with 4 fingers. Like Tobey’s penis, his fingers become severed. Dawn quickly runs away from the office and rides her bicycle home while Dr. Godfrey sits on the floor screaming “VAGINA DENTATA!” in horror.
Upon her arrival home, she discovers her mother motionless on the floor while stepbrother Brad is making sweet love to his girlfriend with the door wide open. Her mother is then taken to the hospital, while Dawn hysterically arrives to Ryan’s house who we all have high hopes for. He consoles her as she explains vagina dentata and her research findings that the dentata must be conquered. In an attempt to calm her, he offers her a sedative and when she emerges from a bath, she finds the room romantically lit with 976 candles. Ryan then uses a vibrator on a tranquilized Dawn, who enjoys and consents. She fears that “they’ll get him”, but he confidently reassures her that he is conquering them.
Despite the romantic scene, the next morning Ryan shows his true colors and becomes creepy dude # 4 when he answers a phone call mid-sex saying that he won a bet and tries to get Dawn to say something to prove she is there. Dawn becomes angry and the dentata strike again, severing yet another abnormally sized penis which becomes instantaneously green for reasons unknown.
Meanwhile, Dawns stepfather is attempting to kick Brad out of the house, which results in Brad confessing his love for Dawn and his anger towards his father for making her his sister. Dawn meets her stepfather and Brads girlfriend at the hospital where her mother has died. Brad’s girlfriend apologizes to them, admitting that the mother was crying out for help, but Brad said to ignore her. Enraged, we see fire ignite in Dawn as she makes a plan that can only involve her gift.
Dawn returns home and adorns herself in a white dress and too much make up and seduces Brad in the spirit of Sandy from Grease when she enters metamorphosis for Danny’s approval. Brad is reluctant for about 2 seconds before he stops resisting the power of the vagina. He flashes back to childhood in the inflatable pool and remembers that it was Dawn’s vagina that severed his finger, and in that moment the dentata strikes again! Dawn stands and drops yet another giant D on the ground, only this time it is pierced with what appears to be a silver bangle or a hula hoop at the tip. As if the severed and pierced penis wasn’t enough, his dog then eats it and spits the piercing out.
With her newfound confidence in her dentata powers, Dawn begins to hitchhike out of her rapist riddled hometown and accepts a ride from an elderly man (Doyle Carter). She awakens when he parks at a gas station and as she tries to exit, he repeatedly locks the doors and licks his lips at her in a sensual, monitor lizard type of fashion. Dawn then breaks the 4th wall and smiles at the camera, then turns her smile toward the old man. The audience is left to assume that she will use her vagina dentata powers to bring rapists to justice, leaving only a trail of mangled dick behind her.
TMNT: Out Of The Shadows (2016)
a review by Evan Landon
What a complete pile of shit.
I would love to end this review there, but I feel that you, the reader, would not accept my opinion w/out a little more emphasis behind it; what a complete pile of shit! See, sometimes all you have to do is move some words around, use an exclamation point, and it sounds even better... or worse, I'm not even sure how to describe how sickening this film is.
Here is some backstory: upon my first introduction to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as an eight year-old in the eighties, I was obsessed with the quartet of hero-in-the-half-shell brethren. I remember being taught the theme song by our music teacher in the second grade because it was the easiest way to get a bunch of idiot kids to care about music. The live action movie came out not long after that and, although it was not great, it held very true to the original series. There are parts to where the original movie even harkens back to the Season One finale and the Season Two premier (that would be Shredded & Splintered and Return Of The Shredder for the uninitiated).
The story of this movie unravels very quickly because our characters look like a terrible “additional skins” pack from Fortnite that you immediately regret buying. They look fucking bad! Plus, the original cartoon that launched millions of dollars of revenue (before the movie was even made) never once made Raphael to be a “tough guy”. I don't even want to know who made that call, but that was stupid. Not as stupid as what I am about to speak of: Tyler Perry plays Baxter Stockman. Yup.
There are a bunch of great actors in this though; ummmmm.. I think Megan Fox, who is that one guy from Arrested Development, is that Green Arrow as a sniveling, wussy Casey Jones(?), and what the living flying fuck happened to any sort of narrative of a story?! Nevermind. All of these actors suck too.
Let's try to garner some positivity though... Anyone have any? Yeah, me neither.
The CGI is god awful too. I don't know what this travesty is, but Eastman and Laird are either rolling over in their graves or in the money they made with how they sold their souls for the rights to their mental property.
With a budget of $135 million, it made $245.6 million, it did 50% less than its predecessor, so another sequel probably will not happen. Thank god. However, they will probably try another reboot, so we have THAT to look forward to. Ugggggh...
They need to go back into the shadows, if you ask me.
What a complete pile of shit.
1.5 out of 5
Daylight’s End (2016)
a review by Evan Landon
Remember that last review where I did one on a movie I watched in a Facebook group watch & it kinda sucked..? Welp, here we are again, except this one did not suck! I mean, it is def not a perfect movie by any means, but I did enjoy it!
Let me break this one down quickly: set in a post-apocalyptic world where vampiric zombies kill whatevs is left of humanity, a last bastion of human survivors (mostly made up of police & military) are attempting to survive the wastelands of Dallas, Texas. I'm not gonna lie; just from that description, if your interest is not peaked after that, you might be a vampiric zombie yourself & should most likely get checked out.
Speaking to that, what caught my eye was how many peeps were wearing masks in this movie about a dark future. Being that this movie was made back in 2016, it is highly doubtful that they were accurately predicting the future when they made this film, but that was something very noticeable to me given our current situation.
The main contributors of this film have worked together before, so it flows very well: Johnny Strong (our main protagonist) worked on a film called Saints & Sinners with writer/director William Kaufman and actor Costas Mandylor, whose brother Louis Mandylor appears prominently in this film. Rounding out the group of actors is one Krzysztof Soszynski (as the Alpha vampire zombie) whose name I recognized from Ultimate Fighting Championship because that is one of the hardest names I have ever had to spell.
The movie is short on plot and actual character development, but that is not something truly needed for a movie like this. Sure, it could have definitely used more gore, but what was needed to make this movie work was great action sequences and this one nails them perfectly. One of the reviews I read actually said Kaufman should be given a chance to make a big budget Hollywood movie because of how well he pulled this one off.
If you have never heard of the lead actor, Johnny Strong (yes, that is his real name) before, you might know him as Leon from the Fast & Furious franchise or as Medal of Honor Delta Force sniper Randy Shughart in the movie Black Hawk Down where he was killed and taken through the streets. Naked. That really happened, by the way. I remember my dad telling me about it as a kid. I caught something in this film that I am not sure anyone else did; his character uses the same M14 sniper rifle in most of the action scenes that he used in that film as an homage to that character and real life person. Strong also composed the soundtrack for this film, as he has released over a half dozen albums under the name “Operator”. It is not that bad music, if you ask me, but the music in this film reminds me that of the music from Back To The Future score, at times.
At a budget of $2 million, as a straight to video release, the movie grossed a mere $11,000, so this action horror flick is definitely considered to be a bomb. The reviews are middle to average, just like this one. A Walking Dead tribute, it is not; what it is though is a taught action thriller by a young up and coming director with some great ideas.
Oh yeah, & Lance Henrickson is in it too. Sorta.
2.5 out of 5
Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS (1975)
a review by Evan Landon
Welp. It was bound to happen.
I mean, probably not Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS, but a great grindhouse flick from the 70's. A friend of mine actually told me that I needed to see this movie. Am I mad at this person? Yes, but not for seeing this movie. It was for the 3 drinks I bought his date three or four years ago. Now...
Q: How do I describe this movie without mentioning the title? This is gonna be a fun game, but okay. Let's play!
The eponymous “Ilsa” is a high-ranking SS officer in the Nazi army. She is running experiments to examine how females are better at absorbing pain than men in order to make the ultimate super soldier. However, her whole thing is this insatiable desire to be pleased sexually. That's everyone, though, am I right?! Well, Ilsa is not one to grow too fond of anyone who does not please her. In fact, in the first 5 minutes, she cuts a dude's nuts off because he couldn’t.
After this, there are more terrible things that happen to the people in this movie, but saying more about it might spoil it. There is one scene with a coal they put in a bad place with nipple clamps attached. I think you get the picture. The writer, John C.W. Saxton, also went by the name Jonah Royston when he was doing work for some ABC family movies. Some of his work has been ciphered between his names for credit or anonymity, but we know where his true talents lie: softcore porn with a dash of difficult to watch (yet comical) b-movie horror scenes. Throw in some questionable themes and you got yourself a grindhouse classic, baby!
Also, do not watch this movie if you are squeamish with nudity, sex, torture, etc… This was made in a time to get the drive-in theaters back on top and these Canadians made a huge deal out of it because the Foundation for Thematic Arts was non-taxable. Kind of like churches, but like a million times cooler because they don’t hide what they are… ehhh enough politics. These movies need to be talked about for obvious reasons.
All the same, Dyanna Thorne was a big deal in the 70's and needs to be recognized. She passed away earlier this year 2020 at the age of 83 from pancreatic cancer, but her legacy carries on in all of her drive-in movies that would delight audiences across the globe.
Listen, you may not love these grindhouse movies from nearly 50 years ago (this one was 1974), but the drive-in will never die!
2 out of 5
The Axiom (2018)
a review by Evan Landon
Ever been on Facebook...? Of course you have. Everyone has at one point or another. Ever been apart of a “group” to where you have an administrator who will put up a movie so the thousand something people that are apart of said group will watch the movie and just riff all over it? If you said “nope”, then I suggest you change your social media habits, my friend! We riffed so hard on this movie which was a blessing because how long it has been since we did that. I won't tell you which group it was right here, but I am sure a lot of you who are reading this can figure it out very quickly. I could also just tell you if you ask.
An axiom, by definition, is “a statement or proposition which is regarded as being established, accepted, or self-evidently true”. Does THIS movie accomplish that? Hmmmm... Let's find out!
All 5 characters are automatically left along the lines of your usual tropes: a brother and sister are searching out for their lost sibling, one has a girlfriend, who has a brother, who is engaged to another girl, and she has a brother. That took care of that plot point. Easy enough! What really is the issue is the mistrust that occurs between the characters as they enter into a realm to which they are apparently sacrificed and have to find their way out. It's like Wrong Turn meets The Thing meets The Descent part 2, but it is complete shit.
Our characters are never fleshed out. There is a hot af sex scene with no nudity (except for the main guy's one nip), then his girlfriend (whom I am definitely believe was in a dispute with the costume designer hated because she was having sex with her boyfriend & made her wear a polka dot dress with a denim jacket) gets stabbed in the stomach because her brother knew she was having a baby?! I don't know. I won’t drone on & on about it, but it seems excessive.
To be completely honest, I had a blast watching this movie, but it's really only good if'n you have some good friends who are willing to bear that burden with you! Shout out to those that did over the internet.
1.5 out of 5
OVERLORD (2018)
a review by Evan Landon
I remember when this movie came out around the holidays back in 2018. I also remember no one wanting to see it with me! That could be because I talk too much during movies though. Going to the theater with me is like watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 except it's me snorting when I laugh & I chew loud. Possibly drunk. That is not the problem with this movie, however.
The problem with this movie is not how it coalesces with other languages, nor how it tries to. Sometimes, I literally feel like I am halfway between Full Metal Jacket and Inglourious Basterds at the beginning with Bokeem Woodbine straight up killing it in his monologue and delivery. He really is a talent. That being said, this movie is filled with great actors from Jovan Adepo in the lead role, John Magaro as the fast-talking New Yorker, & Mathilde Ollivier as the flame-throwing German badass. But I think the pony goes to Wyatt Russell (yes, that is Kurt Russell's son named after his part in Tombstone) who completely dominates the screen at any time. He did not fall far from the tree. That is a fact.
J.J. Abrams produced this movie, so a lot of credit tends to go to him for this flick, but I will give a huge nod to both writer Billy Ray known for his work on Captain Phillips and Hunger Games, as well as director Julius Avery, who I believe had an incredible vision that was fulfilled almost perfectly. A few things that kept it from being perfect was not the execution though.
Movies like this cannot be perfect. They just cannot. But this one was done so well, you forget about all the nonsense going on, you focus a little less on the bullshit, & you have a fantastic time watching this callback to ‘ye olde drive-in’ movies. It’s not even the timing. It’s just the entire plot! I mean, maybe it is perfect. I don’t know. The gore is completely up to par and the acting is top notch, as well as I said about the execution of the film. If you have the time this month, I would suggest checking this one out on whatevs streaming format you can find.
Is it good for grandma? Nope. But rarely the movies I review ever are. So there.
3.5 out of 5
MANDY (2019)
a review by Evan Landon
When I did my review on Color Out Of Space, I mentioned how it was compared to this mesmerizing film by writer/director Panos Cosmatos & felt the need to speak on this highly divisive film. The similarities don't just end with both being cosmic horror films starring Nicolas Cage & utilizing vivid colors, but both were co-produced by Elijah Wood! I love that dude more & more every day, I gotta tell ya.
Cosmatos came onto the scene back in 2010 with Beyond the Black Rainbow, a science fiction horror film that I would also like to review, and his way of filmmaking is unlike anything I have ever seen before. It is not so much a movie as it is an experience. That could have something to do with the acid I took when I watched it, but then I went back & watched it again minus the hallucinogenics. Samesies. His father, George P. Cosmatos, is also a very well known director for his work on Rambo: First Blood Part II, the Villainous Cinema-adored deep sea science fiction horror flick Leviathan, & a tiny, little, critically-acclaimed American Western called Tombstone. Little Panos first cut his teeth in the industry as second unit video assist operator on that one.
For anyone who is highly involved in the horror community, or even the indie movie scene, the well-initiated are very aware how polarizing this film is. To one who thinks the movie is genius, there is one who thinks it is complete trash. Not every movie or artist has that kind of effect on the viewer. Think Marylin Manson of the movie realm; there really is no middle ground when it comes to an opinion.
The movie really is like 2 movies in one, sort of like From Dusk Til Dawn where half way thru the film, it completely shifts tonally into a different film. The first part of this movie has a very 1980's metal album cover art feel. It is even set off with the King Crimson tune, "Starless", which gives the viewer an overall feel for the score and visuals that accompany the story. The rest of the astoundingly concise soundtrack was fulfilled by the Icelandic composer, Jóhann Jóhannsson, who also did work on James Marsh's Stephen Hawking biopic The Theory Of Everything & Darren Aronofsky's allegorical psychological thriller Mother!. It's this music video-esque vibe that really sets the film apart, also making it incredibly polarizing for the audience.
I won't spoil too much because that would be wrong, but this movie is very contentious: some think that the entire first act is thrown away for a more stylistic approach. I, myself, find the contrast much more interesting than not throwing all caution into the wind. I also think the entire movie was one giant fever dream from Cosmatos that plays out in real time with the correct amount of poise, artistic relevance, & poise a trippy ass nostalgic film one would only grasp.
It is one of a kind & should be viewed by any horror fan at least once. Like I said, however, the movie is very divisive with some calling it brilliant and those who don't calling it garbage. I think you know where I stand here, but make your own decision & fill out your comment cards below.
I will say this though: I never knew how bad I always wanted a chainsaw fight on acid before this movie. I have never felt so fulfilled.
5 out of 5