Asteroid City (2023)
a review by Evan Landon
“You can't wake up if you don't fall asleep...”
I do enjoy Wes Anderson flicks. I really do. They have an artistic quality that is almost so synonymous, it should be it's own word; like “Orwellian” or “Kubrickian”... “Andersonian”? By the way, why haven't we had a Wes Anderson & Nicolas Cage team up?! Holy shit, that would write itself!
That being said, I am not entirely sure where that this would line up in my favorite Wes Anderson flicks. Maybe I will make that list someday, but that's not why I am writing this review. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why I write reviews, but it is something I do anyways.
I kind of hesitated putting this on my “Bestest” or “Worstest” lists of 2023 for a few reasons:
I did not watch it yet.
I kind of knew where it was gonna go, as far as the plot was concerned.
I knew it was gonna be polarizing to say the least. Whenever you get a movie that every pseudo-intelligent “cinemaphile” adores, I am usually the first one to roll my eyes, but I think everyone kinda does that when that happens. Being a pretentious dickhead that certain websites will give $20 for their opinion does not give you clout any in my mind, nor any sane person who actually cares about what they consider art nouveau is.
I'm not going to go into that kinda rant like now, so I'm going to focus on Asteroid City, to which I can lazily say Wesley put just as much emphasis on this as he usually does which is about as much work as he puts into most of his work these days. Believe it or not, I think the whole backdrop that he conjured up where it's a stage play of people playing their own characters is actually pretty brilliant. Letting his cavalcade of actors roam with their characters is an easy thing to do, but I think he has been doing coast on this for a while now. He has a comfortable little bubble and he knows how to use it, so I won't get on his case about that even though you should listen to his rants at his production crew that get captured on disc because every movie made after 1930 has sound that is recorded. I promise that he wouldn't speak to any of his actors that way.
This was just garbled and boring for me because I honestly kept being taken out of which character was whom, what their true artifice or endeavor is, nor why I should even care about any of them to begin with. It has truly become “style over substance” for Weslenderson nowadays and I think I'm going to trademark that, or not because I don't really care about his movies that much anymore.
It's not his best work, but not his worst either and while it’s not the best movie I saw from last year, it’s not the worst either. The characters are as quirky as the sets and editing, but like I said, it feels like he is phoning this one in. Confusing in its attempt to be stylish, the whole thing comes off like they are making it up as they go. It’s the definition of “mid”.
2.5 out of 5
Top 10 Worstest Films of 2023
a review by Evan Landon
When I was doing my Top 10 Bestest Films of 2023, there were a bunch of movies I had yet to see; so within my arduous journey, I stumbled upon an equal amount of gems and duds. Not every movie you watch or hear about is going to be amazing (unless a certain vegetable of a certain variety is shelling out $20 per article. I will never get over that), but I like to believe more than 50% of the ones that are lucky enough to be made are worth seeing. So, since I did my Top 10 Bestest Films of 2023, it is only fitting that I gave the lesser other half a what for.
Side Note: this list will be a lot like any other review I do because I am not going to mention any of the movies I did not actually watch. I only talk about movies I have seen and the movies I have seen are ones I wanted to watch, so there will be NO dog piling on any big budget movies because my lame ass is on a budget. It hurts to rank these because I honestly either wanted these movies to be good or they just missed the mark horrifically bad or not bad enough. I also decided not to put any other movies from this year that I have already reviewed.
Here are my Top 10 Worstest Films of 2023:
10) IT'S A WONDERFUL KNIFE – It's really going to be sad when the whole genre of holiday slashers goes away when we both know that the holiday slasher movies are NEVER going away! If they started 40 some odd years ago with “Black Christmas”, there will be no shortage of these films for the next 40 years, at least. It's kind of like a woke Canadian version of “Happy Death Day” with the main premise being “It's a Wonderful Life” (get it..?), but a slasher flick. It's so confusing in its plot and drab dialogue that you wonder if they were just making it up as they went along. You will see a lot of that in this list.
1.5 Out Of 5
9) COCAINE BEAR – What a shocker that this one did not hit the mark. I mean that! This has all of the qualities that I love and admire: cocaine and a bear who snorts it, then mauls people. What's not to love?! Needless to say, a lot. Another time that an awesome premise falters in storytelling. It is Ray Liotta’s last movie though and they do dedicate it to him, so that could be a saving grace. Maybe. The expectations outweigh most of what my gripes are, but I have a strong feeling that most of it ended up on the cutting room floor because if you have no character development, it ends up being just that: barely a story.
1.5 Out Of 5
8) THE POPE'S EXORCIST – These exorcism movies are really tired and played out tropes. Some are worse than others that have also made this nefarious list, but we will get there soon enough. Believe that! I did go into this one with my bag of popcorn and gummies in high hopes, howevs, after seeing Russell Crowe himself do an interview with The Critical Drinker and thought to myself, “Self, maybe you are being too harsh on these kinda flicks.” Surely enough, I was wrong, so much so that I know Drinker is biting his tongue not to talk about how bad this movie was. There's only one cool part at the end where a person literally explodes, but you can just catch that shit on YouTube. I think it was based on a book? I don't know. It's definitely based. Huge missed opportunity here.
1.5 Out Of 5
7) CHILDREN OF THE CORN – Speaking of worn out tropes, can we stop remaking fucking movies already? It's almost as if every Hollywood executive sees something eye catching and just says, “Oh, I recognize that! Let's slap the same name on it and just recycle the recipe.” There you go. I'm not going to waste any more time on this pile of dogshit. “Children Of The Corn” didn't even really do that well in the first place which is continuously baffling because it has like a dozen sequels.
1 Out Of 5
6) TOTALLY KILLER – Oh wait, I forgot to mention how many “time-travelling-neuvo-slashers” are trying to cash in. Welcome to the genre that shouldn't have existed, nor will ever die. If this gory, I would probably show it to somebody as an introduction horror movie but this lacks not only emotional or character depth that you honestly shouldn't be looking for in dreck like this. I was bated in by Sally Draper, but then remembered the actress was like six when she was in that role, so whatevs. Nothing against her. It is also made by the same that did “Happy Death Day” and “M3GAN”, so that would account for something if everyone else wasn’t trying to beat them to the punch, but this was a chore to watch. My advice is to skip it.
1 Out Of 5
5) LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND – What in the blistering fuck is this shit?! I honestly haven't felt more outrage since the latest Terminator bullshit they tried to feed me a few years ago. This was a novel. I want you to think about this when you're watching it. There is like Academy Award Winners in this; i.e, Julia Roberts, Mahershala Ali, I think Kevin Bacon is in it... Two and a half hours of nonsense directed at people I'm supposed to give a fuck about without any dynamics, acts, or storytelling at any time. Like I said, this is a novel. Think about that when you are watching this.
1 Out Of 5
4) KNOCK AT THE CABIN – I don't want to say all of these movies suck all the time, but at this point you havta wonder what the fuck anyone is thinking getting a movie made by M. Night Shyamalan that is actually worth a shit. I'm sure he's a great guy and all, but seriously, dude. Seriously. This is also an apocalyptic movie that was made from a book that tries their hardest to contain it in fear of conservatives attacking liberals in some of the most inane, ridiculous exposition imaginable. Ron Weasley and Batista are in it too for some unknown reason, but I heard the book was worth reading from a few friends. That makes this another huge miss off something based off a book. I want you to remember that.
1 Out Of 5
3) THE MACHINE – I am fairly sure that Bert Kreischer has me blocked, but if he hasn't yet, let's make this shit happen 2024! I think I got thru the first 3 scenes and decided suicide wasn't an option, so muscled through a few more. It’s based off Bert Kreischer’s made up story about being on some train with his Russian language class and ended up wanted by the Russian mob or some shit. He is the same guy who gives out tickets for people to see him in arenas when no one should or actively knows who he is, then will shit himself on stage to get internet views. No one wants to die over this movie. Please. Just don't watch it.
0.5 Out Of 5
2) EXORCIST: BELIEVER – I told you. I fucking told you there was a worse “exorcism” movie somewhere lurking around. It's a sequel or whatevs, I don't even know or care anymore. Ugggh... Yknow what, I don't care. Watch it. Go ahead. If you have no idea what “The Exorcist” is, or is about, don't watch this shit. Seriously. Just watch the original again, or for the first time, and actually enjoy a decent movie. No this was not a book, but it is based off a based movie that is just basic that maybe this was a book at one time. There's no real gore either. I don't know, I feel like I could write an entire essay about how this abomination should never be stricken from public viewing. It should be used as punishable hot sauce dumped in somebody's eyeballs for thinking this is acceptable for trying to forget what happened last year. You should remember. It's important.
0.5 Out Of 5
1) WINNIE THE POOH: BLOOD & HONEY – I fucking watched this movie. I have never hated my life more than ever watching it. I don't even want to ruin my search history finding out who made it or how much it made. Who gives a shit? They probably are making a sequel. A behind-the-scenes documentary of what these assholes were thinking would probably be more interesting. The kills are as bad as the characters for someone who waited for the rights to get back to public domain to use for God-awful dreck like this. Fuck off, Winnie The Pooh! Quote me. I'm done.
0.5 Out Of 5
Top 10 Bestest Films of 2023
a review by Evan Landon
Welp. Everyone else is doing a Top 10 Films of 2023 and we all know I'm not strong enough to stand up against the trends, so here we are. I would say “again”, but I don't think I've ever done one officially. Strange to start one this year, but maybe that means the inaugural annual Top 10 films of said year will be the Bestest! Maybe I will just call it that.
Before I jump in head first without a paddle, I'll just my own personal guidelines and rules for myself from this point on: I will NOT be grading any movies that I have not seen, nor will I be ranking any big budget movies (which shouldn't be hard because all of them sucked) because a) I probably didn't see them, & b) they don't need any more help.
Here are my Top 10 Bestest Films of 2023:
10) BOY KILLS WORLD – You and I are both are not surprised that this would make my list, however, we probably both thought that it would be much higher. German director Moritz Mohr does a very good job with the batshit insane story that he helped write that lands somewhere between a dystopian opera and a video game, to which the latter is mentioned multiple times. Hell, the character of the “Boy” (yes, that is the main character’s name) has his whole internal monologue in the voice of his favorite arcade game, that also just happens to be the voice of H. Jon Benjamin of Archer fame. The action scenes are really where this movie outdoes itself, so if you are in need of a smash-em-up action flick that you do not have to think about, you could do a LOT worse. Believe me.
3.5 Out Of 5
9) THE KILLER – It has been a while since we have seen anything from David Fincher. I, personally, never saw the only other film he has done in a decade, Mank, but it is rare that I catch any bio pic by anybody. All of his gritty hallmarks are very much on display in this outing, as it closely follows the thoughts and processes that compel Michael Fassbender’s titular character. As an audience, we are witness to how a meticulous hitman hunts down his former employers after a he commits a brutal mistake that in turn impacts those he loves and keeps secret from his cruel world. It is a great movie, but there are some things that are incredibly distracting, like how obsessed The Killer (yes, that is his name) is with listening to absolutely nothing but Morrissey, but that can be overlooked with some excellent action sequences. Not a perfect movie, by any means, but worthy of a watch.
3.5 Out Of 5
8) THANKSGIVING – Let's just say that I've had a very laborious relationship with Eli Roth movies; i.e., “Hostel”, “The Green Inferno”, and “Knock Knock”, but I think he has really turned a page into what he is as a filmmaker with just having fun with the entirety of the concepts he creates. I mean, the idea came from a make believe trailer he made for the Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez hybrid they affectionately called “Grindhouse” to float between “Death Proof” and “Planet Terror” (to which the former, I absolutely adore). Some say this is just another dumb, teeny-bop horror wromp, but this one has its tongue placed firmly in cheek enough to garner at least a few unexpected guffaws. Finally finding his stride between nostalgia, contemporary gore, and dark comedy, this outting has truly benefited the book of Eli.
3.5 Out Of 5
7) AMERICAN FICTION – I am just as surprised as you are that this one made it this high on my list. There is a lot of reasons that this film stuck out for me: a) I have always been a huge fan of Jeffrey Wright. He has a way of making better everything I see him in and that is an awfully difficult thing to do, b) any film that is able to convey the true and arduous task of writing will always capture my attention, and c) the way the film covers the controversial, yet provocative sentiments bestowed, it never comes off preachy or undervalued. First time director Cord Jefferson is able to seamlessly navigate such complex topics of loss, perspective, and societal abnormalities in a way that the audience is a able to identify with. That truly is a gift and this film was a very pleasant surprise. Definitely worthy of a re-watch, if you have already seen it before.
4 Out Of 5
6) THE IRON CLAW – BioPics are never a big thing for me. They are usually Oscar-bait of some kind, so it overplays certain aspects of people’s lives that are usually highly embellished. I know a lot about their history and this was pretty on point. Thinking about the entire trails and tribulations that surrounded the Von Erichs, you have no idea the frenzy that they endured. I am an admitted professional 'rasslin fan and dear god, this story is hard to take in. I won't go too far into it, but this true life tale is difficult to even read much less depicted in a tasteful manner, but for whatevs reason writer/director Sean Durkin is able to translate it to the screen. Also, big time props to Zac Efron, Jeremy Allen White, and Holt McCallany disappearing into these roles so far that they are invisible. That is what I consider “great acting.” The physical aspects of the phenomenal work all four playing the brothers do is truly an accomplishment in itself, so maybe drug test those guys.
4 Out Of 5
5) EVIL DEAD RISE – This one I struggled with, but only because I thought it would be a lot higher in the list. In most cases, any prequel, sequel, reboot, or spinoff of any kind would render me uneasy. That is also why it will not get past numero 4, but that is for a different reason. After watching “The Hole In The Ground” by Irish writer/director Lee Cronin when that came out, I was definitely looking forward to what he would do next. Obviously, the writing comes off nothing more than fan-fiction, but what really salvages this for me is how original of a script and special effects they were able to turn out with their hands already tied. It does give up a lot of story for cheap thrills, but I think the characters are layered enough to withstand that barrage. Going up against a budget of $19 million and recouping $146 million world wide, I doubt this will be that last we see of this wonderful franchise. Might be too gory for some, but when it is THAT good, this cannot be overlooked. Still, it could use some Bruce Campbell, but I feel that way about every movie.
4 Out Of 5
4) JOHN WICK: CHAPTER 4 – I would be remiss if I did not explain how batshit insane every John Wick movie has been since its inception in 2014 by writer Derek Kolstad, and although Kolstad would relinquish writing credits in this high-octane sequel, director Chad Stahelski would return for this fourth installment. What a lot of people don’t know is that Stahleski would build his report with a young Keanu Reeves as his stunt double in The Matrix series some 25 years ago. Donnie Yen portrays another blind martial artist like he did in Rogue One, but this time he uses a pistol instead of the force. Bill Skarsgård turns in another great performance as the french antagonist, Marquis de Gramont, but the fatigue of seeing him in every movie is beginning to set in. Somehow, the John Wick series keeps getting better and better. For as many fight scenes there are in this film, there is something about each one that stands out from the next. The 3 hour run time is a little excessive, but if you think about it as though it is two movies in one, it’s not that bad. They said that this is the final John Wick, but if you believe that, I have a wonderful pyramid scheme to sell you on.
4 Out Of 5
3) TALK TO ME – Where do these YouTubers get off making movies this damn good?! It was probably filmed on an iPhone through on Instagram filter, but you would never notice because the cinematography is almost flawless. Aussie brothers Danny and Michael Philippou scored big in their directorial debut, so you know they are here to stay with their take on the nuevo-horror genre. I know it says that it came out in 2022, but that was at a film festival and I don’t really give a shit about those, so I am taking the worldwide release some 8 months later in 2023. While the gore was less than admirable, that was not the drive of this film. What I was really impressed with was the acting, the story, and the overall execution of such a simple premise, that usually misses the mark, but this was fantastic and deserves all the recognition it has received. What an unexpected hit!
4 Out Of 5
2) INFINITY POOL – Coming into 2023, I really thought this would be the bestest movie of the entire year. I was just a little off because I was not aware of the next two, but this horny little body horror gem from Brandon Cronenberg (son of David) delivered on all fronts for me. Pun definitely intended there. When the gore, effects, acting, and story are hitting on all cylandars at the same time, it takes a certain kind of magic that cannot be taught. Mia Goth continues to spellbind me with every performance and Alexander Skarsgard has absolutely no ceiling as an actor, but I am delighted that it is not his brother Bill this time. Sometimes, I will admit, this movie gets really raunchy (or sexy), so I could see that being an issue for some peeps. However, it is not just done for the sake of it because it accentuates the intricacies of the plot itself. I don’t mind when it is just weird either, but that’s on me. With overblown budgets for dumbass superhero movies that no one gives a fuck about, it is movies like this that truly are not celebrated as much as they should be.
4.5 Out Of 5
1) WHEN EVIL LURKS – What else could it possibly be? When our Monster Fam (yes, it is called that) wound up playing this Argentinian supernatural/psychological body horror over Discord in complete reverence, I had no idea what to expect. What followed was being immediately transported to a world of demons that are so frequent, it seems like an entire country is aware of them and even have laws on how to dispose of them. The Winchesters would have a had a field day, but the problem for everyone in this universe is that The Winchesters aren't around to take care of it the right way. What ensues is a scramble to not only contain an enemy that you cannot see, but can become anyone at any point. Every single scene in this movie is damn good, I could probably rewatch it in my head every single day of the week. There are so many scenes that stick with you that it almost isn’t fair to the viewer. Demián Rugna does a fantastic job of bringing all of this together almost seamlessly without skimping on the character development that truly sells the most macabre parts. I didn't see it in English, so if you hate subtitles, I don't think it even matters because of how visceral it is. That might be its only drawback. It is so damn good, I knew up until the very end that this was my absolute favorite of the year.
4.5 Out Of 5
Silent Night (2023)
a review by Evan Landon
There are a lot of ways to make a holiday movie: i.e., throw a paltry, mundanely realistic title at the beginning of a movie that barely scratches the surface of what a film should suppose to presuppose, then throw in tropes that mean absolutely nothing to the overall feeling of the film itself. It almost becomes a lampoon of the feature that could be seen through a bed sheet of irreverence that only a farcical feature could abide by in order to grant it a pass for its outlandishness, but only because it carries the title of the hallmark, but nothing of the theme.
Is Silent Night such a movie? Well... That's iffy.
I think in its broadest respects, Silent Night harkens back to some of the greatest drive-in, b-movies of old that became instant classics amongst the truly devout. The Rutger Hauer classic Blind Fury comes instantly to mind in this fray, but that is not a holiday movie, even in the least bit.
So... what exactly constitutes a “holiday movie”? Is it because it encapsulates what we all think of when it comes to the movie or series, or is it something deeper? Is it a monicker you throw on a movie that really has zero to little of what the movie is, or is it something that reminds you of themes that seem forgotten?
Silent Night has a strange way of doing both.
The things we consider so categorically of a myth or cultural consideration, what is it that goes beyond the haunting aspect of what we desire, regret, forget, or even bluster? Our eyes are constantly trained on what is and what could be, but not what IS. I think that could be the deepest cut of all; we care more about the image than the intricacy. What passes for something that “is, or could never be” is lackadaisically piled in with “thanks for consideration” or “best wishes”. Is that what we celebrate anything for? Is that what we believe?
This movie posits a very simple question: “What would YOU do?”
The premise that a benign, sullen man that becomes deaf after chasing down his children's killers and killing one of them becomes enraged enough to fight the very spirit of death to anything that could ever stop him. Left for dead, he makes a miraculous return to the land of the living. Thus, after training for 365 days, he comes back to take action against those very killers and exact revenge against his son's death, which does definitely happen.
What's my opinion? Let's let action do the talking. We usually let exposition garner favorability when it comes to how we discern what is acceptable or unacceptable. What makes this movie awesome is this movie has ZERO dialogue! Thus, the name “Silent Night”. Duhr! That takes a lot of effort to pull off something so intriguing and John Woo definitely makes a great return by telling a cohesive and detailed story without any dialogue. Joel Kinneman also served a producer, so you can definitely feel the care and attention that went into this.
All in all, I really enjoyed this movie and am looking forward to many more viewings for Christmases to come to find more things that I definitely missed in the theater.
3.5 out of 5
Fire Island (2023)
a review by Evan Landon
I know what you might be thinking; why would Evan review a gay romantic comedy based on Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice from last year starring Margaret Cho for his latest review? Wouldn't he rather pick a gay, obscure, B-horror film from this year instead? Well, you are in luck because both of those statements are correct... Sort of.
Fire Island is a movie by the same name that came out this year to little or no fanfare or advertising which means almost nobody knows it exists. Hell, I don't even know how I found it, yet here we are.
The plot is a relatively simple one; a gay man goes with a straight and lesbian couple to Fire Island (well known for its gay and lesbian villages) to get his mind off an ex-boyfriend who killed himself during the COVID crisis a few years before. The only catch is that there is a killer on the loose who may or may not have been responsible for the slayings years earlier. YIKES!
Those sound like some pretty good plot points with a lot of promise, right?!
The problem is that instead of spending extra time on the character development, or why any of these characters are worth even giving a shit about, the movie spends its time trying to build tension around a killer who is also not very well fleshed out amidst all the partying and sex that serves to shock more than warrant any danger. The mood shifts so abnormally, you easily forget what kind of movie you are even watching. The death scenes aren't even that memorable (aside from maybe one) and the twist at the end seems very lazy and not at all interesting. But there sure is a lot of fucking! Geez.
The finer points are the acting and the cinematography that you can tell is definitely where this movie’s money was spent. The sound is fine, aside from some editing, and the song the main character plays is fine if you are into that kind of music. It is great to see representation from the LGBTQ community and the plot is definitely interesting enough to attempt, so that isn't at all the problem here. You can have everything look great on paper, but if the story is so flimsy that it disintegrates before your eyes and the characters aren't even strong enough to like or dislike, the movie is going to suck in its execution every time.
I had to look up if this was a Blumhouse movie (it wasn't), but maybe if it was in better hands, it would have been great. Maybe it will get their attention though, so maybe it isn't a total loss. We’ll have to wait and see.
1 out of 5
Bringing Out The Dead (1999)
a review by Evan Landon
I've talked at nauseam about movies that I dislike and maybe should have not been made (to which, by the way, there are so many that it's just smashing low hanging fruit), but that becomes so irritable that I wonder why I even bother reviewing anything. The drab discourse of cinematic failures are so rampant these days that my brain becomes numb after I think about how much money a studio spent on such tepid, high demand, ostentatious droves of pandering to the modern audiences that the entire plot of a movie gets lost on me. That's not a good thing. The love of a great cinematic piece is almost the heart and soul of our very nature to understand meaning in ourselves, our friends, our families, even our livelihoods.
That brings me neatly to the point of the very film I am speaking of, Bringing Out The Dead, a wonderfully shot and crafted little film by a certain Martin Scorsese that could be considered his biggest bomb of all time. How many great films can one man do to where a movie like this one bombs? Goes to show you that not every pitch you are thrown when you come up to bat will be a home run. The endearing part about this one might just be the fact that it wasn't a hit. We put so much emphasis on how much a movie makes for it to be considered “good” when some of the most enjoyable movies are ones that gain a following afterwards. I wouldn't go so far as to say that is what this one is, but I would definitely put it up for consideration as a next cult classic.
The plot is a relatively simple one: a paramedic named Frank (played by the ghostly visage of one Nicolas Cage) is so strung out from bringing in every sort of patient in Manhattan that he sees the ghost of the first of many botched resuscitations, Rose, and descends into madness from insomnia, depression, uppers, downers, and a host of partners that will drive him to the next stop which could just be his last glimmer of sanity. Simple, right? Hehehe...
The greatest part of such a story like this is how each actor paints this mosaic with their own tools: John Goodman is his first partner who are called to a cardiac arrest patient whom Frank finds a strange infatuation with his daughter played by Patricia Arquette named Mary, Ving Rhames who plays a very religious yet equally off-kilter paramedic who drinks on the job, and Tom Sizemore in probably my favorite role he ever played as the one partner nobody wants to ride with. There are also a slew of actors that elevate this film, but no one as much as Cliff Curtis who plays a drug dealer that Mary depends upon. I had to mention that because he really stands out.
With a kicking soundtrack and lighting to accompany this drug-induced take on the Joe Connelly novel of the same name, you can almost feel the exhaustion and defeat from Nicolas Cage in only a way that he can. Throw Martin Scorsese in there and you have a movie, my friend. It just seems a little incoherent at times, but again, maybe that is its endearing quality.
At a budget of $32 million and only pulling in $16.8 million, it just goes to show that movies are not always a success on name recognition alone, but that does not make it a bad movie.
3.5 out of 5
5 Nights at Freddy’s (2023)
a review by Evan Landon
Let's just start off with this: LOL
I fucking love it when those big budget movies get taken down by a low to mid-budget horror movie. Gone are the days when just because you light your money on fire in front of the audience that they will show up in droves to watch what can only be described by Martin Scorcese as “theme parks” and “not cinema” to which I completely agree.
Let's not start considering this one any better just yet though. It is definitely more of an amusement park ride than any Transformers or Marvel movie could possibly hold a light to Goodfellas or The Departed on. Why? Let's break that down then, shall we...
Five Nights at Freddy's is a pc game from 2014 that spurned from a christian, family-friendly game called “Chipper & Sons Lumber Company” where the characters scared the players because they looked like “scary animatronic animals” and the developer, Scott Cawthorn, had a brilliant idea to make a scary horror game using the same algorithm. Genius level shit, right there.
Carrying on for three more games, the game focused on a security guard who finds himself working overnight at a Showbiz Pizza or Chuck E. Cheese knock-off called “Freddy's Fazbear's Pizza” featuring animatronic animals playing songs for children whilst eating subpar pizza, sodas, and playing 8-bit arcade games. I was a Showbiz Pizza kid, myself. It was the first time I had been introduced to dry ice because some of the savvy motivated personnel decided to leave it out for a 4 year-old to pick up. Let's just say that it didn't go very well, but it probably had more gore than Five Nights at Freddy's did.
For a point and click computer game, you never got any character development; instead, if you were not paying attention to how close the evil animatronics were approaching the security room via monitors, you would get run up on with a wonderful jump scare. We see a lot more movies based on video games these days which could be the next biggest fad since comic book movies do not seem to have the same appeal that they used to, but one thing that has always hindered that genre has been the writing. You can see how difficult it was to come up with a story for Double Dragon when all you got from the game was a girl gets captured, then you and your brother go around kicking random people. It's up to a writer or team of writers to fill in the blanks while staying true to whatever that game was even about.
That brings me to my biggest gripe about this movie: the plot. Like I said, there isn't really one from the game to destroy, but the one they shoehorned in tries too hard and not hard enough which is almost admirable in its failure. The characters are so dry to where the writers want you to care about them just for the fact that it's a story about a dysfunctional family dynamic that an older brother is going to lose custody of his sister if he can't hold down a job because their aunt wants the custody payments. To be honest, with the age difference and stakes, it would have made more sense if it was his daughter. His career counselor then sends him to be a security guard at Freddy's, there is a mysterious cop who may or may not be letting on what she knows, and some kids who the aunt hires to break in just for a body count that makes no sense either to round out the actors. Matthew Lillard and Mary Stuart Masterson are completely unrecognizable and wasted on this.
Yeah, that's really all I wish to remember about it.
Again, I think it's great to see a low budget movie like this one fair better than The Flash, The Marvels, Ant-Man: Quantumania, or Indiana Jones: Dial of Dysentary, but I would have felt the same way if it was any movie that didn't spend over $200 million dollars instead of giving either what fans want or have some weird agenda hiding behind those dollar signs.
Congrats to Jason Blum and director Emma Tammi for pulling in over $200 million against a $20 million budget and it's still in theaters! That's a success any way you spell it.
2 out of 5
The Sadness (2021)
a review by Evan Landon
Oh man... Where do I start with this one?
I guess I should start by stating that this is one the most extreme horror movies of our time. If the X-Rating was still around, it would definitely fall under that category. I am surprised they didn't even break out the oft used NC-17 for this gory masterpiece, but because it was made in Taiwan it earned a NR rating which means “Not Rated” which really isn't even a rating if you think about it. It's basically the existential version of a rating, but I'm not a big fan of rating systems anyways. Fuck it. Moving on.
The Sadness is a 2021 Taiwanese body horror film, although it almost could be compared to a zombie flick, directed by Canadian filmmaker Rob Jabbaz in his feature film debut. Yes, he is a Canadian, so it almost begs the question of how he was not able to make it there. It was screened in Switzerland and Canada before it was released to American audiences via Shudder. I am sure they will never show it on AMC even though they do own the Shudder application because they would probably only be able to show 5 minutes of it.
If this was made 40 or 50 years ago, this would definitely be in a drive-in theater or the back row of Blockbuster in the 90's which is not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, that is usually where I would find my faves, so I will actually give that a thumbs up where other critics would pan it. We hardly ever agree on anything though because I am not paid to change my opinions, nor which movie I want to talk about. Go huff a post, Dwight Brown.
I wont go into gritty details about the movie, but let's just say some of these events must be seen to fully understand how depraved they are. There is one scene that is notorious in our horror film Discord group (which is whom I watched this with over livestream for the first time) and if you don't have an awesome watch-a-long group yourself, I suggest you find one because it is some of the most fun you can have watching movies with others. Feel free to make your own and send me the usual invite. I might show up. Either way, if you ever look up what scene it is, you will see it is definitely the first one that comes up. If you know, you know!
I usually go on about plot lines, underlying tones, nuances, and shit like alliteration to really understand, but there really is not a whole lot of that. Never let story get in the way of a good movie!
At ninety-nine minutes, The Sadness is a little difficult to figure what the profit was against expenditure, but I am not as worried about that as I am that this movie may be banned everywhere sometime soon – so see it now before it's gone.
This one is NOT for the weak of stomach! That's the only warning I will give.
3 out of 5
COBWEB (2023)
a review by Evan Landon
Let me get this shit off my chest right now...
FUCK ROTTEN TOMATOES!!!
I'm not going to lie and say that every once in a while, we will agree on some unknown indie film like Lucky or The Lighthouse, but even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while. $50 to sell your fucking soul to a movie you haven't even seen yet is laughable. I knew those motherfuckers were crooked, but now we all know their dirty little secrets since the truth is FINALLY out. They can sit on a screwdriver & figure out which way it turns that works best for them for all I care. Could you imagine if they gave me $50 to not bad mouth them? I'd take it & do it anyways. Fuck em.
This brings me to my point about a little movie that came out a month or two ago called Cobweb that was panned by “critics” because they didn't get their hands greased enough by websites or publications like Washington Post, Rotten Tomatoes, or even the trash heap called Huffington Post. I don't think they really advertised this one in the right way either because I honestly did not even hear about it until it was already out of the theaters. It was produced by Roy Lee who also produced Barbarian, so that might have something to do with it. It is also produced by Seth Rogan and Evan Goldberg, but I can overlook that for now.
The plot of Cobweb is fairly simple: a shy, sheltered 8 year-old boy, who is constantly bullied at school, tries to figure out what the constant knocking inside the walls is in his home are, unveiling a dark secret his parents have been hiding his entire life. Is it an original concept? Hardly. The question is “what makes this premise work?” The answer might surprise you.
Simplicity.
The simple things in stories are mostly overlooked or overstated. To find a happy medium, it takes a director who knows how to either completely understand what the writer is going for or is merely linked up with the right people behind the scenes. This is Samuel Bodin's directorial debut and works incredibly alongside Chris Thomas Devlin who also wrote the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie. The less said about that one, the better, but Cobweb ended up on Hollywood's “Black List” being one of the best unproduced films in 2018, so the promise was definitely there!
What really works is the way the lighting bounces off of the walls, almost reminiscent of F.W. Murnau and his work in Nosferatu, as well as the open area shots of the pumpkin patch, that give you a feeling of claustrophobia in a strange way utilizing all that open space to almost feel like you are closed in.
*Spoiler alert* You will be as perplexed as I was with how many damn pumpkins there are in this. There are A LOT! I mean, literally, an entire lot.
Most of the credit has to go to the acting though. It is great seeing Lizzy Caplan doing her thing because she truly is an underrated actress. I especially liked her in Now You See Me 2 and Mean Girls which I have already done a review of. I don't recall seeing Anthony Starr in anything besides The Boys, but if you have ever seen his acting before, you know he can pull off an ominously creepy dude. Woody Norman does a great job portraying their child to which he will probably get a lot more attention for. The real kicker is the actor who plays the bully from school (who gets his just desserts btw) is Gary Busey's son, Luke Busey. Yessir, you read that correctly; 13 year-old Luke Busey is the son of 79 year-old Gary Busey. I'll let you do the math.
It is weird that they did a limited release last July instead of October because it takes place during Halloween , but maybe they didn't think it would do very well. I don't know. There are rumblings that they will do a national release for the holidays, but if it is anything like the measly $5.7 million against a $35 million budget it does not look like that will make it a bigger hit. It is pretty damn good though, in my opinion. There are some decent jump scares, but it is the overall creepiness of it that sells it for me and atmosphere is highly underrated, especially in movies like this.
3.5 out of 5
Heart of Stone (2023)
a review by Evan Landon
I don't think I can begin a review of this movie without starting off with its protagonist portrayed by Gal Gadot to whom everyone has their own opinions on. We can get into that a little bit further into this review, but for the most part, I think it's important to put that caveat here where we separate the actress from the character and story she is meant portray. Unless you were expecting me to come right out of the gates slamming this movie later, let's start with the latter first.
Upon seeing the trailers for this straight to Netflix action adventure flick, it reminded me of such female kickass secret agent flicks as Atomic Blonde or Aeon Flux. I am also a big fan of earlier movies it reminded me of such as The Long Kiss Goodnight and Le Femme Nikita, but for my money those had a bit more character depth than the other two relying on storytelling as opposed to overwrought action sequences. Also, see my review on The Old Guard which carries a lot of the same style, but is more like a comic book than this one. Needless to say, we are not treading new grounds here.
That being said, it almost seems that this one delves a bit more into the secret agent part reminding me more of the James Bond or Mission: Impossible franchises which in turn makes it highly profitable if it turns a lot of heads.
To break down the plot, we are introduced to an MI6 team sent to infiltrate a group of exclusive elite fuckwads who are betting on a live-streamed U.S. Marines combat operation. The plan is to take the arms dealer involved in it and disappear into the night. Welp, as you would expect, the whole plan goes haywire & the entire group has to switch to Plan B, which also goes to complete shit, & the poor inept analyst has to drop her facade as a listless MI6 analyst & show the crew who she really is – THE Rachel Stone, THE 9 o' Hearts, who works for the super duper undercover group called “The Charter”. He ends up being an intel that gives up another intel until he gives up another until it just stops making any fucking sense.
But, hey, what kind of action movie were you expecting?
There are so many twists and turns in this bad girl to make your head spin, wondering which character is which, which one is alive, perhaps why should I give a fuck about any of these people, & it dawned on me – I don't. To be honest, it feels more like a three-part mini series that Netflix shrunk down into a movie that could have been done even shorter. I wouldn't say better, but shorter.
I won't say anything bad about Gal Gadot. I think she does some great things for the humanitarian corporations, resources, & building what she can for non-profit organizations with her money. I really do. That is all I am going to say about her & I do admire that part of her so much.
Heart of Stone, however, seems almost like a benchmark in today's cinema, but not for the reasons you would think; if going back to hyper-action nonsense against great storytelling, guess again. What this movie does is serve to the fans that they don't give a shit if it's a man or a female, a dog or a cat, a fig or a frog. They want entertainment, dammit, & if you do not give it – they will provide.
2.5 out of 5
UNSEEN (2023)
a review by Evan Landon
Ahhhh Blumhouse Productions. The cornerstone of true cinematic brilliance, offering such arthouse classics as Jem & The Holograms, Rock “The Dwayne” Johnson's Tooth Fairy, the Fantasy Island remake no one asked for, & all of those new non-Rob Zombie Halloween movies. Don't ever change, Jason Blum. I love you.
So this masterpiece focuses on a young woman (who has eyesight so bad, she is legally blind) named Emily who has been drugged & kidnapped by her ex-bf. We find out later that this guy is a know-it-all, TED talk guru named ehhhhh.. “Who-the-fuck-cares”, who is apparently psychotic and wants to kill his ex-gf. To be perfectly honest, after the first 15 minutes, I don't really blame him. Oh, & there is a chubby, suicidal gas station attendant who she accidentally calls because she cannot see what number she is calling. It's even harder to call the gas station attendant a likable character because the dialogue gives nothing except that as her character. I honestly had to look up who that actress was because I swear, I thought it was the same one that played Rose in those awful Star Wars sequels. *Spoiler alert – it was not.
Q: How many movies can I unsee?
A: Not this one, apparently.
The dialogue is droll, the acting is subpar, and I really hope they didn't think filming in a lot behind someone's house was the greatest idea. There is no character depth, besides semi-blind Emily (I only say this because it's the only line on the other end frantically saying her name in the entire scope of acting the other girl has) stumbling around in the forest talking to Non-Rose about what she would rather be doing with her time. That may be the most honest acting you will get in this movie aside from Missi Pyle, who has an inherent ability to steal every scene she is in, as a stuck up, entitled gold digger that talks a lot of shit to the gas station attendant that Emily just happens to cold call and proceeds to do everything except add something to the plot.
This is film debut for director Yoko Okumura who after seeing her picture and things she leaves on social media is probably why she cast “Not-Rose” in the part. You can't really get mad at a newcomer's first outing, but my brain is struggling to figure out what she saw in this script to take on.
Unseen was released digitally over MGM and Paramount streaming platforms, so it is difficult to get the numbers on production or how it performed. It did get relatively positive reviews, but I rarely pay attention to that. Most of the time I don't agree with what any “film critic” thinks because I like to form my own opinions; every once in a while, we agree. Unfortunately, this is not one of those times.
1 out of 5
RONIN (1998)
a review by Evan Landon
Robert De Niro. Isn't that enough?!
Rewind back to 1998, please. A young man (who lovingly loves the cinema so much that his first job was at a movie theater in the mall) wanders into a film starring very well-known actors, not knowing shit about said movie, then walks out with a huge smile on his face because of the amazing acting, filmography, & insane car chase scenes that he had never seen before, or thought could be made, thusly changing the way he thought of how action crime drama films could be made again. *spoiler alert – that kid was me ;)
To put the movie “Ronin” into words is a little difficult because I simply just grew up on this one. With no hyperbole, I can say that it is very easily one of the only movies I have seen dozens of times over the course of my life that I can put on or catch on MGM & still sit there dumbfounded at how astoundingly awesome it is. I had no idea what the word “ronin” meant before seeing this movie, so when I did find out, I was even more enamored with it even though it took me a long time to guess how it had anything to do with the plot. Maybe that is apart of its appeal to me though; so much of this movie is less told through exposition to be spelled out for you to where you are able to coalesce the events in the movie, understanding it on the idiom that something simple is just as complicated. The entire plot is based around a MacGuffin, for fucks sake! If you don't know what that means, you should prob look that one up because you might be on the wrong page...
Now BEFORE I get too much into the groundbreaking car chases that this film is known for, I will speak a bit on the cast in this overlooked gem:
~ Robert de Niro stars as “Sam”, an ex-CIA agent looking for a next paycheck to which we see as our main protagonist in this story, even though we know absolutely nothing about him aside from the fact that he is highly skilled, experienced, & very charismatic.
~ Jean Reno revises his typecast role as a French assassin named “Vincent” & serves as the closest thing to a trusted companion one can have in a group of unknown mercenaries.
~ Jonathan Pryce is magnificent in what little screen time he has as a disgraced IRA splinter cell operative “Seamus” (aside from the terrible accent) who tasks...
~ Natasha McElhone, an enigmatic Irish handler “Diedre” who hires this motley crew of outcast specialists. I really enjoyed her in this; it's a shame we don't see much more of her these days.
~ Stellan Skarsgard portrays a German computer specialist, “Gregor” whose ties go back to the KGB. This was my first experience of this amazing actor to which he has yet to let me down.
~ Sean Bean plays an English weapons specialist named “Spence” in one of the funniest roles I have ever seen him play. He actually lives in this one, but he might as well have died anyways because he isn't in the film very long.
~ Skipp Sudeth rounds out the cast as “Larry”, the team's designated driver. Not the most prolific actor, especially in this ensemble, but does most of his own driving in the film.
Speaking to the driving, this movie is most well known for the car chase scenes that director John Frankenheimer wanted to recreate from movies such as The French Connection by William Friedkin & Bullitt by Peter Yates. What is interesting about that is Frankenheimer directed The French Connection II the follow up to the very movie that inspired the car chase for this film.
The screenplay was written by newcomer John David Zeik, who got the idea after reading the novel Shogun and spending time in Nice, France, & playwright David Mamet, who went uncredited after his bad experience with the film Wag The Dog. Cinematographer Robert Fraisse made great use of wide angle lenses in both the interior shots to show the claustrophobic, boxed-in aspect of the group & the exterior to show the overall carnage that is felt throughout the city as it is destroyed in the ensuing chaos.
I guess what really makes this movie works is how flawlessly it is woven together through the storytelling involving little to no exposition; the characters are so rich & layered, yet nothing is known about their back stories aside from a few obscure lines. Like I always say, “never let the plot get in the way of a good story”. My only gripe is that it is left with loose ends which I would be remised to say it reeks of lackadaisical storytelling, but to me it works just fine, in this instance.
Despite its mostly positive reviews, Ronin only cleaned up $70.7 million worldwide against a $55 million budget making it moderately successful. It has since gained a larger audience over streaming & home video media giving it a greater status as a cult classic.
4.5 out of 5
FALL (2022)
a review by Evan Landon
What a beautiful way to capture the last article I did about “nuances” because Holy FUCK! I was not let down! (no pun intended) FALL is super fucking awesome, on all levels. Fortuitous, in all of its measures, it reads as a cautionary tale of our own inhibitions vs actual physics.
Don't get me wrong, these are perfectly scripted nuances that has nothing to do with anything else, except for fandom, grieving, & our own sense of discourse that could quite run more an more rampant once one is given into. The spider webs loosely shaking & rusty nails unbolting are more than enough to let you know that they are in complete shit now.
I really would rather not spend the rest of this time talking about anything that could give this movie away, but it entirely rests on our two actors knocking it out of the park. The show of fear, stupidity, exoneration, & diligence is on complete display in this flick is almost unmatched for such a small film on a shoestring budget with very little advertisement by Lionsgate Films which is why it only made $21.8 million against a $3 million budget.
Pacing: Great.
Archetypes: Irrelevant
Story: An adventurous couple love to climb & one of them falls off when the other tells to untether them. A year later, her friend who was climbing with them asks to come on another climb to get more followers & said friend out of sad space because man this girl is a fucking wreck! Thus, they could FALL!
Given the use of drones & a cast of 4 (yes, 4) & I think this film is more than able to accomplish way more than it should. There really is only one enemy: to FALL.
Now whether or not you have gotten to this part of the review, I think its important that we all understand what these “nuances” are more like “Where Is Your Ladder?” & nothing more than a survival thriller that immerses you to the point that you are experiencing with it & the characters whether or not they are from “a male or female” category. Doesn't matter. Astounding acting by Grace Caroline Curry & Virginia Gardner.
Needless to say, FALL is pretty fucking awesome. Check it out.
4 Out of 5
The Dead Zone (1983)
a review by Evan Landon
Nuances are subtle.
Back in my day (shut up), films would utilize nuance in a flattering way to convey a story within the utterly confining aspects of ambiguity. Nowadays, nuances are close to nil with exposition reigning king. Don't get that twisted, exposition is definitely important to sharpening the edges & defining what a good story needs to allow an audience to be right there with the characters of the story. I give exposition as much as a hard time as anybody, but gone are the days of Hemingway displaying a well-written exposition that allows the reader to formulate what happens in their own heads without given a background, race, sex, or timeframe that would allow supposition & clues to use imagination for the premise & sometimes even an ending. Instead, we get a batman telling us he us punched a bad guy thru a fucking wall. Yeah, I know. We just saw it, dickhead.
Well, brace yourselves folks, because I watched a very underrated film from 1983 made by David Cronenberg starring a young Christopher Walken based off a book made 4 years earlier written by Stephen King called The Dead Zone. Ever heard of it? Let's jump in then, shall we..?
The story begins with our main character, Johnny Smith (paying no expense on making him an every man in nomenclature, I'm sure), who is a charming school teacher & is an unassuming, stand-up guy with a girlfriend who is a co-worker that have yet to do the deed, yet still wish to get married. Welp, unfairly for our protagonist never gets to have his beautiful day because on the way home from dropping off said girlfriend, he barrels into an 18 wheeler full of milk and ends up in a coma for 5 years. With his job gone, his girlfriend now married to someone else, Johnny Boy is given something that cannot be taken away: Psychic Abilities!
I won't get too far into spoilers because this movie does a great time doing itself. Essentially, which should be an anthology gives way to breaks in the narrative, but is somehow well thought out through the torment of a man going thru a trauma none have ever heard of, but he is now sought out for it.
If you have read the book or seen the movie, you already know what happens. Disclaimer: I have never thought predicting the future was cool. I mean, the tv show “Psych” made it cool, but imagine the burden of actually being a fucking psychic & merely acting like it are insane!
David Cronenberg really does work backwards in style the way he did with Nightbreed or even Crash as to not give too much body horror, yet enough to actually give you a decent scare. Of course, this was 4 years before the movie was made that Stephen actually written this one. What we get, essentially, is an anthology movie brought together thru a worthwhile protagonist named “Johnny” who really was burdened with psychic powers. But at what cost?
Set this one against an incredible score by Michael Kamen & yeah, it should not have only made 20 mill against a 7 mill budget, but hey... you wanted a cult classic!
On paper, this one would be my schtick... Congrats, 'tis.
3.5 out of 5
Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery (2022)
a review by Evan Landon
The name is Leghorn. Foghorn Leghorn.
Seriously, what in the living fuck is this movie even about? It's like a stage play that went horrifically wrong after the first act which I did begrudgingly find somewhat whimsical. I guess in a lot of ways, you have to break down the characters, as this is a character driven film. I mean, it has to be because this plot is so thin you could walk through it.
Let's start with Daniel “I Say, I Say Non-Blonde-Bond, What's Goin On” Craig trying his hardest to leave his old franchise behind despite the fact that it is the role that put him on the map. Don't get that twisted because I am all for anyone in the entertainment industry trying something new, but it is apparent that this is the franchise he dusted the old one for which makes me want to become an ostrich and stick my fucking head in a hole in the ground. Also, Benoit Blanc is no Hercule Poirot, in case you see the likely comparison.
Then there is a whole slew of non-distinct characters that any community stage play actor could pull off, but gives it to Hollywood regs who you can easily tell how big of hacks they actually are. There is:
Boo-tista
Goldie Prawn
Girl from Daredevil..?
The Not-So-Incredible Bulk
Hillary Simpson
Half & Half
Whiskey
Aaron Burr
I guess good ole Wreck-It Rian decided that he would take the Kenneth Branaugh approach to Agatha Christie novels minus one Armie Hammer (the less said about that, the better) which only postulates why The Last Rian thinks he has a more contemporary take on film noir that completely misses the mark. His first film Brick was well-written and very creative to the point that I could almost see Hollywoodland giving him the reigns on, however has completely disgraced every single movie put in front of him since. Just go back to making Mountain Goats music vids, mon frer.
This film is a complete exercise of “style-over-substance” to which any out of work actor would jump at because it takes little to no work to go through the motions. I would love to tell you whom the killer is, but it really doesn't matter because it is solved in the first act. What continues is a farcical repose of convoluted bullshit that has little or nothing to do with anything.
I did like this more than its predecessor, so I gotta look at what I gave that. Here we go.
2.5 out of 5
The Batman (2022)
a review by Evan Landon
Before my time, Batman was on the television with campy noises, colorful characters, and was a hit even though it obviously did not take itself anywhere near seriously. Then Tim Burton gave us the “Dark Knight” version popularized by Frank Miller in the 80’s to which he in turn made the sequel even darker. Then it got really bright again! Then it got dark again. Now it is so damn dark, I could not even tell you what was happening even if I was able to stay awake for the 3 goddamn hours of this thing, so let’s just jump into it, shall we? Okay…
In 1998, a young man named Matt Reeves happily co-created a show called Felicity with a yet-to-be-famous young man named J.J. Abrams (no pun intended). Meeting for the first time when they were 13 years-old, the tandem started off transferring Super 8 films to video tape for one Steven Spielberg after airing some of their short films on Z-Channel, a public access network in Los Angeles circa 1981. The pair would soon amicably go their separate ways as to have careers of their own with the latter garnering more attention in Hollywood, but Reeves had his own plan: the Planet of the Apes remakes (not the Tim Burton one, but the sequels..? Not sure if those are sequels tbh)! He also directed the English version of the Swedish hit Let The Right One In called Let Me In, which should show us all where this highly-creative mind lies. Thus, an original darker take on the darker knighter version of “The Batman”.
Let's not beat around the bush here; this movie is soooooooo fucking looooooooooooong... Ugh. Like 3 hours long. No, seriously. Now, if you are good at math like I am, that is a total of 3 hours of total your life you will never get back. Unfortunately for me, I have seen this movie 3 times & fallen asleep every single time, so I think I have maybe seen 6 hours of it. However, here is what I have pieced together:
Batman/Bruce Wayne is just starting out as a brooding, sad, privileged, novice ninja/detective with a passion for justice.
The Riddler is a Saw-esque serial killer who merely wants to take out the 1% (i.e. Bruce Wayne)
The Penguin is very well done by Colin Farrell, but you could have just hired a stage actor from New York City instead of all the prosthetics.
The Catwoman is one Zoe Kravitz playing the Eartha Kitt version of the titular character popularized most recently by Halle Berry, minus the celebrity entitlement, of course.
This movie is basically the amalgamation of 3 movies in one, thus the 3 hour long episodes that barely connect, thus my falling asleep for 3 hours.
The problems with The Batman are not as simple as breaking down how characters should or would be framed, yet how nonstructural are denounced. It even lacks enough exposition to draw any cohesion as far as a plot would benefit from, so we are to infer most of what is happening from what we already know about these characters. All too subtle nuances aside, the film lacks any pacing, but instead drags on and on like a spool of yarn that never seems to end. If you asked “Bruce Wayne” how he felt about the crepe Gollum (yes, that is Andy Serkis) gave him, he would snarl & possibly cry in the corner for idk.. let us say 5 hours. This would easily elapse the run time.
What is truly lacking from this film is a sense of background of character. Our protagonist is not just an angry, entitled slave to his memories, he is a juxtaposed version of an emo goth “going-thru-a-phase” to which case borders on insecurity & rage. I kept waiting to see his mascara run just a bit.
Not My Batman.
Let's take Michael Keaton. He will be reprising his role as Batman after a long tenure of not taking roles that a Val or a George would choose. But why? He has already solidified himself as an incredible actor that not only is able to make fun of himself, yet somewhat notable for it. Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) comes to mind. As harrowing as that is, let us look at the newest problem the Detective Comics Expanded Universe has in store for us (FYI: I will just be calling it the DCEU for short from this day forward).
Let's talk about Ezra Miller & the new Flash movie... Actually, no. Let's not.
The DCEU has been putting out movies that are as confusing as the construct: Q: is this a light-hearted romp or a dark, grisly thriller? The problem with The Batman is not only befuddlement of nuances, but categorically inane. Is he actually a hero or just someone going thru emotions as a teen? Is The Batman a guest star in his own movie or do the villains actually procure more? Further more, why did this movie serve as Benedryl during a fire drill..?
All are questions that may or may never be asked bc “The Batman” is a putrid film that stocks its praises upon weak-minded fanboys & anyone else who decides 3 hours of their life just ain't worth it.
FACT: I literally bursted out laughing when the dipshit police let a man dressed like that into a full-on crime scene after that murder. The entire audience shushed me, I chuckled once again, then I fell asleep. Again.
2 out of 5
Who Invited Them (2022)
a review by Evan Landon
Yes, I should be writing one of my scathing reviews on The Batman, or The Menu, or even the follow up to Glass Onion: The Knives Out Debacle, but instead I watched a movie called, Who Invited Them in the meantime (& yes, I did try my bestest to keep all punctuation correct). Ugggghhh… so, where to start?
Premise? Or what passes for it...? Okay. A couple moves into a home, invite neighbors over, but they are not what they seem. Chaos ensues. Not a very novel approach, I know. But, is it groundbreaking? Naw man. Fuck no. It is much, much more boring than that.
This is a movie made in 2022 that is difficult to describe, so I will put it bluntly: for an intriguing premise (hahahaha), this one falls way too short of the hash mark. Kinda made me stop what I was doing because I did not know how to convey my thoughts. So yeah. Here the fuck we are.
The problem with this movie, as interested as I was for the sustaining run time, there are no acts. There is no story, nor character arcs to latch onto; aside from the fact that the people you are rooting for are almost (if not as bad) as the antagonists (which superfluously gives way to the betrayal of a final act that insultingly made me wish to vomit in my mouth) are respectively the more engaging characters, that is, until the bitter end of this travesty of a film. No, I think my vomit would have been tastier, given the sushi that I ate.
I think writer/director Duncan Birmingham (killer name btw) had himself a bad night once & decided to blow a lot of money on a movie that does not even have Wikipedia presence, nor a Google search history. There is no clue how much money was spent, nor how much was garnered, so I am reluctantly assuming the cash wad spent on this trainwreck is haphazardly a tax write-off for some idiot, unless it is Canada (in which case I apologize to the entire country that this movie exists).
Who Invited Them is quite possibly the thing I needed to cleanse my palate of bullshit movies I have been subjected to because at least it is a bullshit movie that is original. The only problem is that it sucks.
Still, I would watch it again bc my cat's name is Sasha... On second thought, no, fuck that. Not worth it. It appears that it streamed to some high critical praise, but my advice is too skip it. There are other inane conversations with a plant that you would find more interesting.
1.5 out of 5
Mean Girls (2004)
a review by Evan Landon
I know this is a little unusual (even for me) that I would choose to talk about a coming-of age teen comedy, but I don't think this movie is talked about nearly enough! Strange to hear me say that, I know. I am a little concerned for me too.
If you are not familiar with this 2004 American teen comedy film, I think you might need a Vitamin C injection because you have been living under a fucking rock for most of your life.. *side note* I actually had to look up if Vitamin C was on the soundtrack, but no, even though the soundtrack did very well. Most notably is the rendition of Jingle Bell Rock that “The Plastics” do every Christmas talent show. “The Mathlete Rap” is short, but funny as hell too. I wish it was a little bit longer, to be honest, but we will just have to wait for a sequel. Speaking of a sequel, it appears the only thing holding it back is Tina Fey herself, who if you do not know is the writer and director. I mean, there was a Mean Girls 2 from 2011, but it was direct to vid & had little or nothing to with the original & there is a musical, I think. The original is loosely based off a non-fiction self-help book by Rosalind Wiseman in 2002 called “Queen Bees & Wannabes” and Tina Fey's own high school experiences. It's hard to believe she would have a terrible time at high school, but I think only a small few actually had no problems back then.
Where was I? Oh yeah.
I definitely did not see this in the theater because it was obviously nowhere on my radar until it became a mainstream success and my girlfriend (at the time) waned on and on and on about it, so naturally I did end up watching it unknowing it would become not just a mainstream success but a cult phenomenon that has lasted almost two decades. I would say I am embellishing, however I have a sinking feeling I am not giving it enough credit. Grossing over $130 million against a $17 million budget, it makes it one of the most successful films of all time and is so fetch that a restaurant in Santa Cruz made the word happen. Gretchen would be so proud.
Speaking of Gretchen, turns out I have the same pant-busting crush for Lacey Chabert I had when I was 15. She has found new success as a Hallmark channel actress. (Psssst hit me up if you are reading this, Lace.. ;) It is also responsible for launching the careers of a pre-The Notebook Rachel McAdams which came out the very next month and is the first film for a young Amanda Seyfried. Oh yeah, Lindsey Lohan is in it too.
The whole story is told from the narrative of a displaced ginger girl from South Africa to whose parents move her to Evanston, Illinois (no, I had nothing to do with the name, shut up) and she must adapt to the high school cliques that are not very developed except for “The Plastics” and her newly found outcast friends. That is pretty much the entire plot, but it is defined by the events of an entire school year than any true story arc. There is a true character arc in the main characters, but mostly points out all the inefficiencies in the moral vacuum we call “high school”. I digress.
Despite all of its shortcomings as a somewhat corny script and easily predictable premise, the movie triumphs with its acting, pacing, and its minimalist cinematography. That's me nit-picking though. I absolutely adore this movie, but those shortcomings in the script do detract me a bit. There are more than enough peeps in this world that disagree with me on that and you might be one of them, but this movie has the capability of turning a gross-out grindhouse horror fan into one of the junior plastics that gets hit by a bus at the end.
Just kidding. That does happen though.
As candy cane Santa would say, “Four for you Glenn Coco! You go, Glenn Coco!”
3.5 out of 5
Dead End (2003)
a review by Jackie Tracey
Let me start off by saying I think this movie is super underrated. Not only is it one of my all time favorite holiday horror movies, but one of my favorite horror movies overall.
Dead End follows a family en route to a grandmother’s house on the evening of Christmas Eve. When the father decides to take a shortcut down a wooded road, the night takes an eerie turn. It stars Lin Shaye (the grandmother of horror, in my eyes) and Ray Wise as the parents, as well as Alexandra Holden and Mick Cain as their children.
Released in 2003, it’s chock full of the humor of that era (like Ray’s character, Frank, referring to Marilyn Manson as a woman named Marilyn Bronson), and it definitely doesn’t take itself too seriously. The son though, is clearly meant to be a cringy comic relief.
The thing that works about this movie to me is the eerie atmosphere. It feels akin to things like “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” and even some “Twilight Zone” episodes. There’s not a ton of gore. It’s more about what you’re not seeing than what you are. It gives you a feeling of no escape and doesn’t let up.
Additionally, there are some stellar performances. I cannot say enough about Lin fucking Shaye in this movie. Her wide range of emotions, and her slow descent into madness is truly something to behold. Everyone really holds their own though.
The music also lends itself well to the tension and atmosphere. Also, some of the other audio choices will likely stick with you. (Without spoilers, there is a moment where the car’s windows are too fogged up to see through, and you just briefly see a shadow and hear a voice almost angrily saying, “she’s dead!”. I legit still think about this from time to time.)
The ending is a little polarizing for audiences, but I really dig how it all comes together. Anyway, give it a goddamn go if you haven’t yet. I really think this movie needs a bigger cult following than it has. Happy fucking holidays!
4 out of 5